need advice talking to grandmother after grandfather died - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

BAMF · 07-23-2005, 07:24 AM

My grandfather died this morning. I havent seen him in years, and I havent talked to my dad yet. Both of my parents are going over to England as of this afternoon, and I am going to call my grandmother tommorow morning.

I have no clue what to say. I am insensitive, but do not want to come off that way on the phone. What do you say?
"Don't worry, things will work out."
"At least now you don't have to take care of him"

I can not convey any emotion at all in my voice. When we moved to America they thought I had a speach problem (english accent) and put me into speach therapy all through elementary school. Now I have a flat monotone that sounds sarcastic whenever I try to be serious.

maleficent · 07-23-2005, 07:35 AM

The trite things to say..
How are you doing? Well gee, I just lost my husband of XX years, I thought I'd go out swing dancing...
Is there anything I can do for you? Yeah, bring back my husband...

There are no magic words to say when someone you love has died. Dont look for those magic words. Be honest with her, if you are sad for your grandfather's loss, say so, otherwise, it will come across as fake. Tell her you love her, if you do, and that you are sorry you couldnt see her in person, if you are.

If you were to call her without having to make a sympathy call, what would you have said? Maybe she'd appreciate a conversation about something else, like maybe what's going on in her grandson's life.

Start with a Hi Gram... (what's new would be a bad opening line) and Just wanted to give you a ring to tell you how sorry I am.... and share a memory or two of your grandfather.... Then follow her lead...

Siege · 07-23-2005, 10:46 AM

I think it really depends on the type of person your grandmother is.

My mom died when I was really young. I usually don't bring up that fact, simply because pretty much everyone says "oh my gosh, i'm so sorry" and gives me these looks of sympathy. I got over the death of my mother a long time ago, and I don't really need these words/looks of sympathy.

However, that's the type of person I am. If your grandmother needs a shoulder to cry on, then feel free to be that shoulder.

BAMF · 07-27-2005, 03:04 PM

FYI

I bombed

james t kirk · 07-28-2005, 10:08 AM

Try again.

Having lost both my parents within 5 years, I have had a lot of people say a lot things to me.

The best in my books is, "I am very sorry for your loss"

This works at all times (for me).

If you want to go from there, you might ask how she is doing and listen more than speak.

IMHO, it's always best to avoid (some of the ones I heard):

"He's in a better place"

"At least he's not suffering any more"

"Now you can move on with your life"

"It's a drag man"

"Only time will help"

or, any questions about his death, etc.

Take it from someone who has been there.

punx1325 · 07-28-2005, 05:03 PM

I'd just listen to her...sometimes all they want to do is have someone to talk to. I know when my grandmother died my grandfather was very lonely. I was on the first flight to his house and just was there for him. If possible go and see her. Do all the things for her that your grandfather would do. It's a really hard time for her and she just needs someone to be with and guide her through this hard time. good luck man I know how hard it is to lose a family member...

ngdawg · 07-28-2005, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BAMF

FYI

I bombed

How so and how do you know?
Call again, "grandma, is there anything you need?"...that's really all it takes....

rockogre · 07-28-2005, 07:20 PM

Man, all you have to do is care. It'll come through on the other end. Family matters!

maleficent · 07-28-2005, 07:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockogre

Man, all you have to do is care. It'll come through on the other end. Family matters!

the man is correct...

07-23-2005, 07:24 AM	#1 (permalink)
BAMF Crazy	need advice talking to grandmother after grandfather died My grandfather died this morning. I havent seen him in years, and I havent talked to my dad yet. Both of my parents are going over to England as of this afternoon, and I am going to call my grandmother tommorow morning. I have no clue what to say. I am insensitive, but do not want to come off that way on the phone. What do you say? "Don't worry, things will work out." "At least now you don't have to take care of him" I can not convey any emotion at all in my voice. When we moved to America they thought I had a speach problem (english accent) and put me into speach therapy all through elementary school. Now I have a flat monotone that sounds sarcastic whenever I try to be serious.

07-23-2005, 07:35 AM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	The trite things to say.. How are you doing? Well gee, I just lost my husband of XX years, I thought I'd go out swing dancing... Is there anything I can do for you? Yeah, bring back my husband... There are no magic words to say when someone you love has died. Dont look for those magic words. Be honest with her, if you are sad for your grandfather's loss, say so, otherwise, it will come across as fake. Tell her you love her, if you do, and that you are sorry you couldnt see her in person, if you are. If you were to call her without having to make a sympathy call, what would you have said? Maybe she'd appreciate a conversation about something else, like maybe what's going on in her grandson's life. Start with a Hi Gram... (what's new would be a bad opening line) and Just wanted to give you a ring to tell you how sorry I am.... and share a memory or two of your grandfather.... Then follow her lead... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

07-23-2005, 10:46 AM	#3 (permalink)
Siege is a tiger Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada	I think it really depends on the type of person your grandmother is. My mom died when I was really young. I usually don't bring up that fact, simply because pretty much everyone says "oh my gosh, i'm so sorry" and gives me these looks of sympathy. I got over the death of my mother a long time ago, and I don't really need these words/looks of sympathy. However, that's the type of person I am. If your grandmother needs a shoulder to cry on, then feel free to be that shoulder. __________________ "Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek" --Kevin Smith This part just makes my posts easier to find

07-28-2005, 05:03 PM	#6 (permalink)
punx1325 Junkie Location: San Diego	I'd just listen to her...sometimes all they want to do is have someone to talk to. I know when my grandmother died my grandfather was very lonely. I was on the first flight to his house and just was there for him. If possible go and see her. Do all the things for her that your grandfather would do. It's a really hard time for her and she just needs someone to be with and guide her through this hard time. good luck man I know how hard it is to lose a family member... __________________ If something seems too good to be true, then it probably is....

07-28-2005, 07:20 PM	#8 (permalink)
rockogre I aim to misbehave! Location: SW Oklahoma	Man, all you have to do is care. It'll come through on the other end. Family matters! __________________ Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G. I. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

07-27-2005, 03:04 PM	#4 (permalink)
BAMF Crazy	FYI I bombed

07-28-2005, 10:08 AM	#5 (permalink)
james t kirk Junkie Location: Toronto	Try again. Having lost both my parents within 5 years, I have had a lot of people say a lot things to me. The best in my books is, "I am very sorry for your loss" This works at all times (for me). If you want to go from there, you might ask how she is doing and listen more than speak. IMHO, it's always best to avoid (some of the ones I heard): "He's in a better place" "At least he's not suffering any more" "Now you can move on with your life" "It's a drag man" "Only time will help" or, any questions about his death, etc. Take it from someone who has been there.