I want to go to JAIL!~!! (PLEASE!!)
 

As a proud tester and exploiter of vulnerable systems (for my employment, among other things) I noticed a rather interesting thing today. Let me know if you see any flaws in the below, because it appears to be a legitimate life choice.

My primary concerns in life are time and money, and money only as a means to an end. Money is necessary to best spend my time, whether it being enjoying a sunset in Barbados or lounging around with my girlfriend. If it weren't for its critical role in my survival and enjoyment of life, I'd hate money. Its unfortunately very necessary that I maintain a steady income, in order to provide shelter, food, and entertainment. I imagine the majority of you share this belief.

However, I'd also like to devote a considerable amount of time developing my creative and physical abilities. Again, money and time conflict in this interest. Because I've got to work AND go to school, my time for things like art and bodybuilding is limited. Obviously, the most easy solution would be to stop working and stop attending school. How would I provide for my basic needs, then? PRISON! It is the ultimate solution for anyone wishing an education, a well developed physical body, and a creative education. JinnKai - are you crazy? Going to prison to better your life? WHY OF COURSE! See below....

Because 8 to 10 hours a day is spent in work or class, this is obviously time taken from physical or creative development. If I didn't have to work to support my means, I would have this entire time to devote to them. In prison, you do not need to work. Your basic necessities, such as food and shelter, are provided. If I were to abandon work outside of prison, I would have to waste similar time begging for food and money. But in prison, it's provided for FREE! Whoever said there is no FREE meal has obviously not considered prison as a good choice. Every morning I could wake up and begin my studies of the contempary arts, or perhaps travel to the gym to work out. I've had a solid day of time, and then I'd walk the short distance back to my "room," sleep for HOWEVER long I wanted, and return to my studies the next day. The basic requirement for this is that the jail has both a library AND a gym, both of which the Criminal Justice Center in my city has. Likewise, I could hone my skills at "hobbies" such at chess, by playing with the other inmates.

This makes the next question obvious -- how do you get in jail? Obviously, I don't want a felony or large crime to destroy possible jobs in the future, so I need to find a misdemeanor that provides an adequate sentence. Something with a maximum jail time of 18 months should suffice. Additionally I'd have to hire a poor lawyer to defend me, so that I couldn't plea bargain out of jail time. Those requirements met, the only part left is to commit the crime. Another benefit! Because your ultimate goal is ACTUALLY jailtime, you'll be able to celebrate being caught for a crime. I'd likely do something like drug-dealing combined with possession of a stolen handgun. Maybe evading police officers if necessary to guarantee a solid (yet limited) set of jailtime. Because it's a misdeamanor, I could easily chalk it up to a "youthful discretion" and likely not even need to report it on job applications. So, since I've chosen drug dealing, I can enjoy the LARGE profits in that market until I'm caught. Since my ultimate goal was to be arrested, there's no worries about being caught drug dealing.

The only noticable "bad thing" about jail is the limited social interaction with your current relations. Since this is a pre-planned jailing, I'd have tons of time to let my friends know my new address at the jailhouse, should they want to "hang out" some time. The visitations would likely be short, but I'd still be able to see my friends. I'm sure at this point many people are wondering about sex. It WOULD be a sacrifice, but.. monks and nuns have been known to go celibate for years at a time, and they say it improves their spiritial and emotional sides. 18 months without sex wouldn't be horrible, as many people (myself included) went 18 years of their adolescence without sex.

So - in summary: free education, free shelter, free food, make your own schedule, be your own boss, bulk up AND lose weight, become smarter and more creative.. what's NOT not to like?

Are there any flaws in this plan I've failed to mention? Obviously I can't actively pursue this at the moment, but it would be nice to have better judged any possible flaws by the time this plan goes into action.


Thanks ahead of time for reading and commenting. :)

Oh and I just realized, it also helps you break those addictions that most people complain about having. Unless you really search for it, you can't get cigarettes, alcohol, or caffiene in prison.. more improvements to your health.. so the list so far:

* free education,
* free shelter
* free food
* free showers
* make your own schedule
* be your own boss
* bulk up
* lose weight
* commit crimes without fear of jailtime
* break dependency on sex
* become smarter and more creative
* break addictions
* develop "hobby" skills such as jigsaw puzzles and chess

Ass raping comes to mind.

I'm 6'6", 200 lbs and a very nice guy. I don't think I'd have to worry about that, as its not very prevalent.. especially in the "fishtank" that comprises the Justice Center in my city..

Nope, I can't see any flaws at all. :crazy:

And who said people in prison don't have sex? I'm sure someone will take an interest in you and allow you to engage in the physical act of love.

Good luck and let us know how the crime spree turns out. :thumbsup:

It's foolproof. Aside from the sodomy. And no matter how big you are, there is someone there who is bigger.

Alright adding sodomy to the list of negatives. Anything else?

Jail is for sentences less than 12 months and is generally located in your city (such as the one you mentioned), while prisons are for any sentences over 12 months.

Furthermore, posession with intent is a felony - and due to mandatory minimum sentences for drug dealers, you'd get locked up for more than you like. I'd settle for something simple like the 3-times and you're out shoplifting.

I heard stories from a friend about shit fights.
Yes, they shit, take it out of the loo, and hurl it at eachother.

...and you won't believe what the inmates do.

As appealing as drug dealing sounded, you're right -- I might have to settle for a benign crime. I think I'm going with "criminal libel." If I read it correctly, all I have to do is make up horrible lies about someone important for long enough to get arrested. In colorado, criminal libel is a class 1 misdemeanor so I'd go for a minimum 6 months, maximum 18 months. Sounds perfect..

God help you if you simply change your mind.

What with looking for the bootcamp type structured workout program the other day and now this, perhaps you ought to consider becoming some old woman's manwhore. Spend the day working out in front of her, looking pretty and from time to time having to "service" her.

You've never been in a jail, have you? I've never served time, but I've visited. Some thoughts on the negatives:

* Your companions will in the main be poorly educated and impulsive, and many will have drug problems (see below). Jail is full of people who haven't grown up or aren't ever going to. You won't like most of your fellow inmates, and since there is little or no privacy, you can never get away from them. Think middle school, only even more more stupid and brutal. Doesn't matter how nice a guy you are. Somebody's just going to decide they don't like you; and if they're well-connected, you're in trouble.

*You will stay in your cell all day with very little to do. You will have a cellmate, or two or three in a cell only meant for two. Many jails are very, very overcrowded. You say you don't want to work, but most inmates are _really happy_ to get work. It's something to do, and it might get you out a little faster.

*You will have absolutely no control over your life. The rules are all. Nobody wants to know your feelings, or trusts anything you have to say. You're being warehoused. The rules of society as you know it, no longer apply. For that reason, if another inmate steals something from your -- and they will, if they think they can get away with it -- what are you going to do? Are the guards going to believe you? And how are your fellow inmates going to respond if you _do_ go to the guards?

*There are plenty of drugs in jail. They get in all the time. There are little power groups built around drug dealing or other kinds of illicit activities even in non-metropolitan jails. Better not get in their way.

Also, everything I'm talking about is at the county jail level. Things get worse at the state level. Here in California, we have a corrupt and powerful state prison guards' union which protects bad guards from prosecution for systemic abuse; including things like putting two badasses who hate each other in the exercise yard at the same time, alone, and letting them go at it without interfering. While the guards place wagers.

There are some countries in the world where jail or prison can be a positive experience. Getting busted in Finland, I'm told, can be a positive, life-changing experience. Here in the states.... not so much. I think you should hunt down some friend who's done a little time and ask him about the good parts of jail. His reply, after the obligatory opening, "Are you NUTS?" will be very enlightening. County sheriffs would be good to ask, too -- they run the jails -- and you'd probably get the same answer.

But the fact that you propose this at all, even as a lark, indicates that you are probably from a socioeconomic class in which nobody you know has _ever_ gone to jail. If you had, you wouldn't be asking the question.

Go for it dude, I might do the same thing someday.

If you want to do 18 months in one stretch, it's going to take more than just slapping somebody, it's going to take a minor felony, or a string of misdemeanors. A criminal record (and yes a misdemeanor is a crime) is not going to help you when you pursue a good job, and will prevent you from being able to get many of those jobs. Get sentenced to anything over 365 days in jail and you won't be doing time in the city or county lock-up, you'll be doing it in the state pen. Prison is a whole different world than the local jail. 6'6" and 200 lbs means your tall and thin, very desirable to somebody in prison who is looking for a bitch. You'll be dealing with guys who are 6'6" 300 lbs of nothing but muscle, pissed off, horny, and going to try to take whatever they want from you, including your ass.
Then there are the mental things doing prison time does to you. The recidivism rate in the US prison system is extremely high. It's that way for a reason. the lifestyle you MUST live to survive in prison simply doesn't work on the outside. The problem is, that lifestyle, the way you handle different things becomes a part of you. It's very difficult to undo what prison does to you.

No internet. How would you TFP?

Your post makes me think of the following joke:
Prison vs. Work

* IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
* AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

* IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
* AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

* IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
* AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

* IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
* AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

* IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
* AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

* IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
* AT WORK....You have to share.

* IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
* AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

* IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
* AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

* IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
* AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

* IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
* AT WORK....They are called supervisors.

I say go for it. Now I'm one car-length up in traffic.

umm how about you just get a job as a construction worker or some other manual labor. That way you get a workout while you work then you can devote your other time to studies and still have freedom and a clean record.

It will be very hard to get a good job with a criminal record.

Uh yeah buddy, I don't think you want to get boinked in the butt. Also, what the hell is a break from sex??????????? sex dependency or whatever you said! :lol: A break?!?! I need to start having it before I can even think about a break!

What about the filth?? You think they clean those places with bleach? Mmm, I'm guessing no. I have a feeling lice and bed bugs are frequent visitors. No Mr. Clean in prison.

Also, I dont care how much you weigh...........you will get the sh*t kicked out of you at some point.

Wow, great idea. :|

This is about the only enlightening thing I can muster right now. I was going to give you a more accurate description of jail and prison, but truthfully, the experience is not something one can adequately describe to another.

YEAH I'm going to have to go with 5757 on this one and say it's probably not something you want to do. Here are some of my reasons.

1. Once you get out what then? Getting a descent job will become increasingly harder with a criminal record. No matter how small it will be considered a criminal record.

2. Like before mentioned there's never big enough. I don't know if someone mentioned it before but, even if you are big enough for one you are no way big enough for three. Yeah that's what they do to the big pretty boys (any one who's never went before is considered pretty...they will know if you've been). They get a group of three to take care of your new behind. NOT cool in any way.

3. It's not like you choose the time you have, or what you can do with it. You will be told when you can work out, and hope no one is on the few pieces of equipment you want. Also when you do get to go to the library, don't be surprised if the literature there isn't up to par with what your looking for.

All around I believe a bad idea. With the size you have why not try amateur modeling or body building?

Don't drop the soap! Don't wanna end up like Peter Griffin now do you? :D

Why not get yourself shot, fake post dramatic stress disorder and draw a check every month.. and if you get caught, you get to try your jail thing :)

You should try for Martha Stewarts old prison block. It sounded pretty sweet there.

In all seriousness you should consider joining the army or reserves. In the army you :

-Can live on base and have shelter and meals.
-Get an education.
-Get steady work and pay while building up your body
-NOT have a criminal record.
-Retain a degree of freedom.

Mind if you're an american you will get shipped overseas, so that sort of puts a damper on things.

In all seriousness, this is the stupidest and most naive plan I've ever heard. What you're proposing equates to a year and a half of no freedom, no privacy and no life. You'll be surrounded by the absolute worst society has to offer. You don't go to sleep whenever you want. You're told when to go to sleep, when to eat, when to shit etc...

But if you still think it's a good idea, go for it.

I remember in my senior year of high school, they took us to the local jail to show us what it was like in there. It was partly to discourage DUIs but was a pretty in depth look at the place.

Maybe you can ask the local law enforcement to give you a breakdown of what your day would be like, take you through a dry run. I remember Diane Sawyer on nightline got a chance to stay in prison one night while Nightline filmed it. It was interesting.

One thing you might want to consider is that jail/prison is meant as a resocialization centre, and as such, you might not escape your sentence unscathed. You may come out reformed in some ways emotionally or mentally that you don't like as a consequence of your little vacation from society. So if you like yourself, I highly recommend avoiding jailtime.

say hi to Bubbles for me eh? ;)

I think the 'be careful what you wish for' paradigm is relevant for this, I can imagine that the experience would best serve as a lesson to enjoy the advantages of the liberal societies which we take for granted. Not all people in prison are morons who lack the facility to take best advantage of their time whilst there, and i have not heard of anyone who came out of prison stating it was a pleasurable experience that they would reccomend. You would probably enjoy it for the reasons you state for two weeks, after which you'll realise that a prison is a prison for a reason.

Think of this: An 18-wheeler speeding up what was once a one-way street.

I bet you could find a better way to do what you want, without the buttrape.

I don't think you'd be able to make your own schedule,and I'm pretty certain that the guards were not going to let you be your own boss...


Prisons are pretty bleak places... Maybe you'd want to commit some sort of white collar crime and end up in the federal pen -- they have reputations for being country clubs :)

I...umm...

Isn't this a joke? Is everyone playing along, or are you serious?

I mean, it's an interesting social commentary, but I don't think that prison can really be as grand as it seems from the outside. I mean, look at how hard some people try to stay out of there. And don't most Americans fight really really hard against a cooshy, semi-communal, dictatoral society?

I say Join the Army.......


Gain new skills....
Travel to Exotic, Distant lands
Become immersed in varied cultures.....
build character, and body mass
meet exiting, new people.........

And Kill Them.....

be your own boss? umm no.. the guards tell you what and when to do things... they are the boss.

If you are in NYC I have a friend who's husband is a prison guard at Rikers Island and I can setup a meeting for you.

Having spent a day or two in county lockup in my past (what can I say I lived a colorful life)... I can say that it's not somewhere you want to be for any extended period of time.

Take out shitloads of loans and go back to school. It'll look better on your resume than an 18-month "break" you'll have to explain to future employers. Plus, as long as you are still in school, the loans are deferred. So just NEVER LEAVE SCHOOL. Die an 80-year-old with 8 degrees and no heirs to assume your debt.

I have heard excellent things about the book "YOU ARE GOING TO PRISON" by Jim Hogshire.
Necessary reading if you plan to go through with this scheme.

I have to say that it is a joke, like Swift's Modest Proposal about eating Irish babies. The commentary is talking about the dichotomy of prison being easier than some paths in free society, and how others abuse social service networks on a daily basis. The author is trying to draw attention to the fact that his life has been harder than the sentences of some minor criminals, and how through his experiences society has failed him. He feels unrewarded for obeying the rules of justice, and is making a tounge-in-cheek comment of the positive things that incarceration provides.

I can see the dark humour that the OP is making. I thought it funny. I have also thought that my life was worse than a prisoner, and appreciate the sarcasm and irony.

Better plan: take several of those credit card offers that come in the mail, supplimented by student loans. Live on them as long as possible, then sell off the stuff you bought for more time. You can live better than you would in prison for at least 18 months. You will have ruined your credit, but that blot goes away a lot faster than a criminal record.

Or sign up for ROTC. They will pay for you to attend school for four years, maybe six for certain degrees. Then they will pay you for at least four more, while offering you much more freedom than prison. If you elect to continue this for an entire career, you can, and you get to retire young, with excellent benefits!

Point by point rebuttals to your specific assertions:
"In prison, you do not need to work. Your basic necessities, such as food and shelter, are provided." You do not have to work outside, either. If you are a drug-free bum there are many shelters that will feed and house you. If one gives up on you, just go to another.

"Whoever said there is no FREE meal has obviously not considered prison as a good choice." It is not free. You give up a great deal for some unappetizing food and a cot.

"Every morning I could wake up and begin my studies of the contempary arts, or perhaps travel to the gym to work out. I've had a solid day of time, and then I'd walk the short distance back to my "room," sleep for HOWEVER long I wanted, and return to my studies the next day." Why would you think they let you wander around inside the prison as you choose, doing whatever you like?

"I don't want a felony or large crime to destroy possible jobs in the future, so I need to find a misdemeanor that provides an adequate sentence. Something with a maximum jail time of 18 months should suffice." No, you need a MINIMUM penalty of 18 months. As a first offender on good behavior you would serve only a fraction of the maximum sentence. Don’t even think of not being on good behavior. You may find that 18 months growing a bit. And you are aware that you typically are on parole for years after you get out?

"Additionally I'd have to hire a poor lawyer to defend me, so that I couldn't plea bargain out of jail time." No, you want a good lawyer, to negotiate a guilty plea in exchange for a promise of being sent to a nicer facility for a longer time. However, if they have you dead to rights, they really don't need to bargain at all, and they may not approve of your plan. You might get sent to a... less desirable place. And a good lawyer will cost you more than it would take to live a spartan life for 18 months.

"I'd likely do something like drug-dealing combined with possession of a stolen handgun. Maybe evading police officers if necessary to guarantee a solid (yet limited) set of jailtime. Because it's a misdeamanor, I could easily chalk it up to a "youthful discretion" and likely not even need to report it on job applications." No, anything that would send you to prison creates a serious and permanent criminal history. You have misconceptions about what people are willing to chalk up to “youthful indiscretion” and what you must admit to on applications.

"So, since I've chosen drug dealing, I can enjoy the LARGE profits in that market until I'm caught." If you have large profits, why not simply quit the dealing, live sparingly off the profits for the 18 months, and avoid prison?

"Since my ultimate goal was to be arrested, there's no worries about being caught drug dealing." Other than destroying others lives, permanent criminal history, loosing the respect of your loved ones, and personal danger, that is.

"The only noticable "bad thing" about jail is the limited social interaction with your current relations." Considering only social releations, it's more accurate to say that you loose many of those you have now and replace them with others that you will probably find less desirable.

"Since this is a pre-planned jailing, I'd have tons of time to let my friends know my new address at the jailhouse, should they want to "hang out" some time." Of course, they might simply drop the “friend” who obviously does not care who he hurts so long as he gets to mooch off others. If they do visit, the “quality time” won't quite be up to the level of dropping over for pizza and beer.

"18 months without sex wouldn't be horrible, as many people (myself included) went 18 years of their adolescence without sex." (An 18 year adolescence - no way. Maybe five.) Perhaps your significant other does not feel the same way. Of course, she is not compelled to abstain, now is she? Desirable companions are another thing you will find more difficult to come by as an ex-con. It's a trust thing. Once you demonstrate you are willing to lie, cheat, steal, and/or betray trust for personal gain, it's harder to get the good ones.
"So - in summary: free education, free shelter, free food, make your own schedule, be your own boss, bulk up AND lose weight, become smarter and more creative. what's NOT not to like?" Right! The proof is that you can always pick the ex-cons out of a crowd by their general glow of good health, witty repartee, and air of relaxed fulfillment! They universally express their satisfaction with the experience, and recommend it wholeheartedly!

By the way, while prisons offer high school coursework, you'll find accredited college courses in short supply. Even one did offer such work, your plan of not revealing the prison term on job applications sort of falls apart if you list your degree as coming from Folsom Prison, right?

I assume this post is a joke, but to add to the thread I will say this. You say its free? I don't think it is. Sure it is free to you, but all the other hard working americans would be paying for your so called free jail vacation. As well if I remember reading correctly it takes months if not years to get signed up for your so called free education while in jail. Good luck not getting stabbed to death while you shower!


What I get from this post is "hey american tfp'ers I'm lazy, don't want to work hard to achieve my goals, so your all gonna pay for me!"

sorry if i am wrong, just appears that way to me.

If you want something like this legitimately... just join the military. In officer's training you can get a "free" education, boot camp will have you in shape in no time, "free" food and lodging AND you get to earn it by serving your country...

Negatives: you will likely have to go to Afghanistan, Iraq or some other hot spot but that is only for a little while...