clavus

The fax machine is in my office. Every time my co-worker gets a fax, I pick it up off the machine, and walk it into his office (next door to mine). Without fail, he asks "What is this?"

It's a fax. It's been faxes for the last eight years, and still he asks, "What is this?" as I hand it to him.

Soooo...I started getting creative in my answers. But, I've reached a creative lull. Please help me come up with things to say.

Previous answers include:

Paper airplane kit
Oragami tiger - it just needs a little folding
Message from Satan...something about seeing you in Hell
The Magna charta
Your horoscope, silly Libra!
email...when did the fax get its own email account, anyway?
flamable
one thousand papercuts just waiting to happen.
A color copy of a black & white doccument

Please, give me ideas. Lend me your wit.

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Giant Hamburger

the last thing you will ever see

rogue49

"Just the facts, sir...nothing but the facts"

Halx

"What is this?"

...


My suicide note
the latest from the telegraph
a list of jokes I got in my email
a flyer for my gig at the club tonight
scientologist personality survey
it's not what you think!
proclamation of my undying love for you
a fax ... I sprayed cologne on it for your sniffing pleasure.

i'm spent

__________________
You have found this post informative.
-The Administrator
[Don't Feed The Animals]

torgone

A bowling ball.
Sign-up sheet for the company orgy.
A summons.
(reading) Hmmm. Looks like you're fired.
A parchment inscribed with strange symbols.
It's from my Mom.
A birthday party invitation from the boss.
Naked pictures of the boss.
Ransom note.
It's from the garage. Your head is ready.
A bomb.
What's left of the rainforest.
Frequent buyer coupons from the adult toy store.
A message from God. Look out.
I don't know. I can't read.
Page 1 of 1500.
Shredder food.
I'm not sure, but it might be a fax.
Encrypted transmission from our operative in Bulgaria, SIR!
A do-it-yourself tampon.
The latest polls.
It's from Hustler. Something about your subscription.
A restraining order.
Decals for a model airplane.
The world's thinnest encyclopedia.
Wallpaper samples.
It's your lunch order from Paper Hut.
A treasure map.
Cup of coffee.
Dehydrated spitballs.
More work for me.
The constitution.
Instructions for making a nuclear weapon.

__________________
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx

Batman976

breaking news from Washington
a recipe for lasagna
a piece of dead tree
blueprints for your new clubhouse

...I'm not that creative. None of mine are quite as good as "1,000 papercuts waiting to happen." I really liked that one.

__________________
The following statement is true.
The preceding statement was false.

mortius

A tree after a nasty accident.

Your will, please sign the bottom.

Paper with text on it.

What's what?

You did what with a dog?

A small boat waiting to be built.

A new hat if you have some skill.

A note from that hooker you picked up last week, she said you gave her the clap.

__________________
What's Your Addiction?

herostar

yoru reciept from the porn sites you subscribed to today

__________________
Got time to chill?

clavus

BAAAAAAA! For some reason, this one is the funniest of all.

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Cycler

A rectangle.<br>10 kilos China White ready.<br>Your wife is leaving you.<br>You're pregnant, congratulations.

__________________
"I'm not even supposed to be here today."

"I assure you we're open."

uncle phil

a volkswagen...

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

prosequence

Toilet paper for people with really wide asses.

__________________
And now here I stand because of you, Mister Anderson, because of you I'm no longer an agent of the system, because of you I've changed...

Jonsgirl

One huge mother of an LSD laced stamp.
The latest in fashion.
The new wave in communications technology. Maybe you've heard of it?
Wraping paper for the worlds smallest elephant.
Kindling.
A quilt.
Recylced granola.
It is a play. It is a play, I say. A play on your studpitay. I do not want it in my room. I would not touch it with a broom. I will not tell you one more time. I will not tell you for a dime. It is a fax. A fax, dumbass.

__________________
Someday, someone will best me.
But it won't be today, and it won't be you.

rogue49

Great one

BigGov

I couldn't come up with anything funny about the fax, so I just thought up of things to say.

"A letter from your secret admirer"
"A memo saying everyone's pay is being cut 25% to cut costs"

I wish I could take credit for this one, but I can't. My personal favorite: a quote from Jules Winnfield (that I'm surprised hasn't been posted already)

"Say 'what' again. SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN! I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHER FUCKER! SAY 'WHAT' ONE MORE GOD DAMN TIME!"

__________________
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink but then held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"

QuasiMojo

yfff.

__________________
AzAbOv ZoBeLoE

Batman976

A few more since I'm bored.

My screenplay, I wanted you to look it over
A whole new list of acronyms for use in the office
A list of things I need you to get from the grocery store
Dear Abby wrote you back
Playgirl sent back your pictures
101 "Knock knock" jokes for kids

...I still got nothin'

__________________
The following statement is true.
The preceding statement was false.

i8one2

a broken record

__________________
LEATHER, LATEX and LACE "SSC"
"Nothing That Gives Pleasure is Bad"

Quality is for those who know
what they want and are at peace with what they have.

"S/M is about emotion; the erotic tension between my impulse toward something and my resistance against it."-- Virginia Barker

bparker805

Tell him the bathroom is out of toilet paper and youre just looking out for him. Yeah I know its lame but you could just tell him its your resignation too.

jwells777

"Obviously you're not a golfer..."

empu

I called the central office and told them we were out of paper so they faxed us some.

rider6061

The last Willy Wonka Golden Ticket...Hooray!

__________________
Is This Thing On?

Rodney

Make a fax cover sheet with the word "FAX" on it in 200-pt. type. When he asks the question, say "Du-uuuuuh."

Alternatively, have the coversheet say "THIS" instead. When he asks the question, say "Get a dictionary."

Mango

A letter from your proctologist confirming your appointment.

Mango

Your resignation, sign here.

ratbastid

Your mission, should you choose to accept it.

MSD

Either scream or laugh, then run.

sadistikdreams

it's a pregnacy test. i'm pregnant with your child.


YOU SUNOVABITCH! It's a fax. See that machine there? Yeah, I know it looks thirty years old, but it sends pages over the phone. *smack* you must be on crack.

__________________
"Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.
The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials."
-Lin Yutang

hearts, by d.a.

vermin

I applied for a license to kill, and this is my learner's permit.

Indisputable proof of life after birth.

A list of demands from the people who are tired of being considered minor characters in the story of your life.

Tumor-gram

It's from a polite gay guy in a bar. He wants to know if you'll let him push in your stool.

__________________
If puns were sausages, this would be the wurst.

scansinboy

It's a list of the world's most annoying questions. Say... you're good! How did you know what #1 was?

__________________
Don't blame me... *I* voted for Kodos!

Jadey

Empu, now that I've stopped laughing I have to let you know how funny this is. I think this is the best one so far!

spived2

A list of responses to the question you ask everytime I hand you a fax!

__________________

"This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V." - V

gnort

Ebola

__________________
You had me at Qapla'

Mephisto2

"I don't know, but it's got some white powder on it and .... urghh...." and then fall over

"Your bank details, and I found it on the fax machine."

"A love letter from someone called Big Gay Al... Something you want to tell me?"




Mr Mephisto

Spire

yooouuuu

something about hair paste

how dare you, racist

what is your FACE! BAAAZINGGG! youch you hear that burn, i am

really on today

can i have your autograph my daughter loves your work wait a
minute your not tom cruise, whyd you say you were, damn
attention whore

never mind that, how come you never return my calls

id be more worried about where your wife is right now

sssssuuuhhhhh the babys sleeping

analog

ransom note from your ass, asking a price for your head.
invitation to something called, "Dwarf-A-Pallooza". bring your own dipping sauce.
the war's over, sir, i'd like to go home and marry my sweetheart Edith May.
black paper with whiteout all over it
Michael Jackson's written confession
love letter from OJ Simpson
soilent green. it's people, you know.
letter of rejection from the sperm bank
a little bit country, and a little bit rock and roll.
the cold, hard truth behind pimento loaf
i've figured out time travel..... (then walk back out of the office backwards, just as you came in. walk back in and use another line. deny the incident.)
it's from the police. it's about your chair. don't stand up.
piñata for people with no depth perception
war on drugs, you've been called up.
i don't know, but i think it's dead
list of your shortcomings. want a tissue, pussy?
10 things i hate about you
my first erotic story
before you say anything, it was your daughter's idea.
seems to be some form of language, do you think they're trying to tell us something?
God, it's sexy when you say that. (fan yourself as you walk out)
genealogy report- you're actually a quarter moron, not a total jackoff.
tainted love.

Giltwist

* A document give me your power of attorney.
* A free sample of printer paper. Look! It has a demo fax on it.
* Well, it USED to be George Washington's teeth.
* I don't know, a Jehovah's Witness just gave it to me as I was walking in.
* Just a little something I got from my pal Mohammed that I thought you would enjoy. Don't worry if its a little dusty. Excuse me while I go decontami...I mean wash my hands.
* Es ist ein Berliner (its a jelly donut?)
* (Stand outside the office and randomly tap on the wall a little bit then go in; respond) If you knew morse code, you would already know.

glytch

"Shut up and eat your cheese sandwich"

__________________
If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. - Mitch Hedberg

clavus

analog, you fucking rock.

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Tiger69z

A white guy who got run over