Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions
 

Who remembers this old gag in MAD Magazine? Well, let's start one.

You may either post a good snappy answer to someone else's stupid question, or you may post your own stupid question to see how clever the rest of us might be.

Here's a stupid question that happened to my wife and me tonight. We pulled into the parking lot of a restaurant at about 9:55PM and approached the front door. We were obviously being watched the whole time by another car that pulled in right after us. As we reached the front door, I pulled the right side and then the left, only to discover that both doors were locked.

The other car pulled up next to us as we turned to walk away, and the driver called out, "Are they closed?"

What should we have said? Give me some good snappy answers.

No, they just lock the doors to attract more customers.

No, I'm just too damn weak to open these heavy doors.

Is who closed?

No, I just saw a sign that said "todays special rat feces soup", and i'm not really in the mood for it today.

I dont know, why dont you check for me?

Oh, I'm not here to eat. I'm a professional doorknob tester, and these ones flunked!

don't waste words on em:

*pitying look, exchange glance with wife, shake head sadly, walk away*

OR

*stare at them until they become uncomfortable, turn on heel, walk away*

haha
I love amd magazine, what about "stinging comebacks"
i remember one
i lady is holding a mans package which he is going to deliver somewhere, on the package it says "fragile" in bold letters
the lady says "is that fragile?"
the man says "no it just says fragile on it for fun"
the lady says "oh alrite", as she drops it and it smashes on the floor

haha well... it was funny at the time, when i read it

I had a good one yesterday. I was over at my friend's house for the 4th and later in the evening my friend's father came outside with a bunch of bottle rockets, (Fireworks are illegal in my state and I guess they had had them for a while).
Friend - "Where did you get those?"
Friend's Father - "In the garage."
Friend - "They were just sitting there?"
Me - "No they were running around playing football actually."

Funnily enough, I probably would have asked the same stupid question....

My snappy answer would be:
"No, they're open 24 hours from 10:00am to 9:30pm", then just walk away leaving them wondering whether what I just said made sense or not :D

Sometimes when I'm talking to someone, they'll say "Who? Me?" And I'll say, "No, that guy in the Bigfoot costume sneaking up behind you." :p

"Are they closed?"

Nah, the handle's too fragile. I'm afraid I'll break it off if I use all my strength.

I know this is gonna sound annoying, but whenever someone asks me a really stupid quesion I usually respond with a complete non sequitor, whatever happens to be on my mind at the moment.

Guy in car: "Are they closed?"
Me: "After Hogan's Heroes was cancelled, Bob Crane was killed in his sleep by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex with prostitutes." (walk away without explanation)

Good answer, fernweh. :D

No. It's not that.
I sensed a great disturbance in the Force. My Immodium A.D. hasn't kicked in yet.

Family guy!
Walk up and punch the guy in the face.

I got one for ya'll...

A couple days ago, I was talking to this ditzy girl over the phone. We were about 15 minutes into the conversation when she interrupted me and asks "something smells, did you just farted?"
I said no at the time and told her I gotta go do something so I left for a while...to laugh...oh-so-hard. :lol:
What should I have said?

No my colostomy bag is full

my all time fave has to be.

q. What's up?
a. A two letter word indicating an increase.

another good answer to it is "last time i checked the ceiling"

I always like when one comes in from the rain and someone asks,"Is it raining outside?"or coming in from the cold shivering and someone asks, "Is it cold outside?"

my personal favorite snappy answer to stupid question (it's by the guy who does the "here's your sign" standup, can't remember his name)

a guy is breaking into a car with a coathanger in a parking lot
another guy walks up and says "did you lock your keys in your car?"
the first guy goes "no, i just washed it and i'm hanging it out to dry"

Are you going bald?
No, my hair is scared of my nose.

Did you get a haircut?
No, my head grew.

AH! I had another one of these moments just the other night...

(Me and Corinna are in Kitchen, making dinner. I'm standing over the stove)

Me: (Accidentally touches side of pan ) AAAARRGH FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK HOTHOTHOT (Runs to sink ) JEEEEESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!! (Puts hand under running water ) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.................

Corinna: "Is it hot?"


.... I was a little too nonplussed to think of a clever retort :rolleyes: lol

"Is it hot?"
"no, i must have dragged my feet on the carpet and it shocked me. Will you do me a favor and give the pan a high five, for me?"

oh, i got one... I was out with a friend one night, I was driving and when we came over a hill there was a deer standing right in my lane. Without slamming on the brakes, I just swerved into the other lane and kept going. My friend, freaking out, "was that a deer!?" My response, "Wait, what happened? I fell asleep..."

"Are they closed?"

ah nah.... [/sarcasm]
it's your brain that's closed, buddy. put an out of business sign on that thing already.


the dumbest question ever: "Guess what?"

um... i give... @#*$%-ing <b>what?!</b>
<small>jeebus</small>

The best answer to all these questions is "go fuck yourself."

Them: Are they closed?
You: Go fuck yourself.

Them: Is it raining out?
You: Go fuck yourself.

Try it! It really works.

Teh one that I cant stand is, when yawning, "Are you tired?"

No. I have a bird in my mouth and I am tring to let it out!

Kinda off topic but still keeping with the theme of good answers to stupid/annoying questions. A buddy (Primal) and I were checking out at Best Buy, they were doing some magazine promotion and the cashier ask him if he wanted to buy a subscription. Without hesitation he says "No, I can't read". The cashier just looks at him in shock, then sees me about to completely loose it and half smirks still not knowing if he should laugh or not. It was brilliant.

I always get a kick out of customers who try to open our doors. We have sliding doors, on a sensor. If the doors don't open, its a fair bet we haven't opened the store yet(we leave them unlocked for the other employees to walk in, so we don't keep running to the front doors to lock and unlock them each time.) I remember one guy, looked at the POSTED HOURS ON THE DOOR, then opened both sliding doors, saw all the employees in a circle(about 20), having a meeting. Also, there was no other customers in the store, and no one in the parking lot.

"Are you guys open? The hours say you open at 10am, but the doors are unlocked (not opening) and I saw you guys in here."
me - "Is it 10am?"
him - "No."
me - *blank stare*
him - ".....oh. *hangs head in shame, walk away*

This past weekend, I was digging a very large (3' diameter trunk) stump out of my front yard. One of the neighborhood kids, who we really don't care for, kept riding his bike by and asking us questions and making comments.
Finally one time when we were still digging on it, he rode by and asked, "Any luck yet!?"

I replied, "Yeah, we got it dug up, pulled out, and then decided that we liked it there in the first place, so we're reburying it!"

He stopped, looked at me with a completely dumbfounded look, :hmm: and then rode off. My wife and son almosted filled their pants they laughed so hard after he had gone down the road.:lol:

He didn't say a word to us the rest of the day.

Are they closed?

No, I just saw you coming and decided to dine elswhere.

On occasion, late at night, a restaurant will lock one entrance but leave another one open, to simplify security or because they want to close down one part of the restaurant and funnel everyone to the other part. Since I have the kind of mind that wants to be absolutely sure about things, I might have asked that "stupid" question, too, under certain conditions, just to make sure. Why is everybody so eager to score points at somebody else's expense?