clavus

“Cat eats a mouse”
“Cat eats a mouse”
“Cat eats a mouse”

“Yes,” Junior, “Cats eat mice.”

This exchange is typical of the conversations I have with my nearly-three-year-old son. Junior states a Universal Truth and repeats it three or four times. When he pauses to inhale, I confirm that he has spoken Truth with a capital T.

I can have these conversations on autopilot, any time, any place, regardless of the the topic. “Cat eats a mouse” is pretty benign. Some of Junior’s favorite proclamations include “I have saliva in my mouth,” “Poop stinks,” and the more complex version – “Mommy poops. Daddy poops. Junior poops.”

These days, I can stand in line at the grocery store and state with authority, “That’s right. Mom poops. Dad poops. Junior poops,” without batting an eye. My wife, however, is a little embarrassed by my poop pontifications when I launch into them unexpectedly…especially if our kid is back home with a babysitter.

“Look! Look! Cat eats a mouse. That’s funny.”

Junior was really trying to engage me in conversation. But I was really trying to read the sports page. Sacramento had lost a ball game, and I was desperately trying to make sense of the tragedy.

“Look! Look! Cat eats a mouse! Cat eats a mouse.”

I drug my eyes off the page and looked up at my son. “Yes, Junior, cat eats a …holy sh…!” Yes, I actually cut “holy shit” short. I should get sme Dad Points for that.

There was Mightycat, a triumphant gleam in his eye, a somewhat less-than-triumphant rat in his teeth. He stood proudly at the glass door, displaying his kill.

I didn’t want Junior to witness the disemboweling and dismemberment that Mightycat surely planned. It would only lead to more graphic public soliloquies from Junior. (“Mouse guts are messy.”) So I marched outside and demanded that Mightycat drop his vermin.

Mightycat looked up at me incredulously. His facial expression spoke volumes…volumes that all began with “Are you shitting me, monkeyboy?”

“No. Seriously. Drop it.”

He shot me a withering look and spat out the rat.

I wish I could properly describe the expression on Mightycat’s face when the rat rolled over and ran away. I can’t, but I want you to experience it. So do this –

If you have a teenage child, tell him he needs to send fewer emails because he is “wearing out the computer’s megahertz.” If you ARE a teenager, tell your dad that he wouldn’t need to stress out about “taxes and that mortgage stuff” if he just got a better job.

OK now take the look you just saw, and multiply it by about a bizillion. THAT is the look Mightycat gave me.

“Fine,” I muttered. “You’re right. I’m wrong. Please kill the damn thing.”

And for the next 15 minutes or so, Mightycat proceeded to beat, claw and bite at the rat while it ran crazily up and down the screen door in front of us. This live-action miniature Wild Kingdom episode delighted Junior. I can’t wait to hear what he has to say about it next time we are in public.

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cheerios

LOL I loved the description of the cat's expression. Be sure to let us know what Junior decides to describe it as!

Ashton

WhoaitsZ

I laughed, i blinked, i laughed some more.

cute kid

(kill the fuggin rat next time for chrissake, let the cat do as it pleases but a quick death would be so much cooler....)

as for the kid seeing it... i think that's fine, it obviously wasn't scaring him and that can be a sublimenal lesson when he's older.

cracked me up.

PS: i haaaaaaaaaaate it when cats bring us trophies. "alright! too bad i don't need new pillows!" you'll have like five bags of feathers and... stuff.

yuck

Glory's Sun

LOL my dad's cat has a habit of leaving headless squirrels on his doorstep.. what a way to say Goodmorning master

I loved the way you described the looks of the cat Clavus.. it was a funny post all the way through..

redravin40

Clavus this has to be one of the top ten posts on TFP.
The cats reaction alone is great reading.
My daughters cat liked to catch shrews, bring them in the house, put them in the bathtub and play shrew hockey.
Smack....down to one end of the tub.
Watch with interest as it tries to scrabble up the slick sides of the tub.
Pounce...then smack down to the other end of the tub.
Repeat until grownup goes crazy.

clavus

Wow. That's really quitea compliment. Thanks.

Shrew-hockey - that's hysterical!

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Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Halx

Ahaha I really enjoyed reading that. Thanks.

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[Don't Feed The Animals]

MrFlux

My dads cat leaves mutilated mice/lizards around all over the place, gotta watch where ya step walkin around on the lawn, nothing worse than getting a mouse corpse squished into the grip on your shoes

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flux (n.)
Medicine. The discharge of large quantities of fluid material from the body, especially the discharge of watery feces from the intestines.

vermin

With a title like that you'd have to expect my 2 cents worth.

All three of my cats are declawed front and back. The only thing they can catch are spiders and flies. The orange cat is an exeptional hunter considering his lack of claws and missing testicles (less testosterone in the system should make him more docile; I'd hate to see what he was like before neutering).

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If puns were sausages, this would be the wurst.

eyeronic

What a great little tale. Ahh the joys of fatherhood and pet ownership... Secretly I can't wait.

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