Is my brother a loser, or am I the ass?
 

Hello All
I am 41 , and have a little brother who is 22 and we have different mothers.
This kid just got sent to Europe on a 4 month exchange program. All expenses were paid by his parents. Two days into his stay he phones home and wants to come back , as he is lonely. While away he sends pictures of his dorm room, plastered with posters he has made of his cat, yes cat. I email him tell him to grow the "f ..." up , and enjoy this adventure, make friends, lose the cat pics, etc. etc. He doesn't reply but phones home to tell all that I have been mean to poor him
Our father is furious at me, his mother doesn't want to speak to me ever again, and they took the poor 350 pound boy out for a nice buffet meal to celebrate his return. What I want to know is , am I the jerk ? or does this kid have a large L on his forehead?

I'd be happy to take the chap's place!

Seriously...based on the short story you've shared it sounds like there are a few self esteem issues working within that boy. In any event it's a shame that he's missing a great opportunity at an adventure whose memories would last a life time.


Good luck...

You know, at one point or another in your life you realize that you're not a kid anymore, and you decide you're responsible for yourself from that point on.

Obviously your brother hasn't exactly had that revelation.

Sounds like your dad and his mom are only part of the problem.

I feel that I cannot vote with the options given, since there are a number of problems being presented here.

a) The guy (not kid or boy) has apparently been handed everything to him throughout his life.

b) Parents are doing the normal blind to the truth thing.

c) He is not taking any responsibiliy for his own self, including being very selfish for just wasting that trip.

d) And in most all cases such as this (Not the exact thing, but the general background.) what you had done was providing no help at all.

e) 350 Pounds? No offense, but even in our fat society, that will be looked down upon and the possibility of self esteem issues are so wide open.

That would be my answer to your questions.

Large L would be an understatement.

While he's got some issues, I'm going to agree with Destrox in that you kind of started it with the "grow the fuck up" comment. While we are all entitled to opinions, some are best left unsaid. So, to answer the question, it splits to: Brother is the loser = 85%, Brother being spoiled rotten = 10%, You being the ass = 5%.

He has issues, but if you are a 41 year old virgin... Not to be mean, but that's a little sad. I wish you both the best and all the happiness in the world.

You told him the right thing in the wrong way. Should have given him the advice without the abuse, and told him you bet if he gets out and walks around and sticks it out for three more days, he'd probably want to stay. And if he had done that, he just might have -- even though he sounds kind of soft and squishy in all other ways.

I mean, by swearing at him you gave him yet another excuse to bail, because he's so heartbroken, etc...

My first trip overseas, young and alone, I started out in a nasty hotel in a bad part of Bangkok in a neighborhood you didn't want to walk around with. I almost turned it around and went home, but bludgeoned myself into taking some initiative and getting the hell out of there. The rest of the trip was fine. Frankly, one major reason i didn't fold was because I was afraid my friends would all think I'd wimped out. So I stuck with it. Your half-brother, unfortunately, knew he'd be not blamed at all for wimping out, so he did -- and you made it even easier because now he could use you as the bad guy.

Are you an asshole? No. But you should have stayed calm instead of indulging your temper. Not only is anger the wrong approach, but he used it against you. Quite the manipulator, that boy.

I understand him getting home sick, but he needs to take this special opportunity he has been given and experience it. if it's not his thing than thats fine. but he should have thought it through before his parents spent the money on him. A harsh wakeup call is good sometimes, but for a guy who puts pictures of his cat all over his walls............

Try and find humour in the situation. If you can do that, you're already ahead. And think, you could delegate yourself to live vicariously
throught you're brother,....him banging 19,..20,..21 year olds. Or if he ain't getting any but you are, well then, let him continue to be nurtured, coddled and burped. Some women are very attracted to that in a man.

It's too bad he wasn't made to stay there by his parents. I went to France (and only spoke French) for three months and was extremely lonely sometimes, so I can understand him there. I wanted to come home during my two-week flu there, but my parents made me stay and I am totally glad I did.

It's just him who is missing out. I think you should be a little more sensitive, but really, yeah, he needs to enjoy those kinds of things while he can.

PS: I'd LOVE to take his place. Lucky bugger.

Sounds like a spoiled kid. My parents would have told me to suck it up and stay.


Oh, and at 22 they would have made me pay for it myself.

Why can't i get to go on trips like that for free? Even if you did get lonely I am sure you can find lots of stuff to do.

From what you said, I don't think you used the words "grow the fuck up" but if you sent that email with any intent other than to help him realize the amazing oppurtunity he's been give then he's not the only one with some growing to do.

If your father and his mother are willing to get that upset over an email then you should just smooth the situation over and leave life to teach the lessons your brother needs - eventually they'll grow tired of him and he'll realize that in the real world things aren't so easy...

Your brother's the "loser" and you're the "ass" but atleast he didn't know any better.

Yeah.. I think this is a case of answering yes to both. Yes, he's a loser, but a loser doesn't need any more ridicule. A loser needs someone to have confidence in him.

Boy's got some problems.

True to an extent I think. I believe that Cat Boy needs some tough love from his brother (who is giving it out it seems) and from his parents mostly. His parents should have stepped up and said hey you can't run from everything that scares you, or your gonna be running the rest of your life.

No your not coming home, so I advise you have the best possible time over there.

Little whiney kid needs a kick in the balls if you ask me.

Love, unconditional support, and kind words, is that all he's getting from his parens? "Grow the fuck up" is right, he needs to get his head out of his butt and his situation seems to be keeping it up there, at 15 years old and 350 lbs, how tall is he?

It sounds like he definitely has issues (I wouldn't go so far as to call him a loser) but your response sounds like it was motivated by jealousy and frustration rather than any concern for him. Bottom line, why does it matter to you? If he makes a mistake, he's the one who has to pay for it. (And your sucker parents.) If you really want to help him, listen to him completely sympathetically - this doesn't mean you have to agree with his concerns, just accept that they are valid. And then address those concerns from a place of compassion. It makes a huge difference to say "I understand that you're feeling scared and uncomfortable, but I'm afraid if you come home you'll be missing a huge opportunity for experience that you'll regret for the rest of your life" instead of "grow the fuck up." One's going to make a difference - even if he decides to come home, he will still relate to you like someone who listens to him - and the other is going to make him defensive and upset.

It gets very, very frustrating to see a sibling getting "more" or what is perceived as more. Yeah, at 22, the coddling needs to stop and he needs to get a set. I think the difference is that in your additional 20 years of living, you lived. He needs to or you'll be 60 and still bitchin

This particular big child's problem is seriouly overindulgent parents. Get in between them and the big fat baby, and you will lose every time.

Luck pal

Without question, it sounds like the kid has some issues. I have a couple of family members that are cut from the same cloth.

BUT, to be completely honest, I wonder why a 41 year old wastes the energy worrying about it. Seems like there's probably a lot more to this story.

Your point is on, but you were a "Jerk" about how you approached it with him.

Edit: to clarify my point. The kid has issues and he probably needs encouragement, even if your thinking "grow the f**k up" saying so directly probably did more harm than good.

I had to vote for who cares, because in all seriousness, he might need to get a life but you might benifit from learning to reign in your mouth instead of shooting it off. Both of you sound like you need a little growing, and personally I have already put out too many words towards this situation already.

Yes your brother has some problems, but so do you. You can't fix his problems you can only fix yours. I took me a long time to be able to say "not my problem" when one of my relatives would get in trouble. You have to provide support when appropriate, but you can't let their short coming eat you up. Life ain't fair. Get use to it. You will be a much happier person.

Lurkette gives some good advice in this thread.

He needs encouragement from you. Telling a person that they're bad at something has never improved their performance, but telling a person you see potential for improvement and think they can do it can work wonders. He's not an easy case obviously. But take a step back from the situation and before doing something you think will try to help him think about the consequences of what you say.

For example, if you tell someone not to do something that makes them want to do it more. But if you tell someone to do something, that makes them want to do what you want them to do.

Hopefully that makes some sense

Thanks to everyone, you shed some light on what I said/did. There is some truth that I have a degree of jealousy, I would love to be his age and have the chance to go to Europe on someone elses dime.

In my defense however, I would like to point out that this guy is seriously anti-social, never had a date, condescending, and so far all the coddling hasn't worked. He even still sees a Pediatrician !

One more anecdote about my brother. When we buried my Grandmother last year, we were both pallbearers, I couldn't believe how hard it was to carry the casket and was sweating like a pig He wasn't ( remember he is morbidly obese) I pointed out to him that when we remove the casket from the Hearse at the graveyard he better be lifting, or I will kick his ass, and magically the next time we lift the casket, it's a lot easier, and catboy is now huffing and puffing.
I have vented now. Thanks for listening to you all.

My brother has some major maturity issues. I've seen it for a long time. Mostly I avoid discussing it. If he asks me outright about something where I honestly believe he's in the wrong I will tell him honestly what I think but I say it in as "educational" way as possible. Instead of saying something like "grow up" when he comes home cause he's homesick I tell him I think he would have been more mature to stick it out and learn from the experience. I'm saying the same thing essentially but not in a derogatory way. Mostly I just let LIFE teach him his lessons. Obviously my parents aren't going to do that for their BABY.

*JMHO*

You are both grown men, say what you think and move on.

You are brothers, fuck the 'political correctness'. I always felt like I could say whatever needed to be said to my brother. He will always be my brother. No hard feelings. I'm there for him, he for me.

As for your parents, try this one.....'Only people who care tell you the truth about yourself'.
You care, so you told him what you thought. Take it for what it is worth. Sounds like he hasn't listened to you up til now, why should he be hurt this time?

Weaseling out on pallbearing though....... weak, very weak.

If this guy is a fat, sensitive, anti-social guy...how did he ever get picked to go on some sort of exchange to France? In 2 days, he sends pics of his cat of all things and says he wants to go home...after 2 days. I know people get homesick but 2 days...come on now. He shouldn't have went in the first place. I don't know but he sounds like a mama's boy and he will forever be one.

Let it go and don't worry so much. Do the best you can for yourself and remember to say NO in 10 years when he knocks on your door and asks if he can stay with you for a week...because it could turn out to be for a lot longer. Good luck to you.

Hahaha. How eyeronic!

Destrox summed up my feelings as well.

haha thats pretty hilarious. Talk to your dad about it, chances are he knows his son is a little loser and tell the mother to get bent and buzz out of your business when your talking to your father.

I think probably it's a bit immature to plaster your room with pictures of your cat, but it's nothing to get mad at him for, or be so hostile. If he wants to do such a thing, let him. It's possible that this was motivated by jealousy, and this is somewhat justified, but you should still definitely talk about it to your parents instead of taking it out on him.

I know what you're going through, but I can't give you a fix-it. I have been living the same situation my entire life with my irresponsible sibling and the enabling provided by my parents. I only wish that I could have dealt with it when I was young so as not to have had the constant frustration for so long. Your parents won't listen if you try to talk to them, so let the situation go and make your own life a happy, satisfying one.

I would say cudos to you to try to encourage him to do something over there. Not wasting mummy and daddys money on his OE if he's just going to get home sick :)

I voted "Cat boy has a problem", which answers the poll as far as it goes, but I have a shitload of questions.

• This kid was born when you were 19. How much did you live in the same house with him? How well do you know each other?
• You have the same father, if I read this correctly. What's your relationship with him like? What's your relationship with your dad's woman like? For that matter, what's your relationship with your mother like, and what's her take on all this?
• What did your dad, and whoever he was living with at the time, do for/with you from 19 to your early twenties? Did they send you to college? Did they send you on a trip? Did you continue to live at home? Did you have a job and support yourself while living somewhere else?
• Are you in fact a virgin at 41, or does your alias here relate to something else? How many dates have you had in the last 5 years? A qualitative answer will do, as I don't expect an exact number.
• Note that he had pictures of his cat, not of his parents. Why is this? What's his relationship with his parents like, as you see it?
• Have you ever spoken with your dad about this kid in the past? Have you aired concerns? Have you ignored him? Why did he feel that he should call you when he felt he was having problems? Who does he have, other than his parents, to lean on when he needs to talk? Do you know?
• Who did you have to talk to when you were his age? Who do you have now, where I discount anyone you can't or don't get to in person: on-line is not relevant to this inquiry.
• Why is it that, before I get answers to the above questions, I see two similar people, your half-brother and you? Throwing stones from your glass house is not a good idea.
• I'm sorry if these questions seem rough, but you're judging your half-brother pretty harshly so I figure it's time you considered these questions yourself. You claim, at age 41, that tactlessness is a good thing, after all. How does it feel to be on the receiving end?

I can't speak for your respective mothers, but I think your dad has a lot to answer for. And so do you, yourself. Catboy has a problem, yes, but so do you. What are you doing about it?

i'd say he needs to grow up, needs boot camp not a euro vacation.

European women should be the only pussy in his room.

Hello Denim

Well let me begin by saying I appreciate how much thought you have obviously given my query. Now let me attempt to answer your "shit load" of questions.

1. My father used to rent out the basement of his house, when the last tennants left, I rented it ( same rent as last tennant) with my girlfriend until I was 27, and my brother was 8, I was like the uncle he never had, took him everywhere with me, theme parks, camping, the zoo etc. etc. My girlfriend and I then bought our first house, got married, and had two wonderful kids.

2. Relationship with my Dad, I love him, feel sorry for him the way he has to do what the women in the house dictate ( his wife and my brother's NANNY). His wife I like a lot more since I don't live there. Since I moved out I have not been invited to any of my younger brother and sister's birhdays, but I am expected to invite them to my kids parties.

3. I have been gainfully employed by the same company since I was 20 years old, no my Dad and his wife didn't help me with college , or send me to Europe, but they did help me with a downpayment on my first house.

4. I think I am going to have to change my alias, as Virgin is my actual last name.

5. My brother brags about his anti-social attitude, he dislikes all his aunts and uncles, grandparents and cousins, the cat is clearly a substitute for human contact, the cat is in effect the closest thing he has to a friend or lover .

6. As far as I know when he needs to talk to someone, he complains to his parents or Nanny, who usually fix the problem for him, or literally take him out to an all you can eat Buffet. He is a briight kid but uses a condescending attitude as a defence mechanism to push people away.

7. When I was his age, I had my girlfriend, cousins and a multitude of friends to talk too, and still do, though the girlfriend is now my wife.

8. Coddling him hasn't seemed to work. The real world is tactless and unfair. For years I have tried to get my Dad, to do something about the kid's weight. Allowing a kid to become morbidly obese is truly child abuse. Catboy need's too stand on his own feet. He is literally killing himself, at 22 he has high blood pressure! and has dislocated his knees, stepping up on curbs. He has broken the seat in his car, because of his weight.
They are literally killing him with kindness, he is an adult now, and they no longer have the ability to modify his diet, but they can sure as hell stop, buying the foods that contribute to his likely to be short life.

9. As for me, I have had a 24 year relationship with my wife, two beautiful daughters, I have held the same job for 21 years. I have live in an upper class neighbourhood and have several nice cars. What I am trying to say is that I don't want for much, and other than his youth, I don't envy my brother anything. I am fine with blunt questions, saves a lot of time, quite a few of my friends over the years, have said one of the things they like about me, is that they always know where we stand with each other. Denim , i have done my best to answer your questions and I hope, that you can see, that my motivation for taunting my brother, was to maybe kick start him into having a real life. Wouldn't it be nice if he met a girl, had the experience of having a lover/friend, felt the satisfaction one gets from accomplishing something/anything. He has returned home to his bedroom, last decorated when he was 6 years old, {he won't let anybody redecorate it} Sitting in front of his computer with his cat. He will be dead, by the time he is as old as me, and that truly is a shame.