QTPie,

I had a little difficulty following your suggestion, but it seems to fall into the B & C category. Neither my wife nor myself have living parents anymore, so that's not an option. My brother-in-law's wife's family lives in another state, so that won't work either.

Sorry.

panbert,

This might work for normal humans, but he's a mutant and your solution is probably too logical. It needs a twist.

Not a winner, but thanks.

Sexymama,
EXCELLENT! You're also tied for first place with this golden idea. I love it.

And yes, I will let you know which one we choose. My guess is that we will probably settle on a hybrid mix of the best ideas from our own heads plus the winners from this contest.

He's my wife's brother, yes. But since he was born without the self-respect gene, he views mooching as an entitlement. And you're right, he will always agree to every repayment notion, house rule, or whatever without ever having any intention to honor them.

iccky,

Although these ideas are terrific, they won't work for our situation (which contains information you could not possibly have known about prior to the Contest). Our families know that my wife and I are about to begin building a new home soon, so we would never begin home-improvement projects at this point in the current home. Plus, her other brother (the responsible brother) is going to buy our current home when we get ready to sell, so any fix-ups will be his idea.

Sorry, but great idea actually.

Again, everyone make sure you read the rules of the Contest; especially the Corleone Clause.

B & C and generally unwise.

guthmund,

Okay, here's the thing: My brother-in-law and his elephantic wife are the ones who will probably walk around naked with body parts stuck into the food containers. They actually might feel warmed and welcomed if we told them this.

My God, you're right. I would, too. And you even left two cats out of the full cast listing.

I'm glad you like my idea. We could make a lot of money out of it.

Here is my try.

No, you have too many dogs, are filthy people while we are neat, and a child that would not work well with the animals we have. We will not live in a zoo, so therefore you will stay elsewhere.

Finish the house sale, then, and make it Somebody Else's Problem.

An old episode of the Flintstones come to mind where Fred & Wilma get new neighbors "The Rottens" (I think that was they're name). Fred and the gang scared them off by playing "Bug Music" (The Beatles", but I don't think they could call them that without paying for the name)

I know you're a big Beatles fan, so just tell them you play Beatles 24/7.



If that doesn't work, tell them you sacrifice goats on the weekends with your new-found cult friends.

Put up a police line, complete with "DO NOT CROSS" tape around your place. Then tell them you're not allowed to let them in.

Put a tent over the house. Tell them its being fumigated for pest.

GoT,
The first part of your suggestion is already being considered. However, the threat of me playing my Beatles stuff non-stop could only really be used as a "make your life a living hell" tactic, which of course could only be employed AFTER they move in. My wife and I are already planning our second wave of attacks under this category, and this may be our best strategy. The best plan might be for us to offer minimum resistance on the initial invasion of our home, and then throwing our full arsenal at them afterwards and driving them out by sheer torture.

As for the second part of your suggestion; if I told my brother-in-law that we sacrifice goats on the weekends, he would more than likely reply that when HE was in the local pagan chapter, the sacrifices were done on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

P.S. - the major downside to the Beatles Torture idea is that they would likely retaliate with Liz Phair Torture, which would make them winners by absolute default.

TFPers,

My wife and I are truly appreciative of all of these ideas, and thanks to you wonderful people, we may have come up with a solid plan. So allow me to amend the Contest slightly...

Obviously, the best thing for us would be for them to not move in with us at all. However, short of that, the NEXT best thing would be for them to decide ON THEIR OWN to not move in. And that's where this contest comes in. We're looking for ways to prevent them from moving in without us having to say, "You can't move in." And some of your suggestions have been nothing short of brilliant in this regard.

However, we must be prepared to accept a small defeat and face the possibility that they might move in anyway. In that case, we now have a PART TWO to this Contest, which is as follows:

If they move in, what could we do to drive them out ON THEIR OWN?

We still need suggestions for both parts of this Contest, so don't let your creativity get lazy....

Part Two:

Put them into the smallest room you have, you know closet or small bedroom. Tell them that they MUST stay in this room only, and none of their stuff, animals, children, are allowed to wander from this area, unless eating or shitting.
Next inform them that ANYTHING outside of this designated area will be thrown away(exept maybe the kid) and forfeit to the gods of tidyness. Should they feel these rules are too harsh, simply remind them they were not invited, and if you are kind enough to put them up, uninvited, they really have no choice.
Next on the agenda.....food.
All foodstuffs in the fridge are offlimits, and there should be enough room under the bed, next to the baby crib, or beneath the dirty clothes for a cheap apt. sized fridge in the dinky little room they have stolen from you.
Animals.
If at ANY time there are fecal remnants, or the aroma of such, inside or outside the miniature paradise they have decided to inhabit UNINVITED, It and the offending member of the family, human or not, will be removed from existance, or at least the house.
Attitude.
Any grief will be dealt with by the ruling authority,YOU. All control of the household is in the realm of the homeowner, and subject to such arbitrary rules as your mood deems fit to subject them to.
Should they piss you off, in any way, they are to remember that they have no home, and are warm and dry due to the fundementally kind nature of the current "GOD", who has the power to banish them all to the hell of the streets.

Finally, inform them that should you grow tired of them, they will be cast aside, much like the diapers of the spawn of thier loins.

Ohhhh, I just came up with another devious plan.

Tell them they can move in if they want to, but you have already rented one of your spare bedrooms to the nice Jehovah's Witness couple who just came into town.

Walk around naked. All the time. Act shocked when they mention it.

Except they might want to join in. Nevermind that then.

hey, if you want to put me up for a week or two after they move, i can be more than obnoxious to make them move out. say i'm an old college buddy/buddies kid, whatever.

walk around in these http://shomertec.com/products/the_brief_safe.jpg or something like it the next time they come over.

http://shomertec.com/item.cfm?Action...&variable=1164

$9 bucks just may save you some headaches :)

Allow them to move in to the garage and ONLY the garage. Be accommodating: Set up cots, get them a microwave, run a garden hose into the garage, rent a porta-pot... Hint that you might, occasionally, invite them in for a meal (“how about every other Tuesday?”). Assuming you have a door from the garage to the back yard, switch the lock so it’s on the other side, effectively locking them out of the back yard.

If they move in, keep a garage-door remote hidden and occasionally open it in the middle of the night.

What?!?!
Am I missing something, here?
Let's see...$1500.00 per year divided by 12 months comes to $125.00 per month for room and board. I pay that in groceries alone! Where do you live, warrrreagl? I'm bringing my family and we're movin' in! At least we're clean. ;)

i'm surprised nobody has mentioned ghosts. you could always say the house is haunted. There was a murder or two there before you moved in. You don't like to go in the room that the murder happened but it's the room they'll be staying in. if they move in you could do things to freak them out and make them think it is really haunted.

i say the best way is to exploit their fears. you mentioned he doesn't like big cats. definately get one of those...or at least rent one, then later you can say it ran away.

ah tecoyah, on the trail again!

here's my variant of this (which could actually prevent scenario 2):

time for a visit at all the flea markets/thrift shops, etc.

Buy as much junk as you can! I mean, FILL the house! Just leave enough room for you and yours to walk around. Do it right and you might be able to get enough junk for under a grand. Then, when the coast is clear, donate it back at the end of tax year.

PART 2:Stop picking up after yourselves, burn food constantly, loud sex, late obnoxious hours... and act like it's nothing out of the ordinary :)

well i read about 5 post, i dont feel like reading the thread of its entirety because im a busy man... here is what i would say... "look i am sorry you are having troubles but we have no room for you. we are two people who are very set in the way things are in our house. we do not appreciate you trying to barge in and will not tolerate it. if you want to stay with us you will pay 400$ a month rent and you will get rid of your animals... this is non-negotiable..."

if you want a lie... simply say "im sorry but we are in the middle of a move and you would just be in the way."... or... "my wife and i are having marital problems and our relationship can not withstand the trama of house guest."

my great grandmother was going to move in with us.... so we are building an apartment for her.... speaking of that. i got to get back to work.

Roaches. This should work if he shows up, or as a deterrent.

Step 1) Call your brother up and ask him if they know any good roach places. Emphasize just how bad the infestation is. Beg and plead with him to recommend a good roach killer.

Step 2) If they're inside, start having roaches appear. Just drop them on the ground, have them scurry a bit, and step on them. Make sure your family starts carrying cans of Raid with them, "just in case."

Step 3) Get the Orkin Man involved. Call him over, and tell him that you need to make the house look like it's absolutely infested. I'm sure he'll find some ways. If your relatives moved in, make sure he's as loud about how bad the infestation is as possible.

Step 4) The incident. Pick a closet that's closed off except for one entrance, preferably in a non-carpeted area. A cleaning supply closet in a hallway would be best (your goal here is to have a small area with only one entrance, you'll understand after reading on). Next, find some roaches at a pet store. Big roaches. Fill up a giant glass jar with them, seal the top, and put the jar inside the closet. Set it up so that it'll fall after a few minutes. Have some cans of Raid nearby.

Make sure your brother (and wife) is nearby when the glass jar shatters on the floor, spilling the roaches out. They should stream out the door.

Start spraying, make sure you get all of them. The site of all those roaches streaming out of the closet should be enough to freak anyone out.

Couple things. Roaches are actually pretty clean, so don't worry about them spreading disease and whatnot. They also don't bite, or cause much harm. Just make sure you kill all of them (hence the non-carpeted floor and small closet with one entrance) so you don't get a real infestation on your hand.

Hope that works!

Tell them you are swingers. That you frequently have orgies in the house and do not want a child to interfer with your lifestyle. Also make sure they realize they will have to find other accomodations on the nights you have parties - that is unless they are willing to share themselves. (If you are sure they would not take you up on this, that is)

Also make up a contract. Get it typed up and in detail. They will have to pay rent monthly, use the going rate for 2 bedroom apts since they have a child, also add on a home insurance charge since your insurance will go up (supposedly ;) ), and put in there a detailed list of rules for the renters to abide by including no trespassing on certain areas of the house, no use of the laundry facilities, garage, phone and any other bathroom than those designated and no pets allowed as the addition to those you already have would be too great a load on the house. Also add on a hefty deposit. Make is as painful as possible. Then tell them if they want to move in you are happy to accomodate but that your finances and housing (electric and gas bill included)cannot handle the extra strain that another family would put on it without extra maintanence and repairs. Make sure that they know they will have to pay the first month's rent and deposit up front as they would in any apt. That should be enough to deter them.

Then you aren't telling them no outright but you can make it too painful for them
to do.

I think you are going about this all wrong. You have to let them know how you are really looking forward to them moving in. After all, this is a great opportunity for you to make some headway in life. When that many people and animals come under one roof however, there can be a lot of stress. Since your relationship is so important, you need so set up some very clear guidelines so that there will be no hard feelings.

1) Clearly define expectations with regards to housekeeping. With so many people under one roof, it is critical that things are kept ship shape and your "roomates" need to know going in what is expected of them daily and weekly.

2) This will be a financial burden. They need to know they will need to buy food and cover utilities including phone, cable, and internet service. They WILL also have to cover some of your house payments as rent to cover your loss of use. Clearly define what they will have to pay you before they move in. Also let them know if you expect this weekly or monthly.

3) Make sure they know about restrictions on the use of the house. Do you deal with shift work or have other sleep issues they will have to be considerate of? Do you entertain or will they be allowed to entertain. When I had a house guest for 6 months I screamed at the morons that would call him at midnight.....after I had been on call for several nights in a row and had to get up in 4 or 5 hours. He spread the word to his friends that calling after 9 was simply not acceptable.

Once you have had an adult discussion touching on all these issues, you can look forward to having some help around the house and a little cash to put towards retirement and build your relationship with your family.

i couldn't have said it better myself, even though i posted my true feelings earlier...

If it's Your home, I got one word for you: RENT.

Tell them that they will have to pay RENT because it's only fair. Then tell them the amount which will be far more than they would ever have to pay to rent a large apartment or rental home near where their property is. Got it? Hang Tough! I've had too many "room mates" before during and after my marriage and ownership of 2 large two homes - I know this one works!

If I read it correctly, rent tactics won't work because the BIL will agree and welch.

then they're going to have a shitload of drama trying to get them out when no one pays the agreed upon price.

This was really sweet. Seriously.

::::CONTEST IS OVER::::

Here's the conclusion, folks.

My wife talked to her brother last night on the phone, and here's what she told him.
They are welcome to stay with us anytime as long as they understand all of the following:
1) The house is not baby-proof (and is actually kind of dangerous for a crawling infant) and we will not change anything.
2) Their dogs and cats cannot come; they must be boarded or put somewhere else. Our furniture, rugs, belongings are too valuable to be ruined by pets, and we have carefully raised our pets the way we want them to behave.
3) Being a musician, I practice piano and play music at all kinds of odd hours. Additionally, when I am working at home, there can be no outside noises or distractions (baby cries, TV, stereo, etc.).
4) They may only stay two weeks because:
A) Zoning laws will not permit multi-family dwellings in our neighborhood
B) We would lose single-family status on our home-owners policy
C) We are adopting a Canadian Lynx next month and it is crucial that they only bond with their primary family unit as kittens (which is her, me, two poodles, and two cats)
D) Based on our calculations, all of the "work" he wants to do on his property should only take two weeks. After that, he'll have to do the work while living in the property.
E) We have plans to entertain some of my co-workers next month, and they must be gone by then.

After hearing my wife's manifesto, my brother-in-law confessed that it might not be such a good idea, and he'll think of something else.

Based on my calculations, the Prize of Pride should be shared between all of the following TFPers:
Hanxter
MrSelfDestruct
JStrider
Tecoyah
Redjake
God of Thunder

And the Prize for the Biggest Fucking Laugh
Cynthetiq

Beauty! It worked!! :D

w00t

im glad it worked out for yall...

and yall are adopting a canadian lynx! bad ass! thats way cool... your definently gonna have to post pics and tell us all about that!

Glad we could help dude.

Good for you man!

TFP to the rescue!!!

*Salutes as prize winners fly off to secret fortress in tight spandex*

/yes I'm stoned

Umm.. is 'C' true?