a friend is serving time - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

meembo · 11-22-2005, 02:33 PM

A friend of mine was sentenced to 6 years (parole in 5, maybe) in federal prison on Monday for a non-violent crime. He doesn't have to report until after Thanksgiving. He didn't tell me about his legal troubles until he was convicted about a month ago, when he lost his job (he was convicted in another state). He's married with two little boys, younger than mine. He's one sorry dude lately -- he looks like death, he's scared, and he thinks he's going to lose his wife and kids (which isn't likely to happen). If he's scared about anything happening to him personally in prison, he hasn't told me about it (he's a big, big man). Nonetheless, for all his troubles, I find myself to be at a loss of what to say to him. He's wealthy and healthy and smart, but he feels like his life is over. He got caught, and we both knows he deserves his sentence. I feel for him to some extent, but I'm surprised at how little sympathy I have for him (almost none, which is very unlike me). I've never known a close friend or family member who's looking at hard time. More than anything, I've got the strong feeling of "I'm glad it's not me in that shitty situation".

Has anyone out there had a friend or family member serve serious prison time, and if so, what did it do to you? What was your reaction?

Ace_O_Spades · 11-22-2005, 02:49 PM

It's a natural byproduct of the prison system to infer shame onto those who are its residents... Shame from within and without, so don't feel bad that you feel the way that you do.

All you can do is provide support from the community. Let him know he has something to come back to when he gets out... That is the worst part for inmates, feeling as if the world has left them behind and they have nothing to go to when they are released.

maleficent · 11-22-2005, 02:55 PM

Yeah had a friend who got caught being really stupid a few years ago... (Michael Milken was a bad bad choice as a mentor) The federal pen isn't really hard time.

If he's going to the federal pen in Danbury, it's a prison, but it's not Rykers Island or some of the other hardcore prisons. danbury is sometimes referred to as a country club because the living is pretty easy. it's no picnic though either, but the chances of being knifed in teh shower are pretty slim.

His wife and kids are going to have it the roughest because there will be people who will treat her like garbage... Be a friend to her, and to the kids... Help out with the manly things around the house... (fixing stuff etc..)

If you have it in you - -visit him if you can - write letters to keep him in touch with the goings on in the world.. Dont spy on his wife (not that I think you would)

and good look to your friend...

If he's got a sense of humor - get him a copy of Andy Borowitz's book - Who moved my soap?

MageB420666 · 11-22-2005, 03:04 PM

My older brother is serving 25 years for second degree murder + 8 years for aggravated kidnapping. With time off for good behavior and possible parole at some point. He was in a county jail for about two years, then was moved to a state prison after the trial, then a little less then a year after that he was moved to another facility within that same prison system. And as far as he's told me it's actually better in the prison than it was in the county jail. He's currently served around 4 1/2 years of his sentence.

He's not a very big person, he's about 6' 3", but is lanky, not brawny. I've yet to hear of him being raped or assaulted. He's actually doing pretty good in there, he has made many friends and he works in the art shop and is working towards getting a college degree.

i guess the prison experience will in many ways be influenced by what facility you go to, and even the cell block you're in while you're there. If you get put in with a bunch of ass-holes that don't understand the concept of rehabilitation, then you're probably gonna have a really shitty time.

As for how I was effected when the whole situation was first happening, I was kinda like "Ok, he's screwed up again". It had a much larger impact on my parents, by that time I had kinda gotten used to how my brother was and him going out and killing a prostitute with a friend didn't really suprise me too much. Over all I'd say going to prison has actually been one of the better things to happen to him, he's really straightened up, and I doubt he'll ever break the law again. I wish he could've learned his lesson without having killed someone, but I don't have any control over that.

Willravel · 11-22-2005, 03:04 PM

That depends. I know one person who was convicted, despite strong evidence that he was innocent. I also know someone who was guilty through and through.

With the person I knew was innocent, we spent every moment until he left researching and working with several lawyers to try and figure out what went wrong and prepare a case for his appeal. We did finally get his sentence reduced. He needed help, and I was more than willing to help.

With the person who was guilty, I simply consoled him and told him everything was going to be okay, whether it was or not. Try to make his life as wonderful as possible up until he goes away.

goddfather40 · 11-22-2005, 07:56 PM

Well, I will soon know what it is like to have a good friend serving time. Last month he apparently drank too much and ran down somebody on the freeway, not just anybody, a police officer. The officer was killed. I am still in shock. I feel so bad for the officer's family and friends. I also feel bad for my friend, but he made a tragically bad idiotic decision to drive with a BAC of 0.15. I will be there for his arraignment, and I think there is a chance he may be charged with murder, but Felony hit and run, Felony DUI, and manslaughter for sure. Fortunately, he is out on hundreds of thousands of dollars of bail. He is a good guy, no record, never would wish this on anybody. It's crazy how a bad decision can change your lives and the lives of others.

I look forward to maybe checking this thread later to see how other people deal with having friends and/or family on the inside.

SERPENT7 · 12-02-2005, 01:42 PM

The closest i can get was when i was in the navy, one of my friends went to a military jail.
It was pretty comfortable as far as living conditions go, but they had a gaurd sitting at a desk about...15 feet away. He had to ask permision to get up from his bunk. Everything is by permision. Luckily it was only for 90 days. But all of the other people were relativly well behaved, and he said the worst part was the boredom. (Not allowed any books, tv, or smoking at all.)
As for me, all i did was visit every weekend to keep him from going coo-coo for coacoa puffs, and picked him up when he got out.

Rodney · 12-02-2005, 05:47 PM

Well, I knew a guy who did some low-level dope dealing (marijuana) to support his own habit; he lived at home with his mother and didn't work, so he had to get the $$ for his own dope somehow. He had one bust for simple possession when he got busted again for dealing. In that time and place, the normal sentence for this was six to twelve months in the country jail. But _his_ prosecutor had other plans, and he got 3 to 5 in state prison.

He was out on bail when the sentence came down; and rather than report to prison when the time came, he left the state entirely. Settled down one state over, got a regular job and a wife who keeps him under _serious_ control, is an elder in his church, has raised two good kids, and so on.

But he can't come back to California. No statute of limitations; he was _convicted._

I treat him okay; after all, he did straighten out. And if he went away to jail now, it'd do the state no real good and some innocent people a lot of harm. But he _did_ do the crime, even if the penalty was harsher than normal. So if he did somehow come back and get caught, I'd feel bad, but I wouldn't call it an injustice.

Menoman · 12-03-2005, 02:28 AM

Ya, a friend of mine went to prison for 10-15 for trafficking cocaine across state lines.

I just couldn't feel sorry for him at all.

It wasn't so much a 'glad it's not me' feeling as much as a 'glad I'm not stupid enough to do that'

11-22-2005, 02:33 PM	#1 (permalink)
meembo Junkie Location: Connecticut	a friend is serving time A friend of mine was sentenced to 6 years (parole in 5, maybe) in federal prison on Monday for a non-violent crime. He doesn't have to report until after Thanksgiving. He didn't tell me about his legal troubles until he was convicted about a month ago, when he lost his job (he was convicted in another state). He's married with two little boys, younger than mine. He's one sorry dude lately -- he looks like death, he's scared, and he thinks he's going to lose his wife and kids (which isn't likely to happen). If he's scared about anything happening to him personally in prison, he hasn't told me about it (he's a big, big man). Nonetheless, for all his troubles, I find myself to be at a loss of what to say to him. He's wealthy and healthy and smart, but he feels like his life is over. He got caught, and we both knows he deserves his sentence. I feel for him to some extent, but I'm surprised at how little sympathy I have for him (almost none, which is very unlike me). I've never known a close friend or family member who's looking at hard time. More than anything, I've got the strong feeling of "I'm glad it's not me in that shitty situation". Has anyone out there had a friend or family member serve serious prison time, and if so, what did it do to you? What was your reaction? __________________ less I say, smarter I am

11-22-2005, 02:49 PM	#2 (permalink)
Ace_O_Spades The Death Card Location: EH!?!?	It's a natural byproduct of the prison system to infer shame onto those who are its residents... Shame from within and without, so don't feel bad that you feel the way that you do. All you can do is provide support from the community. Let him know he has something to come back to when he gets out... That is the worst part for inmates, feeling as if the world has left them behind and they have nothing to go to when they are released. __________________ Feh.

11-22-2005, 02:55 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Yeah had a friend who got caught being really stupid a few years ago... (Michael Milken was a bad bad choice as a mentor) The federal pen isn't really hard time. If he's going to the federal pen in Danbury, it's a prison, but it's not Rykers Island or some of the other hardcore prisons. danbury is sometimes referred to as a country club because the living is pretty easy. it's no picnic though either, but the chances of being knifed in teh shower are pretty slim. His wife and kids are going to have it the roughest because there will be people who will treat her like garbage... Be a friend to her, and to the kids... Help out with the manly things around the house... (fixing stuff etc..) If you have it in you - -visit him if you can - write letters to keep him in touch with the goings on in the world.. Dont spy on his wife (not that I think you would) and good look to your friend... If he's got a sense of humor - get him a copy of Andy Borowitz's book - Who moved my soap? __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

11-22-2005, 03:04 PM	#4 (permalink)
MageB420666 <Insert wise statement here> Location: Hell if I know	My older brother is serving 25 years for second degree murder + 8 years for aggravated kidnapping. With time off for good behavior and possible parole at some point. He was in a county jail for about two years, then was moved to a state prison after the trial, then a little less then a year after that he was moved to another facility within that same prison system. And as far as he's told me it's actually better in the prison than it was in the county jail. He's currently served around 4 1/2 years of his sentence. He's not a very big person, he's about 6' 3", but is lanky, not brawny. I've yet to hear of him being raped or assaulted. He's actually doing pretty good in there, he has made many friends and he works in the art shop and is working towards getting a college degree. i guess the prison experience will in many ways be influenced by what facility you go to, and even the cell block you're in while you're there. If you get put in with a bunch of ass-holes that don't understand the concept of rehabilitation, then you're probably gonna have a really shitty time. As for how I was effected when the whole situation was first happening, I was kinda like "Ok, he's screwed up again". It had a much larger impact on my parents, by that time I had kinda gotten used to how my brother was and him going out and killing a prostitute with a friend didn't really suprise me too much. Over all I'd say going to prison has actually been one of the better things to happen to him, he's really straightened up, and I doubt he'll ever break the law again. I wish he could've learned his lesson without having killed someone, but I don't have any control over that. __________________ Apathy: The best outlook this side of I don't give a damn.

11-22-2005, 07:56 PM	#6 (permalink)
goddfather40 Llama Location: Cali-for-nye-a	Well, I will soon know what it is like to have a good friend serving time. Last month he apparently drank too much and ran down somebody on the freeway, not just anybody, a police officer. The officer was killed. I am still in shock. I feel so bad for the officer's family and friends. I also feel bad for my friend, but he made a tragically bad idiotic decision to drive with a BAC of 0.15. I will be there for his arraignment, and I think there is a chance he may be charged with murder, but Felony hit and run, Felony DUI, and manslaughter for sure. Fortunately, he is out on hundreds of thousands of dollars of bail. He is a good guy, no record, never would wish this on anybody. It's crazy how a bad decision can change your lives and the lives of others. I look forward to maybe checking this thread later to see how other people deal with having friends and/or family on the inside. __________________ My name is goddfather40 and I approved this message. I got ho's and I got bitches, In C++ I branch with switches -MC Plus+

11-22-2005, 03:04 PM	#5 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	That depends. I know one person who was convicted, despite strong evidence that he was innocent. I also know someone who was guilty through and through. With the person I knew was innocent, we spent every moment until he left researching and working with several lawyers to try and figure out what went wrong and prepare a case for his appeal. We did finally get his sentence reduced. He needed help, and I was more than willing to help. With the person who was guilty, I simply consoled him and told him everything was going to be okay, whether it was or not. Try to make his life as wonderful as possible up until he goes away.

12-02-2005, 01:42 PM	#7 (permalink)
SERPENT7 Crazy Location: Gold country!	The closest i can get was when i was in the navy, one of my friends went to a military jail. It was pretty comfortable as far as living conditions go, but they had a gaurd sitting at a desk about...15 feet away. He had to ask permision to get up from his bunk. Everything is by permision. Luckily it was only for 90 days. But all of the other people were relativly well behaved, and he said the worst part was the boredom. (Not allowed any books, tv, or smoking at all.) As for me, all i did was visit every weekend to keep him from going coo-coo for coacoa puffs, and picked him up when he got out.

12-02-2005, 05:47 PM	#8 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	Well, I knew a guy who did some low-level dope dealing (marijuana) to support his own habit; he lived at home with his mother and didn't work, so he had to get the $$ for his own dope somehow. He had one bust for simple possession when he got busted again for dealing. In that time and place, the normal sentence for this was six to twelve months in the country jail. But _his_ prosecutor had other plans, and he got 3 to 5 in state prison. He was out on bail when the sentence came down; and rather than report to prison when the time came, he left the state entirely. Settled down one state over, got a regular job and a wife who keeps him under _serious_ control, is an elder in his church, has raised two good kids, and so on. But he can't come back to California. No statute of limitations; he was _convicted._ I treat him okay; after all, he did straighten out. And if he went away to jail now, it'd do the state no real good and some innocent people a lot of harm. But he _did_ do the crime, even if the penalty was harsher than normal. So if he did somehow come back and get caught, I'd feel bad, but I wouldn't call it an injustice.