"It's like you have a vagina growing in your foot"
 

As promised, here is the sad tale of my foot. If your morbid curiosity gets the best of you, take a gander at my foot pix in the Portraits section of this fine site. It's under "Old X-Ray pic" though it is not an X-Ray.

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Whilst wearing fancy, leather dress shoes, I took a step off a loading dock and into a parking lot. This was not an accident. I was merely taking a shortcut out of a client’s plant.

When I landed, I crushed a nerve in my foot. I wasn’t aware of it at the time. The only thoughts in my mind were 1) My foot just exploded
2) My client is still watching me walk away
3) I will try not to curl up in Mr. Client’s parking lot and scream like a little girl.

Fast forward about 6 weeks. My wife was sick of me limping around the house like Quasimoto and demanded that I seek medical attention.

The doctor took a quick look at my foot and diagnosed it as a “Morton’s neuroma.” This must be Latin for “watch me stab you with a giant needle” because that’s exactly what he did. He fucking stuck a fucking needle into my fucking foot RIGHT where it hurt the fucking most. He stuck it through the back of my foot, in between my toe knuckles, and directly into the nerve. He then repeated the process twice more!!

So there I was flopping around on the gurney like a beached carp, and Doctor Pain has the audacity to say, “Come back if that doesn’t help.” News flash, Needle-Boy – it didn’t help.

I saw him again. Then I saw a specialist. Then another specialist. And yet another specialist. All of these people insisted in driving needles full of cortisone through the back of my foot and into my nerve. (Actually, one guy started between my toes and shoved the needle in that way, but the end result was the same.)

So FINALLY, after nearly a year of this acupuncture from Hell, an orthopedist told me that the only way I was going to get relief was to have the nerve cut out of my foot. I suspect this was due to the fact the poor nerve had been penetrated more times than Ricky Martin in a Puerto Rican prison, but I didn’t press the issue.

The surgery was to be minor. The recovery time was to be a couple of days. An incision was made in the top of my foot starting between the toes and going back a couple of inches toward my ankle. The foot bones were spread apart, and Captain Cutlery then cut down to the fat layer just above the skin on the bottom of my foot. He clipped off the offending nerve and probably fed it to the dog.

Two days later, I was sick. Not only did I feel diseased, I had a huge infected mess where my foot used to be. I went to the ER. They told me I had a staph infection. “No,” I cried, “Anything but my staff!”

I got big drugs. I went back to the Orthopedist. And do you know what he did? Do you have any idea what that sadist did? Without warning, without medication, he RE-OPENED THE INCISION. The incision that went nearly all the way through my foot. Ya. THAT incision. Then (I swear I am not making this up) he packed it full of gauze.

And here I thought that the whole needle-in-the-inflamed-nerve-trick was the worst pain ever. Nuh uh. This pain beat that by a country mile. Try this at home kids. Cut a deep hole in your foot and scrape the sides with gauze. Hurts don’t it? Now go tell Mom that your brother did this to you. Fun, huh?!

And so began my odyssey of pain. For about three weeks, I saw the doctor every couple of days. He’d pull the bloody, puss-filled strip of gauze out of my foot-hole and jam in another one. (Did I mention this hurt? Did I? Because it did. It goddamn hurt.)

After a while, I think the doc just got tired of looking at me. He handed me a pair of tweezers and a jar of sterile gauze, and told me repack my own festering foot-hole at home…twice a day.

And so I did. Every morning and every evening I pulled out a nasty length of gauze from my foot. Then I push in a fresh one. It was like that game “Operation.” Remember the one? You’d take out the funny-bone. But if you bumped the sides of the “patient,” his nose would light up. It did the same thing, except I also swore a lot. A couple of times, I even managed to puke too. Fun for the whole family!

Self-treatment was a learning experience. I learned that I can hurt myself bad enough to actually puke. I learned that bones are actually kind of slippery. And most important of all, I learned to never ever ever, no matter what, let isopropyl touch exposed nerves.

Oh ya, then there was the duct tape thing – I couldn’t get the hole wet. So if I wanted to shower, I either taped a plastic bag around my foot, or just wrapped the whole thing in duct tape. That stuff works for EVERYTHING.

I’m better now. The duct-taping and gauze-packing only lasted a couple of months. As long as I wear comfy shoes, and don’t let anything poke my foot in that “special place” I’m just fine.

woah.... dude.. seriously. it's like you have a vagina growing in your foot.

but i cannot imagine the levels of pain...

That is one of the worst stories I've ever heard told so well. I was captivated the entire time. I wish you the very best. *grimace*

oh wow, that's nasty. how did you work and put on shoes with a huge hole in your foot?

could you see the bone and stuff when you were doing all the stuff yourself? i'd tell the doc there's no way in hell i'm touching that thing if i am working around my exposed bone, muscles, and nerves. i'm surprised you have your foot, heh.

It's been a while since I've read a story that actually made me hurt.

...I feel like a pansy because I thought having ingrown toenail surgery hurt.

Holy fuck!

I rarely, if ever, post here - sorry, but I enjoy lurking - but that story just...

Holy shit! You should put a warning at the top for the faint of heart. Seriously. Holy......ow!!

Can you sue the docs for something like that? Seriously, was it thier fault in the first place for pumping a bunch of drugs into it with a needle? That is just horrible, but I'm sure you've heard all that and hopefully it isn't hurting to bad for me to tell you I also think that looked cool as all hell. I sliced part of my hand with some broken glass once and thought that was deep.... comes no where near as good as your foot man. Hopefully you will be able to walk again without worrying about the foot.

Ok..As I read the story, I continually wince at the pain you must have suffered, and at the same time, laugh--laugh so damn hard because YOU told it so damn well. Another great story from Mr. Clavus! You should tell stories more often. :D

Ok...my morbid curiosity got the best of me, I checked the pic right after I read the story, and I wish I hadn't...that looks painful!! :|

Yes, once I started reading I couldn't stop despite knowing it wasn't getting better. I am glad you have healed.

I laughed (Not my staff!), I cried (isopropyl on exposed nerves)... I enjoyed another great Clavus Adventure.

Thanks :)

Wow, I probably would have killed myself before I did the whole gauss thing. Sorry man.

o m f g...... i saw those pictures...... o m f g...............

You got me cringing in my seat. umm.. GAH!!! that about sums it :) Glad you're better

I looked.... I stared at those pictures for a little while. I then stopped, proclaiming out loud, "That's just gross."

Dude.. I can't imagine how bad that'd feel..... Fucking ouch!

Thanks for sharing.. even though I was cringing the whole time I was smiling at the humour.

If you can't duct it, fuck it!.. That damn tape works for everything.

I wish I had access to Tilted Portraits so I could be grossed out by the visuals that go with the story you told so well. It's a rare talent to take something so abominable and make it so enjoyable. Thanks for sharing, clavus.

My tumbly did the bad rumbly...


Captivating story as usual, clavus. I tried to quit reading. I couldn't.

Can we put this on the front page?

nnnnggggggggg. Clavus' Home Surgery: not safe for lunch-time reading.

Very funny story. Could've easily been a "Awwww you poor man" story that results in pity, but no! You are Clavus, you turn it into a great story to make your friends laugh, entertain forum goers, and confuse kids as to why it is supposed be entertaining!

That made me cringe. You are a master story teller.

I'm just glad that your staff is ok.

Word. (can a 42 year old guy say that?)

You need to collect all of your tales, and publish them. Your writing style is funnier than Dave Barry.

Sorry about your foot man. Damn that had to suck. But you tell it so...funny.

You can say word if you're being ironic and not serious ;)

And I agree, I'd buy a book full of your stuff, and I'm sure many others here would as well.

Damn. Ouch.
Um, tough break on that one...

Holy Fucking Mother of God that must have sucked. I remember when my brother had a polonidal sist at the base of his spine that my parents had to pack and unpack like that (after they removed the sist it left a large hole). great story though man

Wow, I saw those pictures in the x-ray thread a few days ago and that's the first thing I thought, "how'd that vagina get into that guys foot?"

Shit, reading that story was truely entertaining. Right up there with your locked out story, except this one made me throw-up a little in my mouth there. ;)

I looked at the pics and i wish i hadn't. Thats just gross, I can't imagine to poke around in my own foot

Thank you, everybody. I'd love to write a book, but I'd probably kill myself before I could fill the pages with enough stories of pain and embarassment.

One day I'll tell y'all about the time I poisoned myself. It is actulally more disgusting than the whole foot-hole thing.

I feel for you. I wish I didn't, but I really do feel your pain - that story makes me laugh and cringe at once, and I hope your foot vagina from hell does not develop tentacles and start molesting schoolgirls.

I will step lightly and carefully on my way home today, avoiding any significant changes in elevation, and using the handicapped ramp instead of stairs when possible...

Sounds like fun! Where do I sign up!

Okay... that made me puke a little in my mouth... gonna go spit it out now....

Wow, that is nasty. I would have to be very, very drunk to be able to preform something like that on myself. But, you are fucking hysterical man. Excellent story teller.

ouch man... as soon as i get home to my fast connection im gonna go check out the pictures...

Clavus, you are the best story teller I know. Well, I don't really know you. But I do enjoy your stories.

Clavus- I agree with everyone about you considering writing for a career. I love your stories, but more importantly, how you tell your stories!

Oh-you know, some people who write actually make shit up about their experiences, or that of their characters. You really don't have to live everything to write about it!

*ending sarcasm-while handing you a pencil!*

I can't seem to find the post with your pictures.

Insane story though, you're one tough mother.

-T

I'm sorry, but that is the most disgusting yet hilarious thing I've ever heard.

Bahahahahhahahahaha.

your story reminded me of when i had to take 12 shots to my hand from a dog bite. those doctors sure know how to stick you in the most painful places.

I'm reminded of the last medical story posted here by clavus about the "snipping." I must say, clavus, you are story-teller extrodinare. Absolutely hilarious and discusting at the same time. I love it. :)