Ungrateful Friends and you - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

EventHorizon · 05-23-2011, 11:15 PM

This may sound like a rant, but I assure you it applies to everyone.

My roommate and best friend was listening to music or something one day when his kick ass stereo system broke and he soon discovered that the cause was a burnt out fuse that needed to be soldered out and replaces Without a second thought, I told him that if he went down to the electrical engineering department and talked to Mr. Suchandsuch that he would get the help, equipment, and instruction on how to replace said fuse. He said that he wanted me to come with because I already knew the guy despite the fact that I already told him this engineer was really cool and didn't mind walk-ins. Afternoon naptime or help a friend? Sacrificing my REM cycles, I escorted him down to the guy who (surprise surprise) didn't mind at all that we wanted to use his soldering equipment. Having more experience, I offered to do the job for him, but apparently this was just too much for him to watch and he got frustrated by just watching me and took over leaving nothing for me to do. So slightly annoyed that he didn't appreciate my naptime sacrifice, my introduction to the guy, and my experience and willingness to help, i just stood by while he worked. Turns out that something else in the speakers was wrong so he just decided to toss the whole thing. Waste of my afternoon? yup. So that night i don't feel like grabbing food at the mess hall so i made riceballs in my room with salt and seaweed. I'm no expert at ricecrafting, but i managed a decent triangular shape and it tasted pretty good to me so I offer it to my roommates. The one i helped picked his up and immediately a chunk fell off to which he responded, "did you seriously make these?" Without waiting for a response, he takes a bite and apprently hated the taste so much he spat it into the trash and tossed the rest of the riceball without a word of thanks or advice on what could be improved upon. I gave the last riceball away hoping they wouldn't hate it as much as the roommate did and i got back a "wow that was really good! tell me when you make more."

So does TFP have friends like this? What does/would TFP do to someone that you live with that doesn't appreciate small favors done for them? Advice? Criticisms? I dont want to make living with this roommate shittier for the next two years...

flat5 · 05-24-2011, 12:12 AM

He's immature. Don't expect much from him.

monkeysugar · 05-24-2011, 12:43 AM

Seems to me that your roommate is self-absorbed and immature. I'd say dumpster-dive the kickass stereo that he threw out, fix it, and keep it...or sell it. Then possibly look for a new living situation for the next few years or kick his ass to the curb. College is too short and too much fun to be bogged down with a shitty roommate. The best way to stay best friends with someone in college is to not live with them. Ever. I've seen a lot of people that were best friends since they were in diapers end up completely hating each other after a few short weeks of living together. This is by no means an all inclusive statement, it works out for a lucky few. The rest end up being miserable and stuck in a lease with someone they can't stand.

Cheshire · 05-24-2011, 08:44 PM

I feel your pain. Spitting out food that's been given to you is one of the worst possible breeches of etiquette in my opinion. A friend of mine did that to me once and not only is it extremely rude, it made me feel all nauseous! Nothing more gross than spit up food at the table.

BadNick · 05-25-2011, 06:52 AM

Sometimes, maybe even often, you can overlook the imperfections of people and have them as friends in spite of it all; and also expect friends to be tolerant of your own shortcomings that way. Other times you can't. Your two examples don't strike me as very deeply convincing in and of themselves, but if they are typical of his selfishness then I couldn't continue a friendship with a person like that.

Poetry · 05-25-2011, 02:53 PM

Or, instead of ranting, you could say to him "Dude. Fuck off," or otherwise express your distaste for his behavior.

When I make friends with someone who later turns out to be not someone I want to be around, I stop being around them. I suggest you evaluate your friendship and situation with him and act accordingly.

chinese crested · 05-28-2011, 04:24 AM

He is not a friend, he is an aquaintance. As you say, you will be in his company for a couple of years - and obviously will have some control over how much you see of him outside of class. After a couple of years - during which time he might even develope some manners and change - you wont have to see him again will you. Life is too short - and true friendship is special.

EventHorizon · 06-01-2011, 11:14 PM

i might've forgot to mention that we're in the same squadron and that we're bunkmates

chinese crested · 06-02-2011, 12:13 AM

Quote:

i might've forgot to mention that we're in the same squadron and that we're bunkmates

So you are like a married couple on the brink of divorce - still having to share the house, but not liking each other. You will have to put up with his prescence - but you dont have to interact more than pleasantries. Its only for a short time - remember that. Squadron? Are you in the air force or something? Keep an eye open for dead mens shoes - if someone leaves, you could put in for their old room maybe - or if very clever and manipulative, if the solitary guy likes your guy - encourage him to invite him for the company and because they will get on so well together. Bear in mind, a good reference from you would be more encouraging than a negative one.
Next time you make rice cakes and are handing them out, just say I know you wont want one because you dont like the recipie and move along. Maybe he will learn a little tact.

Me, I was in a similar situation half way across the bay of biscay. I definitely considered pushing him over the railings. Man overboard at night, alone on watch - who would know? But I didnt. At least you can open the door and walk down the road, talk to and meet up with other people.

EventHorizon · 06-02-2011, 10:20 AM

i am indeed in the Air Force, CC

chinese crested · 06-02-2011, 09:47 PM

Forces isnt as simple is it - in some ways. I dont think the guy will ask you for help getting stuff fixed. Be sure not to offer. Your contacts are not up to what he wants - so if he asks, you are not sure if you know anyone capable enough. Smile. Still look out for dead mens shoes/bunk.
No the fellow does not have much in the way of manners - I know forces have changed much over the decades - including the attitude of those in them. Dad worked for army, paras before that. In his day, you could leave your locker open and trust your mates - I understand thats no longer the case. If you complain you may well get labeled a moaning minnie.
Patience. No more doing favours - and no more offering - which you may, by nature, find hard to do. The instructors will probably encourage more adult behaviour from him - and while they do it - SMILE. Do you cover 'how to behave in foreign climes and interact with the local people in a well mannered and acceptable way' - bet you could find a few questions for that one. It is not the US forces strong point is it - if you have open discussion groups with lecturers - you could always ask why that is do they think. Might make matey think - but he probably wont - skin too thick.
Get your own back - sign him up to Free Bradley Manning a few dozen times. An 'I support Sarah Palin for president' bumper sticker would surely cast doubt as to his sanity.

05-24-2011, 12:43 AM	#3 (permalink)
monkeysugar I'll be on the veranda, since you're on the cross. Location: Rand McNally's friendliest small town in America. They must have strayed from the dodgy parts...	Seems to me that your roommate is self-absorbed and immature. I'd say dumpster-dive the kickass stereo that he threw out, fix it, and keep it...or sell it. Then possibly look for a new living situation for the next few years or kick his ass to the curb. College is too short and too much fun to be bogged down with a shitty roommate. The best way to stay best friends with someone in college is to not live with them. Ever. I've seen a lot of people that were best friends since they were in diapers end up completely hating each other after a few short weeks of living together. This is by no means an all inclusive statement, it works out for a lucky few. The rest end up being miserable and stuck in a lease with someone they can't stand. __________________ I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

05-25-2011, 02:53 PM	#6 (permalink)
Poetry Crazy Location: Los Angeles, CA	Or, instead of ranting, you could say to him "Dude. Fuck off," or otherwise express your distaste for his behavior. When I make friends with someone who later turns out to be not someone I want to be around, I stop being around them. I suggest you evaluate your friendship and situation with him and act accordingly. __________________ "You know what? Fuck the moon! He controls our water and our women. I've had enough!"

05-24-2011, 12:12 AM	#2 (permalink)
flat5 Very Insignificant Pawn Location: Amsterdam, NL	He's immature. Don't expect much from him.

05-24-2011, 08:44 PM	#4 (permalink)
Cheshire Upright	I feel your pain. Spitting out food that's been given to you is one of the worst possible breeches of etiquette in my opinion. A friend of mine did that to me once and not only is it extremely rude, it made me feel all nauseous! Nothing more gross than spit up food at the table.

05-25-2011, 06:52 AM	#5 (permalink)
BadNick Riding the Ocean Spray Location: S.E. PA in U Sofa	Sometimes, maybe even often, you can overlook the imperfections of people and have them as friends in spite of it all; and also expect friends to be tolerant of your own shortcomings that way. Other times you can't. Your two examples don't strike me as very deeply convincing in and of themselves, but if they are typical of his selfishness then I couldn't continue a friendship with a person like that.

05-28-2011, 04:24 AM	#7 (permalink)
chinese crested Insane Location: hampshire	He is not a friend, he is an aquaintance. As you say, you will be in his company for a couple of years - and obviously will have some control over how much you see of him outside of class. After a couple of years - during which time he might even develope some manners and change - you wont have to see him again will you. Life is too short - and true friendship is special.

06-02-2011, 09:47 PM	#11 (permalink)
chinese crested Insane Location: hampshire	Forces isnt as simple is it - in some ways. I dont think the guy will ask you for help getting stuff fixed. Be sure not to offer. Your contacts are not up to what he wants - so if he asks, you are not sure if you know anyone capable enough. Smile. Still look out for dead mens shoes/bunk. No the fellow does not have much in the way of manners - I know forces have changed much over the decades - including the attitude of those in them. Dad worked for army, paras before that. In his day, you could leave your locker open and trust your mates - I understand thats no longer the case. If you complain you may well get labeled a moaning minnie. Patience. No more doing favours - and no more offering - which you may, by nature, find hard to do. The instructors will probably encourage more adult behaviour from him - and while they do it - SMILE. Do you cover 'how to behave in foreign climes and interact with the local people in a well mannered and acceptable way' - bet you could find a few questions for that one. It is not the US forces strong point is it - if you have open discussion groups with lecturers - you could always ask why that is do they think. Might make matey think - but he probably wont - skin too thick. Get your own back - sign him up to Free Bradley Manning a few dozen times. An 'I support Sarah Palin for president' bumper sticker would surely cast doubt as to his sanity.