Question that strikes at the heart of what we do here - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

ruggerp11 · 07-05-2005, 03:20 PM

I have a question.

How far does privacy go on the internet?

This has bugged me for a while. I don't usually post about things that are currently happening in my life. Old things and stories? Sure, fair game. There have even been times when I've asked for generic advice regarding just me (as far as how to approach a girl or when to call), or something non-personal (like phone card advice for calling my girlfriend for example).

What I have trouble with is personal issues involving someone I care about. This relates to the gf, parents, friends, and other family. There have been issues that I would like advice on but don't feel that its my place to "out it" to the community of web users that congregate here.

Say I was married... I would not ask for advice about my wife and I's sex lives. I might ask for opinions on toys, and post funny stories but nothing of our personal relationship.

I would also not post pictures of her or any one close to me without explicit consent. Even fully clothed and non sexual pictures.

I do this because I am a private person and respect other's privacy as well. This extends to what I'm going to refer to as the 'outside world.' If you are with me in person, or talk to me one on one via phone or IM I will tell you a lot about tme, but to just post it like is done here is something I am really not comfortable with.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you post things about people you care about without telling them, or getting their consent? If so, why is that ok?

ShaniFaye · 07-05-2005, 03:28 PM

Dave (who you all know doesnt post here and only reads things over my shoulder sometimes) and I are VERY open people. I do not believe that I can offer advice to people without sharing my own life experiences. Neither he nor I hide anything ever from anyone....our friends, family, etc know everything about us.

I post things about Dave (ie his bisexuality) with his knowledge, but would not if he asked me not to...but that wouldnt happen because he's open so I dont need to get "consent" about specific things. This community is about sharing and helping other people....I just cant ambiguously do that.

maleficent · 07-05-2005, 03:39 PM

I am not an open person by any stretch of the imagination, and there are some things I just won't talk about here because I just dont have that comfort level here... but other things- eh - -I made my peace with it so if something in my past can help someone else.. then I have no problem with it.

Everyone has their own limits as to what they will and will not talk about. I would hope that whatever people said about their spouses here, would also say in front of their spouses (in some cases, I know that's not the case, where as other couples I think the honestly that is expressed here helps to enhance their relationship -- but that could be the Pollyanna in me talking...

Anonynimity makes it a lot easier to divulge things... and if people are ok with it - then - well... :shrug:

Seeker · 07-05-2005, 03:54 PM

I have only posted re a personal situation once. I found that because the nature was so personal and involved others, it made me very aware of how I phrased the post. I took extreme care to not make the others concerned out to be the bad guys, and I don't believe they were bad guys at all. It was purely frustration at the time.

I posted to get others views and to make sure that I wasn't overlooking something. It was mainly to see if I was taking everything into consideration and maintaining the best balance for myself as well as the others involved.

Sometimes it's hard to know if the line you have drawn is the right or best one

I don't know if that makes posting about others without their consent ok. I think it is ok if you are careful to stick to just the facts and ensure it is not a rant. My experience was quite funny as the person I was discussing appeared here without my knowledge and gave quite a lengthy rebuttal... it all worked out in the end as it prompted a discussion and cleared quite a bit for the both of us.

ruggerp11 · 07-05-2005, 04:52 PM

Shani- Thats wonderfull that you and Dave are so open to everyone. I am really really open to my close friends and family. They know anything they want to and everything if they want to. My problem is the random people. I know that this place it dedicated to helping people with various situations, and I embrace that. I guess I just don't feel the need to throw out intimate details about my current personal life. The difference is that there is some things that I don't feel people should or have to right to know about me.

I make no assumptions about my SO. I would not post about her life no matter what the circumstances unless she gave me consent or asked me to seek outside advice. I guess maybe I'm not sure what I'm asking other than trying to feel out how other people approach the situation.

Do you guys ask first? "can I post about this online and see what others have to say?" or do you post first? "well some one on the forum posted that we should try this"

How does one broach the online community topic, especially to someone who doesn't know or have experience about/with it.

"HEY HONEY! I got it under good recommendation that this dildo will make you come!"

little awkward I think lol.

raeanna74 · 07-05-2005, 04:58 PM

In person I and my family are very open about our personal lives. It's likely that in person my family is a bit TOO open because they're constantly airing their dirty laundry all about.

Hubby and I are both members of TFP. So discussing matters that I would hope to keep from my husband are quite impossible and I actually find myself rarely even considering mentioning anything. It actually seems as though when I have considered discussing something here that's bothering me with our marriage that I usually decide that I need to discuss it with hubby first before bringing it up here. My thinking is that if I were to bring it up without at least first giving him a chance to be aware of it that he would be somewhat offended by that. Usually then though, after hubby and I discuss it I feel no need to even bring up my complaint here. This is a very good thing that TFP has done for me/us.

I am also aware that there are several friends/family who are aquainted with TFP. Some are members, some were members in another TFP life. No matter though I tend to be somewhat careful about who I complain about for fear it would get back to the wrong person. That is unless the complaint is COMPLETELY justified.

07-05-2005, 03:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
ruggerp11 Cautiously soaring Location: exploring my new home in SF	Question that strikes at the heart of what we do here I have a question. How far does privacy go on the internet? This has bugged me for a while. I don't usually post about things that are currently happening in my life. Old things and stories? Sure, fair game. There have even been times when I've asked for generic advice regarding just me (as far as how to approach a girl or when to call), or something non-personal (like phone card advice for calling my girlfriend for example). What I have trouble with is personal issues involving someone I care about. This relates to the gf, parents, friends, and other family. There have been issues that I would like advice on but don't feel that its my place to "out it" to the community of web users that congregate here. Say I was married... I would not ask for advice about my wife and I's sex lives. I might ask for opinions on toys, and post funny stories but nothing of our personal relationship. I would also not post pictures of her or any one close to me without explicit consent. Even fully clothed and non sexual pictures. I do this because I am a private person and respect other's privacy as well. This extends to what I'm going to refer to as the 'outside world.' If you are with me in person, or talk to me one on one via phone or IM I will tell you a lot about tme, but to just post it like is done here is something I am really not comfortable with. What are your thoughts on this? Do you post things about people you care about without telling them, or getting their consent? If so, why is that ok? __________________ Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it. --Mark Twain Do What makes you happy --Me BUT! "Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

07-05-2005, 03:28 PM	#2 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Dave (who you all know doesnt post here and only reads things over my shoulder sometimes) and I are VERY open people. I do not believe that I can offer advice to people without sharing my own life experiences. Neither he nor I hide anything ever from anyone....our friends, family, etc know everything about us. I post things about Dave (ie his bisexuality) with his knowledge, but would not if he asked me not to...but that wouldnt happen because he's open so I dont need to get "consent" about specific things. This community is about sharing and helping other people....I just cant ambiguously do that. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

07-05-2005, 03:39 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I am not an open person by any stretch of the imagination, and there are some things I just won't talk about here because I just dont have that comfort level here... but other things- eh - -I made my peace with it so if something in my past can help someone else.. then I have no problem with it. Everyone has their own limits as to what they will and will not talk about. I would hope that whatever people said about their spouses here, would also say in front of their spouses (in some cases, I know that's not the case, where as other couples I think the honestly that is expressed here helps to enhance their relationship -- but that could be the Pollyanna in me talking... Anonynimity makes it a lot easier to divulge things... and if people are ok with it - then - well... :shrug: __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less. Last edited by maleficent; 07-05-2005 at 04:19 PM..

07-05-2005, 03:54 PM	#4 (permalink)
Seeker Getting Clearer Location: with spirit	I have only posted re a personal situation once. I found that because the nature was so personal and involved others, it made me very aware of how I phrased the post. I took extreme care to not make the others concerned out to be the bad guys, and I don't believe they were bad guys at all. It was purely frustration at the time. I posted to get others views and to make sure that I wasn't overlooking something. It was mainly to see if I was taking everything into consideration and maintaining the best balance for myself as well as the others involved. Sometimes it's hard to know if the line you have drawn is the right or best one I don't know if that makes posting about others without their consent ok. I think it is ok if you are careful to stick to just the facts and ensure it is not a rant. My experience was quite funny as the person I was discussing appeared here without my knowledge and gave quite a lengthy rebuttal... it all worked out in the end as it prompted a discussion and cleared quite a bit for the both of us. __________________ *To those who wander but who are not lost...* ~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

07-05-2005, 04:52 PM	#5 (permalink)
ruggerp11 Cautiously soaring Location: exploring my new home in SF	Shani- Thats wonderfull that you and Dave are so open to everyone. I am really really open to my close friends and family. They know anything they want to and everything if they want to. My problem is the random people. I know that this place it dedicated to helping people with various situations, and I embrace that. I guess I just don't feel the need to throw out intimate details about my current personal life. The difference is that there is some things that I don't feel people should or have to right to know about me. I make no assumptions about my SO. I would not post about her life no matter what the circumstances unless she gave me consent or asked me to seek outside advice. I guess maybe I'm not sure what I'm asking other than trying to feel out how other people approach the situation. Do you guys ask first? "can I post about this online and see what others have to say?" or do you post first? "well some one on the forum posted that we should try this" How does one broach the online community topic, especially to someone who doesn't know or have experience about/with it. "HEY HONEY! I got it under good recommendation that this dildo will make you come!" little awkward I think lol. __________________ Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it. --Mark Twain Do What makes you happy --Me BUT! "Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu

07-05-2005, 04:58 PM	#6 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	In person I and my family are very open about our personal lives. It's likely that in person my family is a bit TOO open because they're constantly airing their dirty laundry all about. Hubby and I are both members of TFP. So discussing matters that I would hope to keep from my husband are quite impossible and I actually find myself rarely even considering mentioning anything. It actually seems as though when I have considered discussing something here that's bothering me with our marriage that I usually decide that I need to discuss it with hubby first before bringing it up here. My thinking is that if I were to bring it up without at least first giving him a chance to be aware of it that he would be somewhat offended by that. Usually then though, after hubby and I discuss it I feel no need to even bring up my complaint here. This is a very good thing that TFP has done for me/us. I am also aware that there are several friends/family who are aquainted with TFP. Some are members, some were members in another TFP life. No matter though I tend to be somewhat careful about who I complain about for fear it would get back to the wrong person. That is unless the complaint is COMPLETELY justified. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.