clavus

The woman in front of me was buying a few basic things – beans, eggs , milk, etc. She had her little girl with her. It was clear that they spoke very little English. When the cashier told her the total, she carefully counted out her money, and didn’t have enough. So she asked the cashier to take a few things off. Back over the scanner they went– BEEP! milk, BEEP! Beans, etc until she could afford her purchase.

In my head, I boldly told the cashier, “Put that on my bill,” as I swiped my ATM card through the machine.

But in real life, I did nothing.

Why? Because I couldn’t afford it? Hell no. My reason was stupid. I stood there and dithered, and let a moment to help slip away because I was afraid of offending the woman. I knew nothing about her or her culture, and was afraid that she’d misinterpret my action.

How stupid. A little girl didn’t get any milk because I was afraid of offending her mother. I want to kick my own ass right now.

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Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

rockogre

You're not a shithead, your are just cautious as our present culture has taught you to be. Good intentions are not always recieved well in this brave new world.

I have been cussed out for holding doors open for women, or standing aside so they could enter a building first. Stopping to help a woman with a flat tire is a possible entanglement with the police, or pepper spray.

Many people today just can't believe that a stranger would do something nice for them with no ulterior reason.

I find it sad but I understand why you did as you did.

__________________
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

HeyAgain

Clavus, there will always be a next time when a similar situation arises which will provide you with an opportunity to step-up and help them out. You can always donate some groceries to your local food bank.

For me personally, helping out others in need is just common sense, and I have never been on the receiving end of rude remarks after helping someone out. Don’t let those who aren’t appreciative of your assistance stop you from ever helping out another fellow human being in need.

Bill O'Rights

I'll echo HeyAgain's post. I've been in numerous situations where I've beaten myself up because I "turned left instead of right". As strange as this sounds...I predict that you are going to find yourself in a <b>very</b> similar situation in the not to distant future. At that moment...you will <b>know</b> how to react, and do it. I've been there and done that on a few seperate occasions, that I can think of right now. The universe is weird that way.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

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gov135

I walked into the grocery store about a month ago and there was this little old lady, must have been eighty, all bent over and trying to free a cart from the others in the line. Not thinking much about it, I took one from another stack, wheeled it over to her, and said, "here you go." I don't even know why I looked at her, but the look in her eyes was priceless. I felt like superman for the rest of the day.

The point is, Clavus, that life will give you plenty of unexpected opportunities to provide a little boost to somebody. Don't let anyone tell you what is appropriate or not, etc. What's appropriate is that you always have good intentions and are aware of those around you - at the end of the day thats what matters.

Jim Kata

I think that just because you THOUGHT of doing it makes you an unshithead.
The people around where I live are so busy and caught up in themselves that you hardly see anyone helping out someone else (of course there are exceptions).
I wouldn't even give it a second thought.

Cynthetiq

we all talk the talk about helping people but where the rubber meets the road is really the point.

Yes, you missed one opportunity, but did you stop and think about the other opportunities that you did take the road less traveled?

We all have those moments of missing an opportunity, but we still do find the right time and place to make the difference.

My wife grew up like that little girl, she actually hated that people went out of their way for them because she didn't want to be different than eveyrone else. They made it somehow.

So maybe this time it was the right thing to do. Because the little girl was there... who knows.

But you'll have other opportunities to help your fellow human being.

__________________
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SecretMethod70

Don't get down on yourself - unfortunately our culture has made you that cautious, but like others have said there are plenty of other people in the world who wouldn't have even given it a thought. We've all missed opportunities like that. I use those missed opportunities to make sure I don't miss them the next time. Just think abuot how you felt after this next time an opportunity comes and you'll find it really easy to forget about thinking about it and just do it.

I made a journal entry just now that actually applies to this very well: http://tfproject.org/tfp/journal.php...20Live%20By...

__________________
Le temps détruit tout

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MikeyChalupa

Unshithead is now my new favorite word.

I agree though. Most people would probably have been standing there impatiently, pissed off that she was holding up the line.

You unshithead.

-Mikey

spectre

Same here. I've held doors open for women, just because it was the way I was raised, and I've seen two different reactions to it. This first one is exactly like rockogre said, they get angry and yell. The second is they are shocked that someone would hold the door for them.

It's really sad that common courtesy has taken a back seat to PC bullshit, but I don't blame you for what you did. The mere fact that you thought about doing that puts you well above many people out there.

__________________
"Fuck these chains
No goddamn slave
I will be different" ~ Machine Head

Minx

Clavus I for one applaud the fact that you at least wanted to help her out. You didn't only because you were trying to spare her feelings. I think this is a wonderful thing. Not enough people are willing to help others out anymore. It seems to be a more "dog-eat-dog" world which, to me, is very sad.
Thank you for reaffirming my faith that there are good people out there still!

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tikki

I wouldn't have offered, because of the mom probably being pissed. I have noticed that people that can't afford stuff like that tend to not take charity very kindly. I can't blame them though. I probably wouldn't either.

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Spanky Johnson

Well, the fact that you even considered it probably puts you ahead of most people in our society.

vermin

To quote Ozzy:
Good intentions pave the way to hell.

And Yoda:
Do or do not. There is no try.

And Jim Kata:
Unshithead.

I once offered a 20 pound turkey that I got for free from work as a Christmas present to a family who lived in the same apartment building as I did. They looked at me as if I was insane, and walked away without saying a word. Later found out (the headgear should have been a clue) that they were Indian (from India), Hindu, and vegetarian. I was told that they considered it an insult to be offered food from a stranger. Oops. Hooda thunkit?

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If puns were sausages, this would be the wurst.

Peetster

No, you aren't. Do it next time. It will be just as good.

It feels good to help people. You will like it. Jump right into it.

Phaenx

I say: "Fuck your culture, you're in America." and do as I was taught.

__________________
"I went shopping last night at like 1am. The place was empty and this old woman just making polite conversation said to me, 'where is everyone??' I replied, 'In bed, same place you and I should be!' Took me ten minutes to figure out why she gave me a dirty look." --Some guy

Drider_it

Me.. my saving grace was to trash a dude that was drunk trying to force a girl into his car for some fun.. cops arrest him.. she slaps me..

three days later she come crying and saying thanks.. guy was a porole violator.. and was wanted for agraveted rape from two years ago.. heh..

i always help peps.. way i was brought up.. although i do get dised at times.. deep inside it still feels worth it..

I open doors.. carry groceries.. and such.. visit nursing homes.. im everyones grand child.. makes me cry at times after i leave.. but the elderly people .. thier day was brighter for it.

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WhoaitsZ

buddy....... i beg you to assure me this is a failure at being funny???

Slims

Personally, I would probably be offended is someone assumed that I was so helpless that they had to buy my groceries.

You aren't a shithead, either way.

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rogue49

Past assholes make us pay.
And current attitudes make us prey.

No one appreciates a nice gesture anymore,
they are so used to being shit upon, that they react as if they don't deserve it.

Goes back to my orginal arguement,
where have the manners gone?

And manners mean being able to receive gracefully,
as well as give.

WhoaitsZ

Sorry clavus. Meant to post and forgot… Bones’ words threw me way off.

You’re not a shithead for the fact that you CARE.

This is one thing about this bullshit politically correct dogma.

If you try to be polite, especially to a lady, you are being rude.

It is fucking lame.

I’ve had my moments I’ve skipped helped and felt horrible. Now I remember and try my best. Better than some people..

rockogre

I should point out that I STILL hold doors for ladies. Help small children find lost puppies, offer to change tires for women on the highway, and practice the manners I was taught as a child. If none of us try to keep this kind of civilization alive it will die.

The very fact that it bothers you that you did nothing shows that your mind is in the right place. Next time offer. You may get shot down but at least you tried.

__________________
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

clifclav

I'll agree with the general theme of the other posters which is, " learn from this time and do it right the next time." And yes I agree that just thinking of doing it makes you an unshithead and better than 96% of the others out there.

Don't let the bastards bring you down.

__________________
Neither rain , nor cold, nor dark of night shall.......ahh whatever, just get me a beer!

XenuHubbard

I was broke as hell and hadn't eaten for a whole day once.
A guy from my university asked me if I wanted to go and eat something. I'd spoken to him before, but didn't know his name.
I told him I couldn't afford it.

The guy gave me 20 bucks. Suddenly, I had food for three days, and I was no longer stranded in city.

I'll never forget it. If you get offended by stuff like that, then you're not an unshithead.

__________________
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"What doesn't kill you, makes you bitter and paranoid". - SB2000

WhoaitsZ

what rockogre said.

fuck society and law. human instinct can be a beautiful thing at times.

CSflim

Clavus, I have to say that I understand your prediciment. It is possible that she would have been offended by your well meaning charity. But ultimately, that is her problem, if she can't accept a genuine gesture of kindness.

In all probability she would have joyfully accepted your charity. Next time you're in that kind of situation, screw all the pc bullshit. If she really doesn't want charity, she will turn down your offer, and will hopefully realise that your intentions were in the right place. If she doesn't, well, thats her problem.

Just today for instance, I offered to help an older lady carry a bag of potatoes out to her car from a supermarket. My offer was recieved with the most hideous glare from her, giving out the message that I was being rude to somehow imply that she may have difficulty carrying a bag. Of course she didn't say this. She just muttered "no thank you". But I knew what that really meant. My point is, that I'm just going to put this down as difficulty on her part. It certainly isn't going to stop me making similar offers in the future!

People should be able to accept kindness, or decline an offer with grace.

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clavus

OK. OK. Maybe I am an unshtithead. But it makes one think.

We all say that we would dash into the burning building to save a people inside. But would we really? Would we stand outside and wonder if its too late to help...until it really is? Would we assume that the fire department is on the way, and rationalize our way out of saving a life?

Opportunities are fleeting. He who hesitates may not be a shithead, but he's no hero either.

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Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Daoust

I know that I would have done the exact same as you, Clavus. I would think about reacting, about doing something, about the various ways it could be received, and probably in the end do nothing. I think in part my inaction would stem from my low confidence. I would fear rejection, or looking stupid. I would let that override my desire to help someone and make a difference. It's lame. I'm in that void between unshithead and anti-hero too.

__________________
I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

kramus

What this has done is put you in to a space where you are now primed with action, you have a well thought out position, and a series of pre-considered arguments regarding that action. And it has been used as a forum for others to put themselves into the same place where a chance with a small window of opportunity will more likely be explored differently. Really win-win Clavus.

I always remember as a young fellow walking by a woman who had stopped on the street and held her forehead as if in pain - I was afraid I would be intruding on her moment and so never broke stride. I have used that non-intervention different times over the years as a reason to take a minute to ask if a hand can be given. It usually works out well.

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....................

cowudders14

I feel for ya mate - I've been in similar situations. Whilst I've never had women tell me off for holding doors open etc, I've heard many tales from people who have, and I still can't quite beleive that people could possibly take offence to simple politeness. I hold the door open for anyone if needed. I do sometimes stand back and let ladies board trains etc first, and, to date, they have either said thank you or ignored me.

As for your situation - Like they have all said. Be nice. Some people will throw it back at you, some people will glare at you with a "how dare you infer...", but most will either accept, or politely refuse. Either way, you'll feel good for having offered, and, even if they refuse, you have shown them that you care, and that's got to be worth something.

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Ustwo

When I first started reading I 'projected' what a shithead would do as I read.

A shit head would have bitched about how long it was taking, and acted put out.

So no you are not a shit head.

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itch vaccine

Yep, I thought you meant that you screamed at her asking her to leave the counter or something.

and I would agree with Ustwo, and majority of the others.. you're not a shithead

__________________
"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes.
When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."
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Supple Cow

This just makes me think of that line from Batman Begins again... "Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." Charity has its time and its place, but I don't think this was it. I don't think you would have been doing anybody any favors by paying for their groceries. Everybody has rough times, and to have some stranger step in and assume that they are saving you from something you can fix yourself does a lot more damage than having to go without milk for a week. It deprives you of an opportunity to do something for yourself and it makes you feel forever indebted (and often inferior) to the people who "helped" you. I know; I've been there. (Also, I don't see how the fact that they spoke little English is relevant to the fact that they were short on cash. Would it have been easier to decide what to do if they spoke English perfectly?)

Next time it happens, if you really want to help AND pay for the groceries, just buy the groceries they leave behind, hand them over to the family outside of the store and say you accidentally paid already and you don't want to go back into the store to return them. You can even leave the bag of groceries on the ground if they are too stunned or embarrassed to take them. If they really need it, they'll take it when you leave.

__________________
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Cynthetiq

nice SC... nice... saves them face, something asians seem to know plenty about.

Clavus, have you been able to do different in the 2 years that this thread lay dormant?

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

martinguerre

i've actually done this...but i've had people turn down my offer, and a few seemed somewhat off put that i tried...and i've had people who really appriciated it.

maybe you figure out a good food shelf in your area to donate to...maybe you put some time in to anti-poverty work, or do something the next time around... but yeah...the awareness, and thinking about this makes you pretty unshithead in my book.

__________________
For God so loved creation, that God sent God's only Son that whosoever believed should not perish, but have everlasting life.

-John 3:16

hunnychile

When I worked in downtown San Franciso, I would put dried fruit or cans of food in my backpack and when the homeless stopped me for money, I would hand them something to eat. Usually it was ok, but quite a few times the homeless would say things like, "damn lady, just give me some money..." I knew they were either gonna score smack or a bottle of NightTrain. Very sad. Don't give up....you have a good heart and it's all about compassion.

Do unto others is the only totally universal law in all religions and philosophies... Peace to you brother. Thanks for being a caring person.

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

crxforum

I had a similar thing happen to me at the grocery store. There was an elderly Asian man buying Bananas that were about to go bad. You know the ones in the plastic wrap that they seperate from the fresh bananas and put on the clearance rack. Anyways they were like $1.19 or something like that and the old man was counting out his nickles and pennies to pay for the bananas.

It was clear that he didnt have the money in change to pay for the bananas and he looked at the check out lady with a face like, "Ok what do I do now? I dont have the money."

I already had my wallet out because I was just getting a case of water and got out a buck and handed it to the cashier. Thinking I was doing the right thing because all this guy wanted was some soon to go bad bananas and a buck to him would probably be worth more than it would be to me. So she took the buck and showed the man that there was now enought money. He took the dollar and handed it back to me.

He then proceeded to take the change on the counter and put it back in his pocket and from his other pocket pulled out, I would estimate, about $5000 in cash. I mean it was just a stack of $100s and $50s and $20s. So he handed her a $20 and she checked it to make sure it was real and he got his bananas and left.

Man I felt like shit after that for insulting that old guy.

LOL

CRX Forum

Projectile

A few years back I was driving through a shitty neighbourhood when this fragile looking old man ran out almost into my driving path. I simply swerved around him and continued thinking about my little problems. When I finally thought about why he had ran out a few hours later I realised he was being mugged/raped/beaten up by a group of kids and was trying to signal help. Had I thought about him for a second instead of myself I could of saved him.

Be glad your atleast thinking of other peoples welfare more than others would.

Cuatela

It's better to help someone and not be appreciated than not help at all. You'll definately have other chances...just learn from the past.

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