Death... party pictures... moral dilemna...
 

OK so here's the situation. It's already over and dealt with and everything, I just wanted to give everyone here something to think about for a moment.

I develop people's pictures at a national drug store chain.

The other day, I had a gentleman come in and drop off some film. He explained that the 3 rolls he was handing me were found in his daughter's room, because she's recently passed away, and he wanted to get them developed. He then looked about, with those giant, sad, sunken eyes, and leaned in to me.

He says to me, "She was my only child. She was 18. I know she had friends and things... [trailed off a moment] If you find something in there you think I shouldn't see... just tell me they were blank. No matter how hard I ask you, you just tell me it's blank, ok?"

The man's eyes were welling up with tears, and I very quickly gave him the "I'll take care of it" he'd been looking for, so he could peacefully walk out of the store.

When the negatives came out of the machine, I looked at them.

One was family pictures- mom, dad, her, out and about here and there. No big deal.

The second actually was blank. It really, actually, seriously was blank. I left that one whole and didn't detach it from the leader card (card used to drag it through the chemicals).

The third, however, which looked a bit more weathered than the other two.... the third was a party. It started out as a lot of drinking (21 is the legal age) and her in the arms of various boys, kissing various boys, etc. After a few frames of that, there was some marijuana- both in joint and pipe use (also quite illegal here).......

.......towards the end of the roll was a picture of her flashing the camera, and then, a picture of her giving head to the person holding the camera- sort of a down-shot, like the guy's point of view.

Now i've got one good roll, one REALLY blank roll, and a roll of moral dilemna. It's really not a hard decision to not give him that third party one. But I actually do have a blank one... so he's going to think there are TWO bad ones.

He comes back in the hour, and I present him with the following:

"Here is the first roll. All the pictures came out. [holding up real blank roll- ] This is the second roll, and it's blank, just as it came out of the machine. It's really, actually blank. The last roll has pictures of your daughter having a great time with some friends. It looks as though it was very recent, and she had a big smile in every picture. The pictures themselves would have been a memento to her, but will mean nothing to you."

And then I just stopped talking. He took a moment, almost said something, and then smiled and said, "I understand."

The "thank you" I received from this man after selling him his one good set of pictures, was the most sincere, deep, heartfelt "thank you" I think I have ever received from anyone, for anything, ever. Almost made me cry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So my question is this- take any position in this story- his or mine, or do both- and tell me what you would have preferred. Would you WANT to know what your daughter's pictures were of, even if it spoiled your "angel" view of them, and were graphic? Would you have even had the film developed at all? And if you were in my shoes, how would YOU have handled it?

Jesus.

Um...

I don't think I would want to know. If my daughter hadn't devoloped them after a long period of time I would think that there was a reason. She didn't want anyone to see. I would respect her by not diving into her life. The father here did the right thing. Just because she is gone doesn't mean you can do that.

You handled it perfectly. A true gentlemen. I would have done the same thing... (Yes, I can be nice to people)

Good call. He didn't need to see his daughter giving head.

I honestly think that you did the right job. That's a hard position to put anyone in, especially a stranger you have never met before.

Wow, that's a real toughie....

If I were the father, I would probably not develope the film to begin with, but he did. I would only want to remember children the way I knew them, not the way they were with their friends or whatever.

I applaude you for the way you handled it.

I don't believe you could have handled it better. Good call.

Yes Analog, I think you deserve praise for preserving the memory the way the father would have wanted to. That was commendable.

Hat's off to you.

You did good, very good.

I don't know how I would have handled that situation, but I would hope it would come close to as well as you did. :)

good job at being a true human being

I think BOTH of you made the right call. I can't imagine being on either side of that counter...but, I think you handled it perfectly.

Better job than I would have done. I would have given him the one roll back, and told him the other two were blank, but your solution was much, much better. Well done.

It sounds like he made a good request and you handled it properly. As has been said, he didn't need to see his little girl giving head.

Um, did you, uh, save the third roll? :D

Wow.....

You did exactly the right thing, good job. You handled it with great forethought and kindness. If I were the father, I wouldn't want to see the graphic pictures, and would be hesitant to even get the film developed without being screened by someone else first. If it were my daughter, I'd know almost certainly that she's done some crazy things, but I wouldn't want to know the details.

Excellent way you put the response.

How sad.

You did a very noble thing though. You handled it better then I would have.

Forget about just telling us... that should go in your company policy manual on "how to handle difficult situations". Nice work.

Wow. I am impressed, there is no way I could have handled that as well, or even close.

Surely you are to be likend to a god in customer service.

everyone else has said already what i would...

i definitely admire you for this.

thanks for the post.

I think if I was in your shoes seeing that the pictures arent numbered I would have pulled out the ones that were discriminating against her (ie her going down on some guy , and flashing the camera) and just tossed them as well as the negatives and made up some excuess that the negatives were so tough to expose and in the processe they got destroyed, hand him the pictures and tell him that only a half dozen or so showed up. Hes to upset to think of trivial details of negatives number of pictures on a roll. If he just picked them up out of his daughters room and they were still in the tubes then he wouldnt know one way or the other if it was 12 24 or 36 exposure. Not to mention shes going to have other pictures in photo albums that im sure one day they are going to discover, it would be better for them to find them at a later date in private if there were any disturbing ones then to see them standing in the store in front of a complete stranger.

Damn, that's a good story. Well, not good, but still.
Good for you for handling it so well, and good of the dad to know to say something to you so that you'd screen her pictures.
Well done.

Yeah, you handled that better than I think anyone had hoped for. You did a perfect job--dont feel bad about it. I really admire how you handled the situation.

Dude! I'd like to shake your hand. You handled that situation about as well as anyone could have handled it. C'mon...I'll buy you a drink.

He's lucky I didn't develope the pics because I woulda given them to him. I don't believe that the truth should be hidden in a situation like that.

I give you credit for being nicer then I could ever be.

If I was him I probably would've thrown them away without ever being developed.

Karma smiles down on you. You did a great service to a human being who was hurting.

Man.

I've gotta say, analog, I already had a lot of respect for you. Now I've got more.

I hope I could have handled it with the grace you demonstrated.

Yup, you did good :icare:

The way you handled it was the only way I could imagine any decent person handling it.

Thanks. I don't know what for precisely, but thanks.

If I were that man...

I probably would have asked for what he asked for.

I would have hoped to have been treated exactly as you treated him.

What, am I going to have to be the first to ask for the pictures?

j/k, of course :)

You did the right thing.

Wow.

I must say that you displayed a lot of tact and grace in your manner of speech, not just leaving him to wonder about the second roll, and relaying the information about the third roll in about the best way possible.

I've always enjoyed your posts, and this puts you very high on the list of posters that I have true respect for.

Thank you for your decency as a human being, a trait that few possess to the level that you showed in that situation.

no need to worsen a shitty situation for the guy, you did a good thing. no one ever needs to see those pics and I totally agree with how you handled it. Imagine her folks having to deal with the death alone and then have that come creeping up from down deep too, no thanks!

Wow.

You truely are a good person.

I commend you both!

Damn that takes some guts...hats off to you....you did the best thing you could ever do for a father.

That was really good of you. I don't think I would have been able to handle as delicate a situationa s that.

. But I wonder where he got the idea that something.... err... innappropriate might be on those rolls.

Good Job...very well done.

Aside: How often do you develop pictures of people giving head and flashing the camera? Do you print these without questions or do you ever censor rolls? Was always curious about this...

He was young once, too. We all were. He said he knew she hung out with friends, etc. There could be a million things, but it was definitely more of a "just in case".


Giving head- maybe once a month or so, flashing- maybe once every week or two. There's no censorship where I work. I print everything- except child porn, of course. Child porn is taken care of by the proper people.

Awesome job...

Wow, where I work, Kodak is basically a vendor that rents space in our store. I swear the folks there would have never done what you did. You totally did a great deed for the year...You actually Cared!

If I was the father, I would appreciate what you did since I wouldn't want to remember my daughter as being anything other than my innocent and sweet princess.

Thank you for sharing this with us all.
The Father walked out with a little less pain,and that is a good thing.

wow. that was a very emotional read. i don't think you could have handled the situation better. and the heartfelt thank you from the man just adds that much more appreciation for what you did.

All MENCH! you gave the father the gift of a happy lasting memory of his baby! what more can be said.

I appreciate the way you managed to tell the truth, yet give the man what he needed/wanted. Excellent job!

I had a dream about this thread...I forgot the girl was dead in the dream and I had the third roll and I went up to "her" in the store and said "I have your third roll. Do you want it?" She took it and looked at me funny like I was insane. I then remembered the real girl was dead and I just gave some strange girl a roll of pics that weren't hers.

Yes I'm insane. :o

great job, he didnt need the 3rd roll anyways, but you never know, he may have known about her drinking and drugs, so that may not have been a shock to him, but her in sexual situations.. no dad ever wants to see that of his daughter, no matter the situation

Good way of handling the situation. If I were the dad though I would not have gotten the pictures developed.

Quite a story. I think you handled it amazingly well.

Very well handled! You and the father both handled this with a lot of maturity. Good job!

Way to go man. That is exactly how it should have gone down. That would have been so crushing for the father to have that image of his passed daughter in his head. It's hard to say what I would have done, were I in the fathers shoes. I'm sure the guy thought it over quite a bit, before he showed up at your store. Anyway, good on ya man, your an upstanding citizen.

wow, certainly makes one think.....

I don't think that the situation could have been handled any better. You did the right thing on all counts.

I think you made the right decision. In the end its how you feel, why should you feel guilt to make a man feel better about his daughter, in this case. Ignorance is bliss..

Sometimes it's nice to feel like we have the job we do for a specific reason... in this case I think you definitely part of something special to help this father deal with grieving.

the whole time i was reading your story, i kept thinking of what i could possibly say to the father to make it easier..
the way you said it was the best possible way!!! :)

That's really touching, probably the most sincere thing I've ever read on a board. I think you handled that way better than most would have, I would have had a hard time with it. You did the right thing. You get a imaginary medal from me :)

If I were in the man's position, I don't know if I would have even gotten the pictures developed. If I did, I wouldn't want to know the contents of the graphic pictures. And if I were in your position, I'd like to think that I would handle the situation as well as you did.

You did the right thing. As a father of two daughters there are things that a father shouldn't see and you kept them from him. You're a good man.

You should be proud of yourself, I know I am!!!

You handled the situation perfectly...it was very tactful and nice of you. Well done!

You sir deserve to be nominated for sainthood! You not only preserved his vision of his daughter but you very tastefully said ...you dont wanna see that third roll.
Well met mister Analog and bravo.

Woah, what brought this thread out of the sleep of ages?

Wow, this is an old thread. Glad to see the last two years haven't jaded people against sensitivity (hey, two years can change a LOT). Analog, I'm very impressed with how you handled it. I know not many have really answered your question about how they'd have handled it from either side, but I don't think there's much to say on the matter. Hats of to you good chap!

Seems ok to me. Both of you handled it perfectly I think.

I don't know if I'd have managed it so good - thanks for the fine example.

Hehehe, I'm sorta glad this got dredged up from the past. I would have never seen this thread.

Looks like there is another reason Analog is the "good twin". :)

Interesting... I've been reading this over again, and realized that almost everyone including myself did not answer the OP when it was first posted, and now some that revisited it, did not again. We just patted analog on the back for being a decent human being.

If I found pictures of my loved ones having sex, yes it would be a shocker, but it's not any more shocking than knowing that they eat and take a shit, meaning that having sex is part of it. It's living in denial that they never did such actions. Yes, it would suck to stumble upon the pictures, especially after they passed on.

2 years ago, I'd probably done like you. 2 years later, today in my life, I'd have given him all of the pictures. It's not for me to interpret them for him, sex or drug use.

Honestly, I know I wouldn't have been able to handle that anywhere near as well as you, and I can't imagine a better way. Well done.

Kudos on the good decision, definatly made the right call.

Ditto on that. I would've never seen this thread otherwise... and Analog's stock just went way up in my books.

As for the actual question asked, what would've happened would have depended on what side of the counter I stood. On the developing side, I honestly believe I would've done much the same. I couldn't've given the man those pictures when he was clearly deeply set in grief and asked not to see them.

On the father's side of the counter... I want to think that I could handle and would ask for all the pictures. Solely in the mental scenario that I have in my head, that would be the case. I would want to know that she did go out and have fun and do the reckless things that I did. I would want to know she enjoyed her life how she wanted to. Her giving some guy head wouldn't exactly be warm-fuzzies, but at least I would have some kind of satisfaction that she was alive and took advantage of that. But confronted with the actual death of my daughter (assuming I ever have one), I don't know that I could stand, in the midst of my grief, to see her in any light other than an innocent one.

Analog - You kick so much more ass than I knew. Thanks for reaffirming that there's some humanity left in people.

Like everyone above me has said, I think you did the right thing in the most tactful way. I probably could not have come up with that myself.

But by not giving the photos to the father, wouldn't that put some doubt in his mind about his daughter? Without exactly knowing what his daughter did, his imagination could run wild and perhaps it would be a worse result than if he had actually seen the photos. Just a thought.

I had no idea I had so much room for "being a nice person" improvement. lol

If it were my child, I think I'd want to know what was on the pictures, but of course there isn't really any way to put myself in his shoes so it's entirely speculation on my part, and I certainly can't judge him for wanting to preserve his memories of his daughters as a sweet, innocent girl.

I think the fact that this was a father and daughter had a lot to do with the attitude. Again, I'm not judging him, he has every right to try to memorialize his daughter as best he can.

It was a difficult situation and you handled it with grace and tact.

Gilda

I think giving him the third roll would have been the WORST thing to do to that father. Think of it from his point of view, he tells you not to give him pictures of his princess if they are ones he wouldn't want to see... so you hand him a bunch of pictures of her having sex and doing drugs, then you ALSO tell him there was a roll that mysteriously couldn't be developed. Could you IMAGINE the complex that would give the poor man ? He would think "If pictures of her giving head and taking drugs weren't bad enough for me to see, what was on that roll that was so bad the clerk would tell me they couldn't be developed ?!"

Also, if I was the father, I am sure I would have done it the same way he did. My little girl is dead, and I am despirately trying to find any memento I can of her life, and I find 3 rolls of undeveloped film. The best record of anyone's life short of video. There is no way I would leave them undeveloped, but I definitely would have found an intermediary to filter me from what I wouldn't want to see... not sure if I would have trusted the clerk to be that intermediary, but who else could you trust would never let word get back to you about what was in any questionable pictures ? Only someone totally outside of your life would work for that role.

As the store clerk, I would have done as you did and given him the 1 roll of developed film. I guess I'm not as quick on my feet as your solution was a bit more elegant though. :)

Bravo.

I really don't think that could have been handled better.

Her party pictures were her private life, something she'd have likely not shared w/her parents on her own. You kept that where it should stay, and satisfied his reqeust as best as I think anyone could possibley have done.


Fantastic job.

/ faith in humanity goes up a few points today.


I would have gotten them developed, and I hope I'd have had the forsight to trust someone to do for me what you did.

There are things children don't share with thier parents, as some things are none of thier business. I'd like to respect that privacy, even after death.

I don't get that, the father specifically requested that the photos be censored for him. If you wouldn't be comfortable with that you should let him know in advance.

Dude...you really came up with a creative, caring way to handle a situation. I can't imagine me coming up with something so cool. The father obviously was aware of something and also understood what you were saying. He also knows you are honest and took a stand. Not many people are willing to do that these days.

You are the kind of guy employers want to hire... you should think of a way to use this experience one day to show how you think and relate to people.

Im with lots of others when I say I am glad I read this. I always liked you analog, but now my respect has been greatly increased. I read about 30 posts before I even realised it was old. You did an amazing job and handled that great I think.

Top it off with the large probability that someone that young DIED because of a drunk driving accident, perhaps after that very party, and I'd say what you did was certainly admirable.

I imagine people in busy development shops are often presented with quirky moral dillemas for some reason.

wow, analog, I seriously admire you for your actions.

I have trouble fathoming what I would have done if I were the father. Maybe, I would definitely have had an intermediary (possibly a younger relative) 'filter' them and judge what pictures would be suitable for me.
For someone to completely entrust this delicate responsibility to a complete stranger is a bit heartwarming and surprising, because of the notion that there is a lack of trust and empathy between strangers in today's world. It definitely puts things in perspective and reminds me of how benevolent people in this world can be.

This thread belongs in a 'best of TFP' section !

Regards,
will.