clavus

I sat on the floor, cross-legged (I don’t think we can call that "Indian style" anymore) with my youngest on my lap. We were reading a book about cats. It was cute. It was fun.

My cat walked over to us. He purred. He rubbed his big orange face up against the book. My kid babbled excitedly. "Ka! Ka!" More cute. More fun.

My purring cat turned to face me and suddenly vomited. No longer cute nor fun.

The book took the brunt of it, and thankfully shielded my kid from the stream of foul matter. But I got hit in the hand, arm and leg. So I dropped the book, grabbed the cat and pointed him away from us, like a cat-puke-gun. But then I was stuck.

I was cross-legged with a kid on my lap. I had a squirming cat in my outstretched hands and a kid sitting on my legs. I couldn’t stand up without dumping him on to the floor (and into the cat puke). I couldn’t let go of the cat, who was now pulling a Linda Blair, spraying an arc of burgundy-colored chum onto the carpet around us.

Meanwhile, my kid was desperately trying to get out of my lap, so I had to hold him with my elbows…it was like yoga for the criminally insane. Jesus!

It's amazing how quickly things can turn from sweet to surreal.

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analog

You have some of the best stories, clavus. Fucking hilarious!

braisler

Cat puke guns! For the army of tomorrow, today!

laconic1

That story is exactly what I needed to brighten my day. Thanks clavus!!

larny

fantasic, someones luck worse than mine,

fro2020

Amazing how all of you revel in the horrible fortune of clavus.

By the way, better you than me, man!

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bacon_masta

That sounds remarkably unpleasant, I thought MY cat was obnoxious. Hope the puke stains come out.

yellowchef

fabulous.. but my cat usually makes some sort of god awful noise before she yacks.

too funny

kurtisj

any cats ive known always give warning meows then let it go, that sucks though

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clavus

Ya, usually he does a few dry heaves first. I think the cat was as surprised as anybody.

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K-Wise

Haha it's so funny how we always find humor in your misfortunes. We're so bad.

Asta!!

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Manuel Hong

Wheee!! That's damn funny and well told!! Yoga for the criminally insane, indeed!

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eribrav

It's after 1900 here in the east, and I don't think I had laughed yet today.

Thank you.

Demeter

The first thing you need to learn about Cat-puke guns is to keep the safety on. You see what can happen if they go off accidently. Hehehe, my cat does a whole hunched up dry heaving dance before he spews. Usually on the bathroom floor, thank goodness.

Xell101

Your verbal power is tightly linked with your funny. Good stuff.

FngKestrel

So we've got a dog story, a naked man with powertool story, a drunk story, and now a cat story. How are you going to top yourself?

clavus

I suppose I could adopt a couple dozen monkeys, or get a shark tank...

Why do I feel that my obituary will be later denounced as an urban myth?

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FngKestrel

I'll make sure to provide info to snopes.com so they can set the record straight. "It was a dozen monkeys, not chimpanzees."

alicat

I sooo feel for you Clavus. I have had many cats in my life and all have been copious ralphers. As was said, they usually did the dry heave thing, leaving just enough precious seconds to move them to an easily cleaned area before the actual ralphing ensued.

Unfortunately my current cat Grover saves his puke-fests for the middle of the night...on our white carpet...in our rental home. Good thing I only believe in euthanasia as an absolute last resort.

Ali

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oblar

hehe I love cats. My cats usually make a horrid, hacking sound before they actually vomit so you have a few seconds to quickly turn them or put them on an easily cleanable surface.

ironmaiden7o7

You have no idea how much I needed that laugh! Poor kid. I miss having a cat ...

Halx

The first time my cat puked... she just walked into the kitchen to say hi to everyone. We just stared at her for a while. Then, she became possessed. Her eyes widened. Her rear end raised up. The dry heaves began. Her body looked like it was willing itself inside out. Then... *splurt* ewww... JESSIE!!!!

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Nancy

Perhaps your cat hated the content of that child's book so much that it made it sick to its stomach. Literally.

Why does this bizzare stuff always happen to you clavus?

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I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

webfiend

This statement alone has me laughing so hard (still) that the neighbor just told me to shut the hell up

AfterBurn

haha thats funny, must be a big cat though..i've never seen a cat puke more than for like 5 seconds

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webfiend

Ohh, I have. It's not something you want to see.

ratbastid

About half an hour ago, lurkette noticed one of our cats, Floyd, do her "guilty run" out of the laundry room where we keep her litter box. Cat owners know the "guilty run" I'm talking about--head down, tail straight out, speed roughly Mach 0.8. The "I've done something I'm not supposed to do and nobody's going to lay a hand on me dammit" run.

lurkette peeked into the laundry room, where she saw a moderately dirty litterbox, and a laundry basket full of clean clothes. The closer she got, the clearer she got that those clothes were no longer clean...

Damn cat decided her box wasn't good enough for her and frickin peed in the laundry! And the box wasn't even all that dirty!

So now lurkette's put the laundry back in the washer, I've hosed down the basket in the shower, and I've cleaned the fucking litterbox.

Point taken, Floyd.

MSD

I think tha thalf of it is that it's so much funnier when he writes about it.

Cervantes

Thanx for sharing your missfortunes, you really have a way with words. That wa hilarious.

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bendsley

Cat puke gun. Sounds like something I would hear on the TV show Scrubs. Like last night, they were talking about Face Cake.

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omega2K4

Holy shit that's hilarious. You should write a book with all the topics you make.

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astrahl

Yet another reason why I love dogs. And the "pulling a linda blair," line was simply delightful! LOL

Astrocloud

My cat died recently. He was a vomiter. He had liver cancer. You should take your cat to the vet.

CSflim

Oh Jesus! That was the hardest I have laughed in weeks! You the man clavus!

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animosity

haha, great story to start off my night.

This is why I hate animals.

Jolt

our cat is bullimic.

Muffin is about 18 pounds of brown and gray flab and fuzz. She tends to binge-purge, so we generally don't let her self-feed. we have to just give her little bits of food here and there so she won't bolt it all down and spew it all right back up.

Then again...the faster she blows chunks, the chunkier the blow is, so it's more easily cleaned up...can just scoop up the chunder with a folded paper towel, and give the carpet a shot or two of Simple Green. On the rare occasions when she keeps it down for a while before she ralphs, it's wet slimy messy and totally disgusting. It's almost enough to initiate sympathy barf.

Anyhoo, I recommend Simple Green for cleaning kitty puke carpet stains.

Zephyr66

clavus, you and your stories are a couple of reasons why i stay here.

Sue

Ho Lee Shit!! that had me laughin so damn hard!!! LOL

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StickODynomite

Oooh gross ! Cat puke.. yuck. It grosses me out just seeing it (our cat likes to puke out of the blue), but oh man.. i can't imagine that warm icky puke on my body. ugh.

You're a lucky one i suppose haha.

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