Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > Chatter > General Discussion


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 11-04-2004, 12:43 PM   #81 (permalink)
Tilted
 
TNJ4555's Avatar
 
Location: Jersey
Sounds like a "W" voter
TNJ4555 is offline  
Old 11-04-2004, 02:00 PM   #82 (permalink)
"Without the fuzz"
 
KinkyKiwi's Avatar
 
Location: ..too close for comfort..
hahaha made me smile....
__________________
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.
KinkyKiwi is offline  
Old 11-05-2004, 09:52 AM   #83 (permalink)
Fuckin' A
 
tspikes51's Avatar
 
Location: Lex Vegas
That was hilarious... good work.
__________________
"I'm telling you, we need to get rid of a few people or a million."
-Maddox
tspikes51 is offline  
Old 11-05-2004, 12:33 PM   #84 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Heart o' Texas
very very funny. well written. thanks for the laugh
__________________
Bill

Ctrl-Alt-Del - works for me!
bill96ab is offline  
Old 11-05-2004, 01:17 PM   #85 (permalink)
Smithers, release the hounds
 
ironman's Avatar
 
Location: Guatemala, Guatemala
LOL!
for a moment i found myself looking for this article that says masturbation is good for you...
__________________
If I agreed with you weŽd both be wrong
ironman is offline  
Old 11-22-2009, 11:22 AM   #86 (permalink)
Upright
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by codpiece View Post
A few weeks ago, I was a much happier, if not naiive mother of a wonderful teenage boy. But all that changed in the blinking of an eye when I discovered the worst horror a mother could ever discover. My son is a masturbator.

For the past couple of months I'd been noticing strange behavior. Normally when he is around the house he is a pretty intense nervous guy. But lately he has seemed so non-chalant, and has shown a very relaxed, laid-back approach to life. Then I started noticing strange changes around the house. Everytime he stayed up late, the same three things happened the next morning. The TV was always left on the same channel, and always at a low volume. Low enough that you'd have to be sitting close to hear the voice, or music. The internet history and windows documents list is always wiped clean, and the monthly toilet paper bill has nearly tripled in size in the last three months.

I knew something wasn't right. So one night, I decided to sneak downstairs while he was staying up late. I crept into the computer and TV area when I heard him walk out of the room. I entered, and Sodom and Gomorrah immediately started pointing and laughing at me. The reason he was up late, is because he was on a late night pornography binge! The lustful faces of the sinsister Jezebells stared at me from all corners of the room. I had failed as a mother!!!

Presently my son, Conner (not his real name), walked back into the room with a dirty old sock in his hand. He tried to hide it, but I was too angry to let him do any such a thing. I beat him to within an inch of his life, and then sent him to stand outside while he thought about what he had done. I couldn't prove it, but I knew within my heart of hearts that he was pleasuring himself in an immoral fashion.

In a way, I almost don't blame him. Masturbation is glorified to such a ridiculous extent in the media, it is a wonder not everyone is masturbating. Such a world would be a terrible place. It is for this reason, I have embarked on a, "Mothers Against Masturbation", campaign.

First, let me start off with the obvious. Why is masturbation wrong?

I liken mastubation unto a train. A train which gradually grows faster and more deadly by the hour. The fuel for this train? None other than pornography. Pornography often seems innocent and unharmful, but do not be decieved by the lustful seeds of the devil. Masturbation is badbecause it changes our perception of women. As the pornography addict gets further into his cycle he needs a bigger hit of more stimulating, more "hardcore" pornography, to whet his sexual appetite. This increased sexual appetite cannot help but carry over to all other areas of his life. A common scenario goes something like this:

Boy is a straight A+ student.
Boy discovers pornography.
Boy starts using degrading words such as, bitch, ho, and slut.
Boy starts dowloading large amounts of hardcore pornography from the internet.
Boy starts to abuse women.
Boy writes about masturbation on the internet.
Boy rapes his own mother.

Such a scenario may seem outrageous, but rest assured, this is not only common, this is considered socially acceptable everywhere outside of The United States. Not only that, masturbation was behind the fall of the Roman Empire. You think the barbarians are at the gate? They are already riding in your busses, going to your schools, and eating in your restaurants. Make no mistake, the barbarians are no longer outside. They are your own children, living in your homes!!!

Time Magazine reports that, " Every person that has ever killed another human being has masturbated at some point in their life usually within days of the crime". If that isn't enough to send a shiver through your entire body, I don't know what is.

I looked in my son's dresser drawer, and there was direct evidence of this cycle. Starting from the bottom of the nude woman magazine pile, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, FHM, Stuff, Maxim, GQ, Playboy, Penthouse, Clit Collector, Pesitlence Pussy Pleasers, and finally, on top of the pile, Morbid Underage Gangbangs, featuring none other than Hillary Duff. The ones at the bottom of the pile were the old ones, not needed anymore, put away to make room for a growing sexual appetite.

I knew I had to take action. Knowing it was now, in his time of despair he was a ticking time bomb, just laying in wait, wanting to express his anger in a phyical way. I followed him to the mall. He looked at a few girls, trying to look all nonchalant. I knew out of instinct he was fantasizing about them. Then, not at all surprisingly he told me he had to use the washroom. At first I let him go, then I realized what his real scheme was. I took his wallet, and made him empty the change from his pockets. I know they sell condoms in washrooms. I for one do not want to risk him having tools of sexual immorality.I must disarm him by all means necessary and possible.

We went home and he thought he was being so smart. While we were out, I had looking panels installed in the bathroom doors, and i mixed sand in the hand lotion so that he cannot use it to pleasure himself with. I have also placed him on a strict, no choclate diet. I think I know better than anyone that chochlate stimulates sexual thoughts within the body. I would not have his body controlled by sexy robots!

He is currently sleeping in my room, with chains on of course. I won't have him thrusting himself upon me when nature calls. In case he has managed to perfect the art of silence, I prefer to place a layer of styrophome padding under his bed sheet so that i can hear any sudden and intent movements during the night. Any time he is out of my sight for more than 30 seconds (30 seconds is all it takes folks), I take his temperature, twice. First is the thermometer in the mouth. Often during and after masturbation, the heart rate increases and the body temperature can keep a body warm for hours. I also employ the use of a rectal thermometer that measures the pressure of the prostate gland to determine if it is well stocked. That one is inescapable, and he seems to enjoy it too.

How can I know if my child is masturbating, and what can I do to stop it?

The most simple way is to carefully smell his unwashed boxer shorts. If necessary, don't be afraid to taste it. Don't shake your head in disgust, after all, we are all mothers, and we've obviously tasted it on more than just a few occasions.

An excellent way to discourage him. Don't let him listen to rap music. It's slow, steady rhythms are bound to remind him of slow, steady sex, or masturbation. It is also advisable to also keep the thrash metal at a distance, as that leads to nothing but ferocious masturbation. My personal recommendations for happy, non-masturbating children are any Creed, Linkin Park, or Three Days Grace.

Thank you.
Hello? u know u have failed as a mother. masturbaition and crimes are not related. hes a teenager. let him masturbaite. its healthy and 99% of men and about 67% of woman masturbaited once in there lives. u ever c woman rub there thighs together? that counts as masturbaiting but thats girls only. and u make ur son sleep in ur room? wtf r u thinking u might think its parenting but i bet u he will be a criminal one day if u keep tourtureing him like that. most criminals become the way they r because of unhappy childhoods. did u know he might think sex is wrong or sex with the oppsite sex is wrong? and now he might become gay or asexual(no sexual/romantic desire period) do u want grand kids someday? thats not happening now. and buying condoms is taking responsibility for ur actions 2. btw u are emotionaly abusing ur son. Howcan u fix this? just talk with him about how porn manipulates woman and men having his dad there 2 can help. teach him about sexualy transmitted disseases and sexualy transmitted infections put parental blocks on ur computer(windows vista has this. just set a password on the adminastrative accounts) get a condom and teach him how 2 use it and explain to him the sexual anatomy (discovery health has a great sex ed special that plays about once a month called "Anatomy of sex") also if u care about his happiness at school move out of ure state and start over as a normal parent. just one tip avoid texas because showing porn to minors is still legal there. let him go places on his own. get on the verizon network and use VZ navagator with family locator member. FLM is free but VZ navigator is not required but gives u directions to where he is and is 2.99 per 2 months or 9.99 for unlimited. the unlimited is free with nationwide premium plan. the chains need 2 come off that is torture. but still there is no proof of him watching porn unless u either a: call ur ISP and ask for a list of websites visited(only works for the past month) or b: Call a PI(private investigator) and they will take ure hard drive due a full system scan and restore the history since the computer last crashed or was started for the first time. so please let ure son live a normal live and use my advice so u dont have a suicidal son. btw the way ure treating him might make him suicidal.


lol the above would be 4 the parts that might be real. Hillary duff in gang bangs? thats bull S*** lol ure funny but still the above might be advise if that really dose happen 4 anyone

Last edited by loos; 11-22-2009 at 11:26 AM..
loos is offline  
Old 11-22-2009, 12:05 PM   #87 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Canada
Glad this got brought back up, great laugh!
Salem is offline  
Old 11-22-2009, 01:25 PM   #88 (permalink)
Eat your vegetables
 
genuinegirly's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: Arabidopsis-ville
Sand in lotion? Ouch.
Good laugh!
__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy
genuinegirly is offline  
Old 11-22-2009, 01:45 PM   #89 (permalink)
zomgomgomgomgomgomg
 
telekinetic's Avatar
 
Location: Fauxenix, Azerona
How is this not Hall of Fame yet?
__________________
twisted no more
telekinetic is offline  
Old 11-22-2009, 02:02 PM   #90 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: My head.
^^ I know right, I fell over my chair!!! Mark me too on very happy this was necro'd!
Xerxys is offline  
Old 11-26-2009, 02:28 PM   #91 (permalink)
Insane
 
raging moderate's Avatar
 
Location: Whatever house my keys can get me into
Sand in the lotion!!! Oh dios mio!!!
__________________

These are the good old days...




formerly Murp0434
raging moderate is offline  
 

Tags
masturbation, mothers


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 02:50 PM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360