I am a shithead
 

The woman in front of me was buying a few basic things – beans, eggs , milk, etc. She had her little girl with her. It was clear that they spoke very little English. When the cashier told her the total, she carefully counted out her money, and didn’t have enough. So she asked the cashier to take a few things off. Back over the scanner they went– BEEP! milk, BEEP! Beans, etc until she could afford her purchase.

In my head, I boldly told the cashier, “Put that on my bill,” as I swiped my ATM card through the machine.

But in real life, I did nothing.

Why? Because I couldn’t afford it? Hell no. My reason was stupid. I stood there and dithered, and let a moment to help slip away because I was afraid of offending the woman. I knew nothing about her or her culture, and was afraid that she’d misinterpret my action.

How stupid. A little girl didn’t get any milk because I was afraid of offending her mother. I want to kick my own ass right now.

You're not a shithead, your are just cautious as our present culture has taught you to be. Good intentions are not always recieved well in this brave new world.

I have been cussed out for holding doors open for women, or standing aside so they could enter a building first. Stopping to help a woman with a flat tire is a possible entanglement with the police, or pepper spray.

Many people today just can't believe that a stranger would do something nice for them with no ulterior reason.

I find it sad but I understand why you did as you did.

Clavus, there will always be a next time when a similar situation arises which will provide you with an opportunity to step-up and help them out. You can always donate some groceries to your local food bank.

For me personally, helping out others in need is just common sense, and I have never been on the receiving end of rude remarks after helping someone out. Don’t let those who aren’t appreciative of your assistance stop you from ever helping out another fellow human being in need.

I'll echo HeyAgain's post. I've been in numerous situations where I've beaten myself up because I "turned left instead of right". As strange as this sounds...I predict that you are going to find yourself in a <b>very</b> similar situation in the not to distant future. At that moment...you will <b>know</b> how to react, and do it. I've been there and done that on a few seperate occasions, that I can think of right now. The universe is weird that way.

I walked into the grocery store about a month ago and there was this little old lady, must have been eighty, all bent over and trying to free a cart from the others in the line. Not thinking much about it, I took one from another stack, wheeled it over to her, and said, "here you go." I don't even know why I looked at her, but the look in her eyes was priceless. I felt like superman for the rest of the day.

The point is, Clavus, that life will give you plenty of unexpected opportunities to provide a little boost to somebody. Don't let anyone tell you what is appropriate or not, etc. What's appropriate is that you always have good intentions and are aware of those around you - at the end of the day thats what matters.

I think that just because you THOUGHT of doing it makes you an unshithead.
The people around where I live are so busy and caught up in themselves that you hardly see anyone helping out someone else (of course there are exceptions).
I wouldn't even give it a second thought.

we all talk the talk about helping people but where the rubber meets the road is really the point.

Yes, you missed one opportunity, but did you stop and think about the other opportunities that you did take the road less traveled?

We all have those moments of missing an opportunity, but we still do find the right time and place to make the difference.

My wife grew up like that little girl, she actually hated that people went out of their way for them because she didn't want to be different than eveyrone else. They made it somehow.

So maybe this time it was the right thing to do. Because the little girl was there... who knows.

But you'll have other opportunities to help your fellow human being.

Don't get down on yourself - unfortunately our culture has made you that cautious, but like others have said there are plenty of other people in the world who wouldn't have even given it a thought. We've all missed opportunities like that. I use those missed opportunities to make sure I don't miss them the next time. Just think abuot how you felt after this next time an opportunity comes and you'll find it really easy to forget about thinking about it and just do it. :)

I made a journal entry just now that actually applies to this very well: http://tfproject.org/tfp/journal.php...20Live%20By...

Unshithead is now my new favorite word.

I agree though. Most people would probably have been standing there impatiently, pissed off that she was holding up the line.

You unshithead.

-Mikey

Same here. I've held doors open for women, just because it was the way I was raised, and I've seen two different reactions to it. This first one is exactly like rockogre said, they get angry and yell. The second is they are shocked that someone would hold the door for them.

It's really sad that common courtesy has taken a back seat to PC bullshit, but I don't blame you for what you did. The mere fact that you thought about doing that puts you well above many people out there.

Clavus I for one applaud the fact that you at least wanted to help her out. You didn't only because you were trying to spare her feelings. I think this is a wonderful thing. Not enough people are willing to help others out anymore. It seems to be a more "dog-eat-dog" world which, to me, is very sad.
Thank you for reaffirming my faith that there are good people out there still! :)

I wouldn't have offered, because of the mom probably being pissed. I have noticed that people that can't afford stuff like that tend to not take charity very kindly. I can't blame them though. I probably wouldn't either.

Well, the fact that you even considered it probably puts you ahead of most people in our society.

To quote Ozzy:
Good intentions pave the way to hell.

And Yoda:
Do or do not. There is no try.

And Jim Kata:
Unshithead. :)

I once offered a 20 pound turkey that I got for free from work as a Christmas present to a family who lived in the same apartment building as I did. They looked at me as if I was insane, and walked away without saying a word. Later found out (the headgear should have been a clue) that they were Indian (from India), Hindu, and vegetarian. I was told that they considered it an insult to be offered food from a stranger. Oops. Hooda thunkit?

No, you aren't. Do it next time. It will be just as good.

It feels good to help people. You will like it. Jump right into it.

I say: "Fuck your culture, you're in America." and do as I was taught.

Me.. my saving grace was to trash a dude that was drunk trying to force a girl into his car for some fun.. cops arrest him.. she slaps me..

three days later she come crying and saying thanks.. guy was a porole violator.. and was wanted for agraveted rape from two years ago.. heh..

i always help peps.. way i was brought up.. although i do get dised at times.. deep inside it still feels worth it..

I open doors.. carry groceries.. and such.. visit nursing homes.. im everyones grand child.. makes me cry at times after i leave.. but the elderly people .. thier day was brighter for it.

buddy....... i beg you to assure me this is a failure at being funny???

Personally, I would probably be offended is someone assumed that I was so helpless that they had to buy my groceries.

You aren't a shithead, either way.

Past assholes make us pay.
And current attitudes make us prey.

No one appreciates a nice gesture anymore,
they are so used to being shit upon, that they react as if they don't deserve it.

Goes back to my orginal arguement,
where have the manners gone?

And manners mean being able to receive gracefully,
as well as give.

Sorry clavus. Meant to post and forgot… Bones’ words threw me way off.

You’re not a shithead for the fact that you CARE.

This is one thing about this bullshit politically correct dogma.

If you try to be polite, especially to a lady, you are being rude.

It is fucking lame.

I’ve had my moments I’ve skipped helped and felt horrible. Now I remember and try my best. Better than some people..

I should point out that I STILL hold doors for ladies. Help small children find lost puppies, offer to change tires for women on the highway, and practice the manners I was taught as a child. If none of us try to keep this kind of civilization alive it will die.

The very fact that it bothers you that you did nothing shows that your mind is in the right place. Next time offer. You may get shot down but at least you tried.

I'll agree with the general theme of the other posters which is, " learn from this time and do it right the next time." And yes I agree that just thinking of doing it makes you an unshithead and better than 96% of the others out there.

Don't let the bastards bring you down.

I was broke as hell and hadn't eaten for a whole day once.
A guy from my university asked me if I wanted to go and eat something. I'd spoken to him before, but didn't know his name.
I told him I couldn't afford it.

The guy gave me 20 bucks. Suddenly, I had food for three days, and I was no longer stranded in city.

I'll never forget it. If you get offended by stuff like that, then you're not an unshithead.

what rockogre said.

fuck society and law. human instinct can be a beautiful thing at times.

Clavus, I have to say that I understand your prediciment. It is possible that she would have been offended by your well meaning charity. But ultimately, that is her problem, if she can't accept a genuine gesture of kindness.

In all probability she would have joyfully accepted your charity. Next time you're in that kind of situation, screw all the pc bullshit. If she really doesn't want charity, she will turn down your offer, and will hopefully realise that your intentions were in the right place. If she doesn't, well, thats her problem.

Just today for instance, I offered to help an older lady carry a bag of potatoes out to her car from a supermarket. My offer was recieved with the most hideous glare from her, giving out the message that I was being rude to somehow imply that she may have difficulty carrying a bag. Of course she didn't say this. She just muttered "no thank you". But I knew what that really meant. My point is, that I'm just going to put this down as difficulty on her part. It certainly isn't going to stop me making similar offers in the future!

People should be able to accept kindness, or decline an offer with grace.

OK. OK. Maybe I am an unshtithead. But it makes one think.

We all say that we would dash into the burning building to save a people inside. But would we really? Would we stand outside and wonder if its too late to help...until it really is? Would we assume that the fire department is on the way, and rationalize our way out of saving a life?

Opportunities are fleeting. He who hesitates may not be a shithead, but he's no hero either.

I know that I would have done the exact same as you, Clavus. I would think about reacting, about doing something, about the various ways it could be received, and probably in the end do nothing. I think in part my inaction would stem from my low confidence. I would fear rejection, or looking stupid. I would let that override my desire to help someone and make a difference. It's lame. I'm in that void between unshithead and anti-hero too.

What this has done is put you in to a space where you are now primed with action, you have a well thought out position, and a series of pre-considered arguments regarding that action. And it has been used as a forum for others to put themselves into the same place where a chance with a small window of opportunity will more likely be explored differently. Really win-win Clavus.

I always remember as a young fellow walking by a woman who had stopped on the street and held her forehead as if in pain - I was afraid I would be intruding on her moment and so never broke stride. I have used that non-intervention different times over the years as a reason to take a minute to ask if a hand can be given. It usually works out well.

....................

I feel for ya mate - I've been in similar situations. Whilst I've never had women tell me off for holding doors open etc, I've heard many tales from people who have, and I still can't quite beleive that people could possibly take offence to simple politeness. I hold the door open for anyone if needed. I do sometimes stand back and let ladies board trains etc first, and, to date, they have either said thank you or ignored me.

As for your situation - Like they have all said. Be nice. Some people will throw it back at you, some people will glare at you with a "how dare you infer...", but most will either accept, or politely refuse. Either way, you'll feel good for having offered, and, even if they refuse, you have shown them that you care, and that's got to be worth something.

When I first started reading I 'projected' what a shithead would do as I read.

A shit head would have bitched about how long it was taking, and acted put out.

So no you are not a shit head.

Yep, I thought you meant that you screamed at her asking her to leave the counter or something.

:) and I would agree with Ustwo, and majority of the others.. you're not a shithead

This just makes me think of that line from Batman Begins again... "Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." Charity has its time and its place, but I don't think this was it. I don't think you would have been doing anybody any favors by paying for their groceries. Everybody has rough times, and to have some stranger step in and assume that they are saving you from something you can fix yourself does a lot more damage than having to go without milk for a week. It deprives you of an opportunity to do something for yourself and it makes you feel forever indebted (and often inferior) to the people who "helped" you. I know; I've been there. (Also, I don't see how the fact that they spoke little English is relevant to the fact that they were short on cash. Would it have been easier to decide what to do if they spoke English perfectly?)

Next time it happens, if you really want to help AND pay for the groceries, just buy the groceries they leave behind, hand them over to the family outside of the store and say you accidentally paid already and you don't want to go back into the store to return them. You can even leave the bag of groceries on the ground if they are too stunned or embarrassed to take them. If they really need it, they'll take it when you leave.

nice SC... nice... saves them face, something asians seem to know plenty about.

Clavus, have you been able to do different in the 2 years that this thread lay dormant?

i've actually done this...but i've had people turn down my offer, and a few seemed somewhat off put that i tried...and i've had people who really appriciated it.

maybe you figure out a good food shelf in your area to donate to...maybe you put some time in to anti-poverty work, or do something the next time around... but yeah...the awareness, and thinking about this makes you pretty unshithead in my book.

When I worked in downtown San Franciso, I would put dried fruit or cans of food in my backpack and when the homeless stopped me for money, I would hand them something to eat. Usually it was ok, but quite a few times the homeless would say things like, "damn lady, just give me some money..." I knew they were either gonna score smack or a bottle of NightTrain. Very sad. Don't give up....you have a good heart and it's all about compassion.

Do unto others is the only totally universal law in all religions and philosophies... Peace to you brother. :) Thanks for being a caring person.

I had a similar thing happen to me at the grocery store. There was an elderly Asian man buying Bananas that were about to go bad. You know the ones in the plastic wrap that they seperate from the fresh bananas and put on the clearance rack. Anyways they were like $1.19 or something like that and the old man was counting out his nickles and pennies to pay for the bananas.

It was clear that he didnt have the money in change to pay for the bananas and he looked at the check out lady with a face like, "Ok what do I do now? I dont have the money."

I already had my wallet out because I was just getting a case of water and got out a buck and handed it to the cashier. Thinking I was doing the right thing because all this guy wanted was some soon to go bad bananas and a buck to him would probably be worth more than it would be to me. So she took the buck and showed the man that there was now enought money. He took the dollar and handed it back to me.

He then proceeded to take the change on the counter and put it back in his pocket and from his other pocket pulled out, I would estimate, about $5000 in cash. I mean it was just a stack of $100s and $50s and $20s. So he handed her a $20 and she checked it to make sure it was real and he got his bananas and left.

Man I felt like shit after that for insulting that old guy.

LOL

CRX Forum

A few years back I was driving through a shitty neighbourhood when this fragile looking old man ran out almost into my driving path. I simply swerved around him and continued thinking about my little problems. When I finally thought about why he had ran out a few hours later I realised he was being mugged/raped/beaten up by a group of kids and was trying to signal help. Had I thought about him for a second instead of myself I could of saved him.

Be glad your atleast thinking of other peoples welfare more than others would.

It's better to help someone and not be appreciated than not help at all. You'll definately have other chances...just learn from the past.

Yes. If they spoke perfect English, I would have felt more comfortable about the situation. I would have more confidence in my ability to understand and communicate should things turn wierd.

If that makes me a racist in anybody's book, so be it.

a fair statement, speaking louder in english doesn't help get your point across any better if they weren't able to communicate with a common tongue.

I've had a few encounters of a similar nature.

About two years ago, I had stopped at a MacDonalds for lunch. It was early for lunch, and it was slow. A man wearing a strange combination of clothes--a suit jacket, pocket t-shirt, mismatched casual pants, and auqa sox came in and tried to get three small orders of fries. After ringing it up and counting out change, it turned out that the man didn't have enough money. I could overhear the conversation as the man discussed what he could afford, and it soon became apparent that he had precisely $1.92, with which he hoped to buy three food items.

There was an elederly couple loitering outside the far entry. This couple was often at this particular restaurant and would ask people to buy them some food as the people would go in. It became clear that the young man was new to this little group, and was chosen to go in and buy for the three of them because he was the most presentable. But even at MacDonalds, $1.92 doesn't buy much. I watched, fascinated, and a little saddened by the scene of a man trying to buy a meal for three people for less than two dollars. I felt sorry for him, but didn't consider going to help, partly because I was afraid of embarrasing him, but mostly because I'm extraordinarily shy and awkward around others. I didn't want to risk embarassing myself. While I was considering what I'd do if I had more confidence, a young woman approached the man and said, "Ecxuse me sir, I think you may have dropped this," handed him a bill and left the restaurant. With the $5 she gave him and the money he already had, he had enough money to buy three double cheeseburgers and three small fries.

I felt like I was about an inch tall. While I had been watching the scene as if it were a real life drama, this young woman had quickly arrived at an elegant solution that allowed the man some dignity, even with everyone involved knowing exactly what was happening.

I don't eat there often, but a few months later, as I was going in, the old man asked if I'd get them some food, I said sure. It was just the two of them, so I asked if they wanted a chicken sandwitch or a hamburger (both on the dollar menu) and he said it didn't matter. I got one of each, and a small fries, and asked that those be put into a separate bag from my order, and gave them to the couple as I exited. The next time I went in there, a couple of weeks later, the manager approached me and asked me not to get food for the homeless people outside any more. I've made a point of patronizing the Wendy's across the street ever since. I sometimes run into the homeless couple, and I still buy them a little something to eat when I do.

Flash forward to last week. I'm in line at Popeye's, and a dirty, rusty old pair of pliers is thrust in front of me, and a man in ragged clothes says, "I'll give you this for a piece of chicken." I recoiled a bit, because he was aggressive, and because I still have . . . issues with aggressive men. I very quietly said no, and he proceeded to make the same offer to every person in line. Until he came upon a college aged woman near the front who said she'd get him something to eat. She added a chicken wing, $0.99 to her order, and upoin getting her reciept, turned to go sit down to wait for her order. The man proceeded to get belligerant, asking the woman first if she was leaving, then the counter girl if she knew the extra piece was for him, then the first girl if she'd told the counter girl that the extra was for him, and then telling the counter girl the extra was separate, and so forth for the next several minutes until her order came up. The counter girl bagged the extra piece seperately, gave it to the girl who'd bought it, who gave it to the man. He didn't so much as say thank you, and I was glad I hadn't agreed to buy the man something because of his subsequent behavior.

I don't really know what the point of the above is. I still don't know how to act in such situations, partly because I'm so easily intimidated in public places where I don't feel secure, and partly because I'm such an asocial introvert that I just want to be left alone most of the time, but I still want to help people.

One more. One of our tenants works at a Krispy Kreme donut shop. I remember her telling us about the homeless people who hang out there sometimes, hoping to get discards. The shoppe makes large quantities of donuts each night based on projected sales, and each evening donuts that are beyond a certain age are discarded. This used to be a bonanza for the people who would go dumpster diving, and our tenant, a very nice young Filipino woman who grew up very poor, made the mistake of just giving the discards to some homeless people one night instead of throwing them in the dumptster and was reprimanded for it. They've since at this store taken the extra step of padlocking both the dumpster enclosure and the dumpster itself to prevent dumpster diving. And I have to wonder what's wrong with just giving away your stale old donuts instead of throwing them away. It makes no sense to me. And yet, because I'm sometimes intimidated by and have in the past done nothing about this myself, it feels hypocritical.

I'm not sure what the point of all the above is, as it seems rather random and disconnected. I want to do the right thing, but I don't want to risk my safety, and the encounter with the man at Popeye's gives me the impression that it might not be safe.

That's all a big mess of jumbled thoughts and impressions. I have no idea what my point is.

Supple Cow: that seems an elegant and thoughtful way to handle things.

Think of it this way: Because of your willingness to evaluate the situation, you are better prepared to act on 100 other future opportunities. Bingo! The world is a better place already!
Regardless of how it may be perceived, that is not on you (as long as you attempt to be sensitive, and from your postings, it doesn't sound like that'd be a problem).

"In accepting the gift, you honor the giver."
"Stranger in a Strange Land"

I think that's the best line Heinlin (sp?) ever wrote.

Wow, hard topic. The best charity is helping the person be able to make a living. The next best is anonymous in my book, that they do not have any shame in accepting. It is hard to say what you did is wrong, since I would not feel that it was. A Jewish saying is to embarrass someone is to kill them. To try to help someone in that situation can embarrass them. The only solution is to offer perhaps a loan, no deadline. But either way, on the spot I would remain quiet as well.

I have one story to tell, when I used to go out with a co-worker for meals, we would bag our leftovers, and offer it to the homeless. Once we were walking about to hand some to some man on the street, and he asked what it was. We told him some chicken.. He said “no thanks I had chicken yesterday.” No clue how the story fits, but it somehow does in my head.

I wouldn't know how to act either, but the 'I think you dropped this' method is really cool. I hope some day I might be able to use it.

I live in a relatively small town of less than 20,000 and it feels like you almost know or know someone who knows just about everyone. Chances are somewhat good that you'll see these people again, so I wonder how that would influence our decisions knowing that these people may know us.

Our society is really bent on minding our own business and not looking our for others. Wish it could be otherwise.

At least we can make a difference 1 at a time...

I would have done and thought the same thing you did. I would have felt akward.

A real shithead would have farted in line (Silent But Deadly) -and then blamed it on the little girl.

Thanks for posting this. I have been in your shoes.

Wow, what an old thread. As a grocery checker, I see people helping each other out from time to time. Mostly around the holidays for some reason. I've seen someone bend over and pretend to 'find' a $20 bill and say 'here, I think you dropped this.' I'm sure the person being helped knew it wasn't theirs but smiled and said thank you.

A couple of days ago a very senior citizen couldn't remember his pin number (my boss was trying to help him with the debit machine) The next lady paid for his $30. The old man said, 'but I have money, I don't need help.' I whispered to my boss to tell him "that's okay, now it's YOUR turn to go help someone else." It worked, he smiled and said he would.

Wow. Ancient thread. I was surprised to see that I was the one who started it. I thought some other shithead out there was confessing his fecal-headedness.