clavus

Congratulations. You have finally created the most obnoxious shopping experience in America, outdoing such notable figures as the Dodge dealer in Davis, CA; the Sears home-improvement jerks, and Sleep Train.

For a long time you followed the time-honored tradition of pumping Muzak at your customers. I’ve never understood the reasoning behind this. Do customers hear a “lite-jazz” rendition of Bridge Over Trouble Waters and suddenly toss an extra ham hock into their carts?

Have you ever, in your whole life encountered one single person who enjoys supermarket music? Me neither. Which possibly explains why you took the next step: punctuating the soundtrack of the mundane with radio ads imploring me to buy more stuff. Come on! I’m already in the store, buying stuff. Announcing the special on tampons between EZ-listenin’ Steely Dan covers is not going to make me dash to the feminine hygiene aisle.

Your audio assault used to be bearable. And the visual noise was tolerable too. After all, you plaster so many SPECIAL BARGAIN signs, stickers, and decals on your walls ceilings and floors that they blend together into a turgid miasma of meaningless of advercrap.

But the recent combination of audio AND video is too much to bear. TELEVISIONS in the checkout aisle?!?! It’s like some Orwellian vision of Hell.

I doubt the decision makers actually set foot inside an Albertson’s supermarket, so here’s a little exercise you can try at home. Turn on your radio. Point the tuner to the worst station possible. Now turn on the TV to the Home Shopping Network. Set the radio and TV to equal volumes. Obnoxious, isn’t it? Just think how bad it is when you subjected to this in line, fishing through your wallet, looking for your super-duper saver club card.

And one more thing, who’s brilliant idea was it to stock sports drinks in the spot formerly reserved for handing money to the cashier? Find this person and punch them in the crotch. Hard. Why erect a barrier right where I’m trying to push money at you? I’m not going to buy sports drinks just because they are in my way.

As bad as Albertson’s is, what I find most disturbing is where you are headed. You’ve come so far, I know you aren’t going to stop now. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before you institute the following policies.

1) Having overloaded your customers’ senses of sight and hearing, you will pursue their other senses. Pungent (though competing) smells will be directed at the customers faces using high-pressure, floor-mounted blowers. Meatloaf, bananas, mouthwash, and dog food will be among the first “market scents” used.

2) “Advertising to touch” will soon follow. Customers will enter the store though a curtain of kissably-soft toilet tissue, and exit though a gauntlet of tough-but-gentle steel wool.

3) Über-perky “personal marketers” will follow customers around the store. They will suggest which products bear extra consideration and will hold sale items directly in front of the customers’ faces.

4) Unicycle riding transvestite midgets will careen around the store and bellow show-tunes into the faces of surprised customers. Once they are suitably distracted, the “personal marketers” will slip extra items into customers’ carts.

While there is little danger of me visiting Albertson’s again, I urge you to reverse course before it is too late. Your store is in danger if sucking so hard that it may collapse on itself, forming a vortex so powerful that not even light can escape.

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TM875

I love you clavus. So true.

I remember my days working for a supermarket chain. The ads and the radio were almost enough to make me saw off my head with a dull bread knife. I've noticed that it hasn't gotten any better. Sad, really.



and makes me want to grow my own food

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KellyC

This just goes to show that I am TOO involved in my grocery shopping to even notice these type of annoyances, . I don't recall ever experiencing the radio ads in the store or the store "muzak" . Or maybe the ones that I go to don't implement these kind of marketing bullcrap. Either way, 'tis a good thing, I suppose.

I am, however, annoyed when they decided to stock Cinamon Toast Crunch, Lucky Charms, and Cheerios in the veggie section during their 10 for 10 sale a while back. WTF is up with that??? Nevertheless, my brothers and I nabbed about 60+ boxes of them cereals....'cause we're cool like that.

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OPgary

This kind of explains why so many people areheading to Winco and Wal-Mart doesn't it?

Pacifier

yesterday a guy in the supermarket sung along ... loud!

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cyrnel

No kidding. The only reason I continue to shop at Albertsons is proximity. It's 100 yards from my doorstep. Winco is 300, requires a map and compass to navigate, and borders on exercise. Can't have that unless the cupboards are bare.

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raeanna74

lol - Those are some of the reasons that I dislike Walmart.

I've got one of those small, individually owned discount groceries only 3 blocks from my house. Guess where I go often. When I went only 3 days ago I was checked out by Jerry, the OWNER, who was joined mid-checkout by his daughter who interrupted him with a hug. He gave my kids 2 Pez Candy dispensers for free. The pleasures of a small town.

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Sage

Man, I HATE Wal-Mart! The one here in Asheville is reputed to be the biggest one in the world (at least when it opened, which was last year), and it's *so* distracting I can't go in there during the day- all the people and noise make me feel... I dunno, wierd. It's the only place in public I feel like that too.

The local supermarket here (Ingles) is usually a pretty nice place to shop, especially the bigger ones. No TV's, no muzak

Oh, and the really scary part is? Playing music while people shop has been statistically shown to encourage the buying of more stuff. Also, you know why malls are laid out so insane-confusing like? Because people buy more stuff if they're disoriented. Probably why Albertson's (what is that? a grocery store?) is so confusing.

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Bill O'Rights

Albertson's! Bah! They packed up their bags and pulled out of Omaha because they weren't in the #1 place among the top 4 major supermarket chains in the area. Whiny simps. Try improving your service and you might have gained some ground. Good riddance...except that since they also own OSCO, they closed all of them, as well. Bastards. They'll never willingly receive another one of my dollars...ever.

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genuinegirly

Wow. Go clavus! I noticed the same crap the other day when I was in a Vons (Safeway). It seems to be the trend. Our local Albertson's is actually the only store that hasn't converted to the TV screen in the checkout aisle thing (yet), but the announcement garbage is the same.

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connyosis

Well thank God they're not playing muzak in my local supermarket. They have however started with TVs at the checkout. Worst thing is that it's not even higher standard commercials running, it's some locally produced crap with a budget of 3 cents and a cupcake that makes you want to cry or alternatively stab yourself in the eyes to JUST MAKE IT STOP!

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BigBen

So I stopped right there and scrolled back up to the posters name: Clavus. Oh, I get it. Only he could use the words "turgid miasma".
Do you mind if I use that line? I have about a dozen things I need to describe, and this will do nicely.


I am that guy. When I hear a clarinet version of "Bridge over Troubled Waters" or "Africa", I let loose. People look at me, and then realize that I am making a political statement against the corrupt organizations that turn our shopping experiences against us. They usually laugh with me, but sometimes I get funny looks.

And finally, extensive marketing research has been done, and you will buy more shit if you are distracted in the tiniest bit. Therefore, the onslaught of the senses will not only continue, but turn into the Orwellian nightmare that Clavus describes. We already have "Smell-o-Vision" in many supermarkets, as the vent of the bakery is purposefully directed to the front door, so that people are greeted with the smell of fresh pastries as they enter.

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God of Thunder

First of all, I've never heard of Albertson's, but since it was written by Clavus, I had to read.

Sounds like Farmer Smack's (Farmer Jack) up here and they just started closing stores, probably because people like me who refused to shop there for a lot of the same reasons.

Second of all, I should know better than to read Clavus' stories at work, they already think I'm weird, and then they hear me laughing out load at my computer.

Third of all, adding this linemade me drop my donut.

Did you actually send that to their corporate headquarters? You should if you didn't. It may get their attention. If not, send it to the local newspaper as an editorial, and leave in the part about unicycle riding transvestite midgets.

You rock man.



PS. You owe me a donut.

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clavus

Of COURSE I sent it to corporate. I even included my daytime phone number so they could easily contact me to address my concers. Oddly enough, I have yet to hear from them.

Sorry about your doughnut. Please go to the bakery section of your local Albertson's supermarket and select a replacement doughnut. Tell them clavus sent ya.

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Glory's Sun

I'd go just for this reason...




I have a thing for midgets.. midgets are cool

Charlatan

I think it would be more effective if I was greeted by the sight of twirling pasties as I enter... but maybe that's just me.

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Glory's Sun

Malls already do this with Cinnabon

Redlemon

Twirling pasties?



I'd be convinced to buy!

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Charlatan

While Cinnamon Buns do have a twirly goodness to them they pale in comparison to a pair of twirling pasties...

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clavus

BAHH! guccilvr is a funny guy!

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Pip

Great letter Clavus! TV screens in the grocery store are the evil. We had forty (40) such screens in the store I work in, showing regular commercials and "cooking shows" in what they told us was 20-minute batches but what felt like five minutes. It got really old really fast. At first they had the volume on fairly low, but increased it after a while because customers didn't notice them enough. The staff? We'd sing along in the more obnoxious commercials. Some of us planned to post an offer of "Buy 3 plasma screens for only $4999" on April 1st, but since our customers have no sense of humor whatsoever we didn't dare.
The only thing that has gotten better since the store was bought by a competitor chain is that the TVs are gone. Corporate handled the buyup so bad that as an added bonus there are also less customers in the store nowadays, so it's almost too quiet.

guthmund

I have to stop coming here while I'm at work....

I recieved a nice long look from the crowd after I snorted aloud at the midget/unicycle tangent. I'm just thankful they weren't still looking when the 'twirling pasties' hit my screen. I'm already the 'weird' guy; I really don't want to be the 'porn' guy as well.

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Charlatan

How to solve the problem of TVs in the checkout line... or anywhere else these pesky invaders popup (gas station pumps, subway cars, etc.).


TV B GONE!!!

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Glory's Sun

I'm soooooo getting one of those.. thanks Charlatan



don't know why I'd need it 'cept to bug my friends.. cuz around these parts we ain't got no fancy televisions in our stores.. dem dere things are for city folk

xepherys

a) To the poor sap from Flint... dude... go to Kroger! Errr... whatever the Kroger's up there are called (cannot recall). Farmer Jack is evil... EVIL I tell ya!

b) I think almost all regional or national stores are like this. Meijer, Safeway, Albertsons, Kroger, Osco Drugs, CVS, Rite-Aid, K-Mart, Wal-Mart...

Grasshopper Green

I work for a Kroger company, and I've worked for a different chain back east...both play music, although they were both just easy listening type stuff, no instrumentals. However, I think the people who put the playlists together try to find the worst imagineable music and put it together...

And I don't understand the mass signage, stickering, and other assorted advertisements. I really don't notice at work, but when I shop I notice that it looks like cluttery mess and pisses me off when I just want to find the damn price. Nice letter clavus, I truly enjoyed it

PS, thank god we don't have those TVs....yet.

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Coppertop

Several more reasons to buy your groceries online.

jorgelito

Oh boy, I'm going to go out on a limb here.... I like the tv's at the checkout counter at Ralph's (Kroger's). They're nice flat panel screens, not too loud and I like the content. Cooking recipes, weather update, SPORTS UPDATE (awesome), news updates - I find it makes waiting in line a bit more pleasant.

I also find myself singing to the obnoxious "muzak". I actually sit there and scratch my head trying to figure out what the original song.

Funniest one so far: Jimi Hendrix, "Voodoo Child" in muzak form. Man, just imagine the guitar replaced with flutes and string whatever....ugh!

clavus

today, I got a reply -
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Good aftternoon

I received your comments today and just wanted to take a moment to respond. I appreciate the feedback, and it is not the only comment I have recieved. The monitors at the checkout are a corporate program, and is being evaluated. I will forward your comments along as well.

I do not expect to see them removed in the immediate future, but it will be considered.

Thanks again for taking the time to give your opinion.

__________________
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TheOtherDave™

Stellar letter of complaint.

I'm following suit; it's an endemic problem with retail.
Hell, even the local Macys is guilty of noise pollution by muzak.
Here's hoping things improve.

Lately, I just grab my mp3 player and drown out their commercial bilge with music of my choosing.

smackson

None of the Albertsons here have these TVs. I want us to have the TVs so I can bitch about them too.

God of Thunder

I shop at a local chain that actually cares about their customer. They just re-designed the store and did smart things, like wideming the aisles and expanding the bakery. I wish, for everyone's sake, that all states had a VG's supermarket.

Good to see you got a reply Clavus.

__________________
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-- Adam Savage

Rodney

I go to our Albertson's as little as possible. We shop at a locally-owned market that closes at 9, so Albertson's is only for late-night emergencies.

They haven't installed the TVs yet. But I avoid Albertson's (and Safeway) because of the Club Cards. It's such a rip -- the low "club card" price is generally what we pay normally at the independent market, and the "regular" price is an artificially high price meant to force you to have a club card. Sorry, I don't want my market to know what I buy and where I live.

Is it this way at other Albertson's: it's almost impossible to buy toilet paper in less than a 12-pack? And the price per roll is no less than that of a four-pack at the other store? We don't even have the shelf space for 12 rolls of TP!

SpikeQX99

HEY!

If this whole letter writing thing goes through.... You are gonna have hell to pay from the local Unicycle riding transvestite midget Union Local 2 1/2.....

I ask you Mr. Clavus... Would you be able to sleep at night at the thought of dozens of URTV's and their families going hungry at night because their hijinks don't leave you with a "positive shopping experience"?

Can you live with that?

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analog

i spend very little time in grocery stores... and even when I do, I don't allow a barrage of visuals to overcome me. I honestly don't understand the complaints that you're assaulted by signs and sale tags and such. Just... ignore them. If you're really so drawn to them that you can't keep from being distracted, I think there's an issue with your attention span, or your sight, or something. Truly. I hear this complaint from time to time, and I just don't understand it.

Now, as far as the music and audio-enabled TV's go, that's different. I cannot choose to hear or not hear the music, like I can choose to ignore the signs and sales tags and whatnot. The music should be a low level, and the TV nonsense shouldn't interfere more than a few feet in any direction. What really peeves me is when you can hear those stupid things from 12 feet away.

basmoq

wow, that was a very polite and politically correct reply, I love it. Good Going Clavus!!!

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amire

This summer, I worked at a grocery store as a bagger and cashier.

Take your one hour per week of hearing this music and multiply that by 25 to 30. Tack on to that a really annoying supervisor and customers who ask for price checks every other item, and you've got yourself a party!

Actually, my store wasn't nearly that bad. The music was low, all but two of the workers were nice, and the shoppers were fine. But I've heard horror stories from other branches.