Fourtyrulz

I've been putting up with my roomate for the last 2 months. He doesn't talk to me, he doesn't acknowledge me. Which makes it very uncomfortable to live in the same 10x12 cubicle. The thing is, it just happened one day. We used to be good friends, then he just stops talking to me one day. Turns out that it was because instead of traveling to go eat the world's largest tenderloin a few towns over...I was celebrating my girlfriend's birthday.

On top of all that he posts ludicrous stuff in his fucking xanga and it makes me furious:

Edit: I wasn't looking at specifically at porn, I was at entensity.net. Those of you who go there often find that porn and entensity just kind of go together. Yes, I was at the Church of Satan website. Just looking at what Satanic philosophy is really all about. It makes a lot of sense of you can open your mind a bit and not jump to conclusions about the word Satan.

I am NOT a confrontational person. Hell, I have a hard time correcting fast food employees if they give me the wrong change. I usually just go by the philosophy "Live and let live", that people will get what they deserve eventually. But I have dealt with this for far too long. Now I'm not a tiny guy at all, this last semester was my first (and decidedly my last) season of 1AA football as a lineman. So at 6'3" 260 I think I am plently capable of bruising my 100 lb roomate. Hell, I'm shaking just thinking about it.

The thing is that my goal is to become a teacher, and I don't want anything to interfere with that. I'm that if I confront him physically I might put myself in a difficult spot with the university and ultimately my career choice, but I can't see any other way out of it. It's mighty hard to have a conversation with a guy who won't talk to you, even if you begin talking to him, I've tried many times. He just doesn't respect me at all anymore, it's obvious in the way he acts while I'm in the room trying to sleep, trying to study, if I see him around campus, etc...and I have reached my breaking point. I literally don't think I can suppress this any longer, and that scares the hell out of me.

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the·o·ry - a working hypothesis that is considered probable based on experimental evidence or factual or conceptual analysis and is accepted as a basis for experimentation.
faith - Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
- Merriam-Webster's dictionary

Glory's Sun

OK take a deep breath and chill out for a moment. There has to be a way to get him to talk to you. You say you've tried many times, but I wonder how you tried. Did you just say "What's up?" or "Hey man" ? Sometimes you have to be a little forceful with getting the convo started. Walk in, shut the door and say ok.. enough crap, we have to talk. Tell him what you think and let him say anything he wants. Make sure you let him say anything and everything. That's the only way it will get resolved. If he still doesn't talk then the best thing for you to do is to simply move on and forget about it. People change and people part ways..that's just the way it is. So don't bash his head in, don't get arrested and don't ruin your future career. Anyway, I'm sorry I couldn't really offer any better advice than this but good luck!

Fourtyrulz

Yeah, just a casual greeting that should be reciprocated between two human beings.

One main problem is that this isn NOT the first time he's done this to any number of friends. We used to have a really tight group of friends in high school, then he just stopped talking or acknowledging Alex, then it was Ben, then it was Chapman and Ard (which he names in his xanga posts). When he says that he won't talk to you he means it, like he will not talk to you. Even when an RA came to tell me to turn down my music one night after quiet hours, he just opened the door and pointed to me like "He's the culprit."

I couldn't agree more, and I have probably changed more this last year than at any point in my life since I learned to crap in a toilet but he views change as his friends becoming worthless and "ignorant excuses for human beings."

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the·o·ry - a working hypothesis that is considered probable based on experimental evidence or factual or conceptual analysis and is accepted as a basis for experimentation.
faith - Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
- Merriam-Webster's dictionary

maleficent

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you... If he's chosen to abandon his friends, for whatever reason, it's his choice. If he's badmouthing you, people that know you, and are your friends, won't believe it.

Just sounds like you are both just incompatible as roommates, and maybe you should consider switching rooms, or just ignore him until next semester and live somewhere else. You never really do know someone until you've lived in very small quarters with them.

Confronting him physically is only going to hurt you in the long run.

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Glory's Sun

Thanks for the background. It sounds like you friend has some emotional problems. Especially if he's done this to a number of friends. Maybe he's scared of change or he had someone close to him really hurt him. I don't know. It's definately not a healthy thing that he doesn't talk or open up. It's also pretty sad that he see change as ignorant excuses for human beings. He is changing constantly and for him to ignore that could be dangerous. I would give it another shot or two and this time give more than a casual greeting. Don't be nice, just tell him you want to know what the fuck is going on. If that doesn't work then chalk it up to crapped out emotions and move on

flamingdog

That's really not true at all.

The only way to deal with this is to force the discussion, or mete out the same treatment back. Sounds to me like he's the one with the issue and you're better off without him. Either way, pretending that being villified, victimised and insulted isn't hurtful isn't helping anyone.

JustJess

I've known people like this - they're usually people with some kind of social dysfunction. I.e. they just never grew up enough, or something, but haven't learned how to deal with people in a mature manner. I'd bet his xanga is full of terribly dark and awesomely deep observations and drama about his relationships - lots of girlfriends are 'soul mates', 'no one understands my very deep pain'... it's usually just a lot of immature bollocks.
I would suggest a new roommate and don't even think about him. It's going to be a while before he grows up, or whatever it is that he needs to do. You don't need to be around to get sucked into the melodrama bull. I've seen it a LOT.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

WillyPete

Does your friend know you go to the site where his posts are placed?
Is it possible that he did this to point out to you what's going on?

Personally?
If I had to live with someone like that, I'd either ask for a transfer to another room or face up to it.
On an afternoon when you know he's got nothing to distract him, knock on his door, excuse your interruption and tell him that you're going out for take away.
You'll get his favourite unless he wants otherwise and that while you are away he needs to come up with the things that he wants to discuss with you in point form.
Then, when you get back, discuss the list and listen to what he says. Important: LISTEN ONLY.
Then, tell him you'll be back in 20 and make a list of reasons for what he thinks are problems or things you'll do to correct them.

It sounds like both of you have trouble communicating.
The point forms make it like a meeting and give it some structure. If it wanders onto another point, then flag him or yourself down and say that you'll get to it at 'point x'.
Give it structure and you might find out what it's all about.

But agree that when it's your or his time to listen, then you have to LISTEN.

flamingdog

I wouldn't advise doing the above at all. Don't pander to this guy's insane whims, unless you can honestly say it's your fault he's behaving this way. Or you'll be right back here in six months when he decides you pissed him off again. There are two sides to every story.

maleficent

Actually - it's like a marriage -- there are three sides to every story -- his/hers and what really happened

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fulltiltgonzo

I had a roommate in the Marines and he had some (some?) hygiene issues. It got to the point where we didn't speak and eventually I packed his shit and put it outside the door. When he came home, he asked me what had happened and I merely informed him that I had evicted him...

He said "hmmm...", and calmly walked away. No muss, no fuss.

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I venture to suggest that patriotism is not a short and frenzied outburst of emotion but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.
- Adlai Stevenson

Suave

From the snippets you provided, your roommate looks like one of those... ugh I don't remember specifically what "group" they refer to themselves as, but SomethingAwful did an "Awful Website" piece on them. They might call themselves goths. "Swinging from the gallows"? Wow.

I doubt you can deal with this clown by talking it out, but it can't hurt to try. If you talk to him, ask him to stop being so immature and learn to let things go (you might want to avoid using the word immature obviously), and see if he either changes, or makes another post about you on his xanga. Failing that, you could talk to your RA/CA and ask for one of you to move to another room (they've likely got one open).

__________________
"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

JustJess

YES, one of THOSE!!! Gothy melodrama addicts.
Seriously, just kick him to the curb. He is not worth your time or energy - including the angry energy you've got going right now.

Oh, and then you could post about how great it is to not live with him and how good it felt to ditch his ass, and then I could live vicariously through you. Just a little!!

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

sashime76

Just out of curiosity, has his girlfriend said anything about you? Or made any comments? I mean, c'mon, all guys look at porn stuff, gay or straight. My hunch is that the gf said something to him, is she a controlling type?

Janey

It's April now. hopefully youare in final exams. that means one to three more weeks of putting up with this. If i was in yourposition, i would be spending all my days in the stacks, focusing studying, and in between hanging somewhere else, anywhere else, except where he is.

For the fall term, choose a single room, or get a house with 2 to 3 others to even out the complexities of living with others.

ubertuber

Not to be a stick in the mud, but have you thought about talking to your RA about this situation? Most schools deal with this kind of thing on at least a semi-regular basis. They won't be able to make you guys friends, but they should at least be able to help you hammer out a way to make it through the rest of the year.

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Cogito ergo spud -- I think, therefore I yam

Fourtyrulz

After half a day's worth of classes I've calmed down a bit, and talked to my girlfriend about the whole thing and we've figured out some ways of dealing with it.

If he has a problem with my exploration of different philosophies, my girlfriend and I decided it would be best to convert my stuff entirely into Satanic accessories: my computer background, my posters, everything will be set for worship. And if he has a problem with it he can talk to me, same thing goes with his girlfriend. We also decided that I should watch porn videos with the volume really loud, and see at what point they will stop acting childish (like I'm not? ) and actually tell me to stop or turn it down. I also enjoy listening to metal...metal of ALL kinds! If they are going to act like I'm not in the room, I too will act like they are not in the room. |\m/| ( - - ) |\m/| I'll burp and fart and do everything that embarasses him and his girlfriend. I'll MAKE them talk to me by annoying them.

She's not controlling as far as I've seen. But they've only been going out for about a month and a half and she already folds his clothes and stuff for him. She's also very Christian oriented, and is part of many different campus groups. She hasn't said a single word to me since they started going out, she won't even exchange greetings with me on campus.

I just recently signed up for a single room on the other side of campus in upper class housing. He put all of his resources in to actually becoming an RA for next year and didn't ever think that he wouldn't get it...he didn't get it. So I think he's stuck in the same building next year with a new roomie. And I do study away from the room most of the time. The problem comes from his staying up until 1 in the morning listening to music, even after I've asked him to turn it down or throw on headphones. My sleep schedule is practically determined by his. At least next year I won't have to worry about it!

Let the games begin!

Edit: If y'all have some good ideas on how to annoy the piss out of them please feel free to chime in!

__________________
the·o·ry - a working hypothesis that is considered probable based on experimental evidence or factual or conceptual analysis and is accepted as a basis for experimentation.
faith - Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
- Merriam-Webster's dictionary

Rlyss

Did you break a promise to eat the steak with him? What's the real story behind that? Was going out for that dinner a big plan between you two, and then you let him down? Or did he know all along that you wouldn't be going? Try not to tell your side of the story, say what actually happened.

I think the guy is a bit ridiculous for ignoring you this whole time, but I wouldn't be very happy if my roomate was looking at porn. I just checked out www.entensity.net and you have to admit, there are pictures of naked people there, even though parts are blurred. I wouldn't want my roomate to look at that while my girlfriend was in the room. Artistic like some parts of the TFP, or humorous like that site seems to be, either way I wouldn't like it. All that needed was for him to mention to you later that he didn't like that while she was around though. Ignoring you this whole time may be the result of not eating steak and looking at porn and him being overly meladromatic, but I get the feeling that it's a lot more than that, that he's annoyed about stuff you're unaware of. I don't think everyone in the world is just plan nuts, goth, or overly emotional, I think most people are normal and he's probably pissed off about a lot of stuff that you don't know you're doing.

I don't know why you feel like you have to mention your weight and your strength. If you're feeling the need to bruise this guy then you're even more nuts than he is. Sorry, but that paragraph and putting your career goals in jeapardy just came right out of nowhere for me. "You're ignoring me, so let's have a fist fight"?

Next time you see him, apologize for the things you know he didn't like, and then the ball is in his court. Start your plans to move rooms in a few weeks like Janey says, and if you two can work it out before then, then you can choose whether to move. If he doesn't want to talk then go ahead and move.

Fourtyrulz

The Friday night before my girlfriend's birthday I'm sitting there wrapping presents and out of the blue he asks "You want to go eat the world's largest tenderloin tomorrow?"..."Uhhh, I can't it's ____'s birthday." He hasn't talked to me since. Maybe he had set a date or something, or maybe we even make plans a long time before hand. But reminding me the night before my girlfriend's birthday just isn't going to work out.

Teaching is a very sensitive profession to get into. If it came down to me having a police record saying I beat the crap out of my roomate it could cost me a job. It's not only about the ignoring me. It is about treating me like crap and treating me like a stranger in my own room, having no respect for my needs as a student and a human (studying, sleeping), posting crap in his online journal simply so everyone can read it and comment on how right he is regardless of the truth, and just for being himself, which if you knew him would make you want to punch him in the face anyway. This has been a lot longer than 2 months in coming. He's pulled crap similar to this a couple other times during the year but we managed to work it out. My girlfriend won't even come over anymore because of the huge disrespect he shows to me and her when we are in the room. To be honest, living in a 10x12 concrete dorm with someone who never leaves the room (he's tied to his computer literally all day when he's not in class) would make you want to kill a lot more people than just your roomate.

__________________
the·o·ry - a working hypothesis that is considered probable based on experimental evidence or factual or conceptual analysis and is accepted as a basis for experimentation.
faith - Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
- Merriam-Webster's dictionary

Fourtyrulz

Exactly, that's all that it would take, just a mention, and he didn't do anything. And why should I have to censor myself in my own space? It's not as though they were watching a movie or doing anything. If he doesn't like it they can go down the hall to the lounge...which is quiet, has a TV, and lots more furniture that we don't have room for!

__________________
the·o·ry - a working hypothesis that is considered probable based on experimental evidence or factual or conceptual analysis and is accepted as a basis for experimentation.
faith - Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
- Merriam-Webster's dictionary

Carno

Um, no offense, but I think your idea of annoying him into talking to you is stupid. It's childish, and in my opinion, the only thing that it will produce is hatred towards you. You will turn two people who merely dislike you into two people who hate you and will probably badmouth you.

I'd lock him in the room and force him to talk to me. Push a bed against the door or something. But I would not stoop to such a lowly level to attempt to get him to talk to me.

Fourtyrulz

The way I see it I've got nothing to lose. He already badmouths me (xanga) and doesn't respect me...what else is there to do? If he doesn't respond to my goofy attempts then that's fine, at this point it doesn't matter.

__________________
the·o·ry - a working hypothesis that is considered probable based on experimental evidence or factual or conceptual analysis and is accepted as a basis for experimentation.
faith - Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
- Merriam-Webster's dictionary

Carno

Yeah I guess so. Well, do what you gotta do then.

MSD

You do realize that this is an extraordinarily immature way to deal with it. It sounds exactly like what my brother and his girlfriend would decide to do. Also, I'd be interested to know exactly what interpretation of "Satanism" you've decided to pretend to practice, because the First Church of Satan (the prevalent modern Satanic organization) does not specifically engage in worship, it's more like a Confucian School of thought than a deity-worshipping religion. If you're getting into something like Odinism or Infernalism, then youi're probably trying much too hard if your only goal is to annoy someone. Perhaps you could start posting replies to his crap on Xanga and trying to get a discussion going there.

I'm going to laugh my ass of if I see a news report of two college students getting in a fight over an attempted exorcism.

This is a lot more like what you should be doing. If he has music up too loud, complain to the RA if he won't respond. It's their job to do that kind of stuff.

Glory's Sun

All I have to say to that is Thank You. Most people are completely confused about the teachings and meanings behind Satanism.. but I've already said too much

Fourtyrulz

Well given my roomate's ignorant view of what Satanism should be, that's what I'm going to give him. I know that Satanism isn't the actual worship of a Luciferian deity, and I know what Satanism is truly about so why not play on its infamous reputation?

Right now I am beyond the point where I think reconcilliation of this friendship is even worth the effort. I've taken Janey's advice to heart; just get through the rest of this month and I don't have to put up with it anymore. Why shouldn't I have some light hearted "revenge" these last few weeks?

I can only give you all a mere infantesimal glimpse at what all has happened this year, so I guess it's only fair to see you make assumptions (not in a bad way either) based on one or two internet diary posts. I thank you guys for all the advice, even those who disagree with the way I'm going about things. To quote the late Mieszko Talarczyk of Nasum who once wrote, "Fight terror with terror!"...or in this case "Fight 5 year olds with Mega Blocks and little Nerf footballs!"

__________________
the·o·ry - a working hypothesis that is considered probable based on experimental evidence or factual or conceptual analysis and is accepted as a basis for experimentation.
faith - Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
- Merriam-Webster's dictionary

ShaniFaye

maybe because you're not in high school anymore and its time to act like a grown up?

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Lasereth

Just ask why he's being an ignorant asshole. Say, "hey, why do you think this or that." Bring up his stupid little journal on the Internet and tell him to stop coming to false conclusions. Tell him he's overreacting and being a drama queen.

I like entensity.net as well. My roommate actually started going there after I went to it because of the pure entertainment value from the site. Sure, it looks like a porn site, but it's really a Internet stupidity database.

Seriously...he's being an ignorant drama queen, so tell him. You may have a hard time confronting people but you'll feel better after you do.

-Lasereth

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"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert

Cynthetiq

and with that what's with the passive/aggressive solution of annoying until he does something? Why not just take the bull by the horns and have a sit down?

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

lindseylatch

Or suck it up and ignore him?
Annoying the crap out of him sounds like stooping to his level, or actually below it, since he just decided to ignore you and doesn't seem to be doing anything to deliberately annoy you.

And this, boys and girls, is why we don't room with friends, or make friends with roomies.

__________________
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
-Voltaire

snowy

Exactly.

Go talk to your RA!!! That's what they are THERE FOR. I was an RA and had to deal with this kind of stuff all the time. They're TRAINED to deal with roommate issues and conflict mediation. They probably even have a little document (quite common among res life staff) called a Roommate Contract. In it, you each outline what you want from the other so that it becomes clear, you discuss it, you each sign it, and being adults, you agree to work it out.

I have to agree with Shani--you're not in high school any more. I've had some bad roommates, trust me--one girl who would stay up until 5am and another who would have people over until 3am, etc. There are better ways to deal with the situation than being passive-aggressive. And if you can't find the balls to deal with this yourself and call him on his own passive-aggressive behavior, your RA will help you do so.

Be the adult in the situation--by going forward with passive-aggressive behavior you're only sinking down to his level.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Janey

I know that this is off topic, but what does RA stand for anyways? I imagine the role is similar to either a Floor Senior, or Proctor, or a residence Don. In my residence, the floor proctor was a level below the residence Don.

lindseylatch

Resident Assistant (or Advisor).

__________________
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him."
"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
-Voltaire

la petite moi

Dude, don't let him get to you. In your heart, you can know that HE'S the immature one. And hell, you have the right to go to whatever websites you want to. In the end, he'll be the loser in this situation.

Suave

That is the silliest thing I've ever heard. You silly person with your "maturity" and honesty. It's so cute.

__________________
"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

Seeker

Has he changed at all? (Besides flicking his tight group of friends )
Actually, just that point alone makes me wonder if this was pointed out would he see that perhaps he hasn't been a 'true' friend to any of you...

Anyway, good luck with the new room. I hope you find an amicable resolution that you can rest with

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

Fourtyrulz

Took a major step tonight. After reading more roomate bashing in his xanga I decided to drop the childish bullshit (you guys were right) and let him know how I felt without being too disrespectful.

This is a post I made in the comments section of his xanga:

I feel sick to my stomach right now after I sent it, and I feel even more nauseated thinking about tomorrow when I'll see him again. It's been a really busy week school wise and I can't keep staying up until 1am listening to his music and getting up at 6:45, so I've been spending nights at my girlfriend's dorm. Wish me luck with this comment thing...

__________________
the·o·ry - a working hypothesis that is considered probable based on experimental evidence or factual or conceptual analysis and is accepted as a basis for experimentation.
faith - Belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
- Merriam-Webster's dictionary

la petite moi

You know, people like him ENJOY getting on peoples' nerves. Personally, I think you should have confronted him straight out, with his post printed in hand. Point out every little discrepency you had with it.

Anyway, if he talks to you about it, be an adult. Try to be calm, despite some real anger. Explain to him WHY you were looking at "porn" and that you were trying to LEARN about OTHER beliefs. Explain how a friendship is a two-way street.

snowy

Hopefully that will get the ball rolling towards some meaningful dialogue. I wish you luck, and do not hesitate to involve your RA if you think things are getting out of hand or you need the mediation.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

tspikes51

I would just like to take this opportunity to go on the record and say that xanga has to be the worst thing to ever happen to the internet. This is the second time this week that I've heard of crap like this happening with xanga.

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"I'm telling you, we need to get rid of a few people or a million."
-Maddox