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06-10-2004 10:35 PM |
Wanking Your Way To Weight Loss
LINKY!!!!
Crazy Japanese.. heh.
Quote:
Wanking your way to weight loss
By Masuo Kamiyama
Contributing Writer
June 7, 2004
My gosh, nearly six months have gone by since the year-end party season, but you haven't done anything to trim off those excess pounds. As a result, your belt is running out of notches and your bottom is starting to sag over the edge of chairs at the restaurants where you stuff your face.
It's time, Dr. Hideo Yamanaka tells Weekly Playboy (June 15), for guys to start doing something about it. Yamanaka, director of the Toranomon-Hibiya Clinic, offers a weight reduction that he's convinced guarantees results.
Follow his "masturbation diet" regimen, and you'll soon be able to squeeze back into those hip-hugging jeans and impressing the gals with your svelte figure.
"Ejaculation raises the basic metabolism of muscles and consumes calories," the doctor says. "With fewer calories, subcutaneous fat is consumed, and making it easier to trim down.
"But," the doctor goes on, "there's no point in ordinary activity. An ordinary young person would have to do it 100 more times a month for it to have any effect."
Gosh, says Weekly Playboy. That's three times a day he's talking about.
"Actully more like four or five, if you're really serious," remarks Yamauchi. "For each 2 kilos of body weight, you'd need to squeeze out 2 liters of semen."
Gomesu Yamada, a journalist covering the pink trade, wags his head in agreement.
"It's hard enough just to spurt so often, but to get the full benefits of aerobic exercise, it's necessary for the process to be maintained for at least 15 minutes before ejaculation occurs. We have named this activity 'Onani-bics.' "
"Onani" a common Japanese term for masturbation refers to Onan, the Biblical figure who was destroyed for "spilling his seed on the ground."
Gomesu claims he has knowledge of people who have actually managed to slim down through a regular regimen of Onanibics.
"Guys who made their motto, 'At least one good tug a day' have managed to lose as much as 4 kilograms in a week," he grins.
Rather than indulge in boring generalizations, Weekly Playboy then lists the average pulse rates and calories consumed while combining masturbation with various forms of exercise. "Abdominal muscle onanism" (sit-ups), for example, if performed for 15 minutes, will consume 61 kilocalories; "back strength onanism" (reverse sit ups), just 22 kilocalories; push-ups, 95 kilocalories; deep knee squats, 89 kilocalories; pole climbing, 72 kilocalories; and so-called "Ona-hole jogging" (an activity obviously not for beginners), 204 kilocalories.
A tubby 55-year-old writer named Koyamamyama, who tips the scales at 100 kilograms, had an even better idea. Deciding he might as well have some fun in the process, he headed for red-light districts around he capital. First he dropped in at a porno video parlor in Shinjuku, where DVDs (and hand play) can be enjoyed in private viewing rooms (cost: 1,300 yen). His next stop was a peep show, where, again in a private cubicle, he could watch a young nude girl feign her own efforts at, er, weight reduction (admission: 2,000 yen). This was followed by a visit to an "image club," where the climax of the session included a climax (5,000 yen). After several other workout sessions in Ikebukuro and Ueno, he ended his session at a "roshutsu kurabu" (exposure club) in Shibuya, where, for a layout of 15,000 yen, a young lady joined him in a private cubicle, disrobed, and energetically masturbated herself to orgasm --- while he did the same.
These efforts during a total of four hours of sexual activities came to 43,800 yen, consumption tax included. Did they help? Slightly. Koyamamyama's weight declined from 104.2 kilograms to 102.6. His muscle-to-fat ratio improved from 31.2 percent to 31.8; and his overall body fat ratio fell 0.8 percent.
Well then, guys, how about it, exhorts Weekly Playboy. If you want to get in shape for this summer, then let's give it a good tug! Make that several tugs!
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I'm sorry, but reading this just made me laugh pretty damn hard. If you're so serious about losing weight.... go work out.. if you're serious about watching pornos..watch pornos. Do both... whatever... but suggesting to wank more to lose weight is just damn funny. I'm not about to try it, but if any of you are up to it.. Let Us Know! ;)
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