Onomatopoeia

So I have this theory I've been holding to for a few years now that you stop making good, close friends after a certain age and that either you're lucky enough to live near the folks you grew up with (or met in your late teens/early twenties) OR you end up settling for new friendships that, while nice, exist really so that you have people to physically hang out with and not because you have that much in common or a close bond. Anybody else feel me on this?

Seaver

No. I moved to Chicago at 25 not knowing a single person within 400 miles. It took 6 months or so but I found an absolute great group of friends.

Try joining a Sports & Social Club, they're full of mostly young professionals... many of whom moved to a new city for work and are pretty much as anxious to find a group of friends as you might be.

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snowy

Rec sports is a great way to make friends. My city has various sports leagues--some classics, like softball and volleyball, and some less traditional, like dodgeball and Ultimate Frisbee.

Volunteering for something is another way to get to know new people.

Also, reaching out to neighbors or hanging out at the local pub invariably means meeting new people.

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amonkie

I think you have to be more purposeful to meet people as you get older, as your circle becomes more comfortable.

I joined a volunteer organization to meet new people. It has been a success so far.

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Bonkai

It depends on how determined you are to keep in touch with the people you know or drive to make new friends. Though I think that stop somewhere close to 50 excluding friends you may make at work. Assuming of course.

genuinegirly

Sounds very similar to a friend of mine. He was convinced that peoples' "friend quota" was filled by the time they were thirty. Like you, he found it difficult to make lasting friendships when he moved to a new area with his young family.

I called it then, and I call it now: Bull-dung. Everyone wants close friends. Everyone has room for more. You just need to place yourself in the appropriate social situations to find them.

In high school and college, we go from course to course, interacting with hundreds of people every day that are our age and share our interests. When given these situations we do not develop the social skills required to find friends without these forced interactions.

The others in this thread have made some excellent suggestions. I hope that you cease your pity party and follow their words of wisdom.

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jewels

I'm not so sure about that. I acquired my closest friends when I was in my early 40s.

From my perspective, it seems that as we move into careers, jobs and families, we're surrounded by co-workers, neighbors and our kids' parents, if we have children. Although we may have our lifestyles in common, we now have other belief systems (i.e. politics and philosophies) that we didn't when we were younger. Differences in those may keep us from forming bonds with those co-workers and neighbors. For me, it was okay to go to parties or events with these people, but I found it difficult to bond with most parents whose philosophies and ideals were so different from mine.

So while it may be difficult to form those bonds we had when we were young and carefree, it is possible to form them when we find others that share traits that become important to us as adults.

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Xazy

Sorry I have a number of close friends, and probably 3-4 of them all have been in the last 7 years.

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RogueGypsy

I think we're just much more forgiving of those we grew up with. Because, well, we grew up with them and there's a certain comfort associated with that.

I'm probably a little different than most in that I never really had a lot of 'friends'. I always had a huge social circle, people to hang out with, people I would introduce as "My friend .........." but only one or two were ever really friends. You know, someone to call when you need help disposing of a body or drinking Tequila 'til the dawn. A real friend.

As I moved through my 30's into my 40's I slowly shed all of the 'social friends' and have only kept the real friends. I move around a lot, so they're spread around the country. But I know those friends will always be there, whether it's been a day or a decade, they're always there with a shovel at the ready and a bottle, so to speak.

I've found life much easier this way. No one's pussy hurt because I went fishing with Bob instead of skiing with Joe.

I think; that through out life you meet a very limited number of people who are truly your friends. People who when you meet, it feels like you've known forever and have an immediate level of comfort and understand with. The rest of the people we call friends are just social acquaintances we seek out to avoid being alone, when a real friend is unavailable.

I met my most recent friend when I was 40, so no, I'm not feelin' you on this one.






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LordEden

I am a very social person, so if I go a bar on a regular basis, I end up meeting people I like and want to hang out with. That's how I met most of the friends I have now by hanging out with one bartender and then meeting the group of friends he has.

It's hard to make friends if you don't TRY and make friends. Go out and do something, join a club, stop by a gamestop/comic book store, volunteer for something, check cragislist for local events, just be social.

I don't think you ever stop making friends, it's just not as easy as it was in college/HS and people don't want to try that hard.

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EventHorizon

i think its all about shared experiences. the more stuff that you go through with the same people, the closer you'll be to them. high school and college are the two easiest places to make friends because you either have drama and parents to deal with, or you have drama and landlords to deal with and you have no choice but to have someone else going through it with you. look for something that really scares the shit out of you in an ad (skydiving?) and go take a lesson next to a bunch of people. it'll give you something to talk about and you guys will all be doing it together

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TigerBlood

OP, I can kinda see where you're going with this. I miss my friends from my hometown when I was a teenager, and my siblings and cousins. I moved away but they all stayed, and now I feel left out of the group. However, when I go home, we can talk like no time has passed.

I'm haven't made any lasting friendships since. Had a few roommates here and there that sorta became the default "going out buddies", but never kept in touch with any of them. The only thing we had in common was a shared address and love of booze anyway.

Every once in a while I have a little pity party for myself because I have no close friends, but then I remember that I almost always (like 99%) prefer to be either alone or with my SO. I get quite a lot of human interaction at work, and am thankful for the break in the evenings and on the weekends.

I am thinking of signing up for an art class at a local gallery to meet some people with similar interests that I can chat with. Making a new friend that I have something in common with might be nice.

dlish

ill be quite honest and say that ive made more friends here at TFP in the last 6 years than in the last 4 years having moved countries. i'm 33.

the expat community here is fickle, and one day someone is here, and within a week they can be gone. People come and go, and its hard to become attached to someone you've known for a few months, weeks or days. facebook helps, but its not the same as having someone in the flesh you can confide in.

Ive made 3 really good friends in real life here in Dubai ( all expats), the rest of the people are just people that move in and out of your life. They stop and rest under your shade for a while, before they move on in their life. sometimes you dont know if it's you that is seeking their shade or vice versa.

i think ive also become picky with my friends the last few years and i dont associate with people i dont like or feel comfortable with. sure we can have a chat, but i see those sort of people once every while. i think i learnt that poisonous people that are out to make a point and hurt you are not worth my time or effort, so ive learnt to be wary and keep away from strangers. that may be a bad thing to meet new friends, but im also comfortable with the 'quota' that ive currently got. it's 'manageable'.

Ultimately, I find solace in my own loneliness. it gives me time to think things through and lets me pick and choose the people i want in my life. But at some point when i feel i need to speak to someone there always is someone i can count on either here or back home.

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Patrin

One or two really close, long-term friends, like you say in your post dlish, to count on. Maybe that's the most important type of friendship? That seems to work great for me and I'm lucky to have one such friend and comrade-in-arms (so to speak) for almost 20 years. We live several hundred miles apart, but we both know we're available to the other and we keep in touch through phone and email.

raging moderate

Going through these posts, I can see people's point in various places, but at the end of the day I do have to agree with the OP. I think it is significantly harder to make friends with people once you pass through HS/College and into "real life" because most people DON'T move away from everyone and start anew. For those of us that do, it can be difficult. I definitely agree with the "join the rec sports" theory as that has been very successful for me in places I've lived, but only in those that have been cities. Now I live in the country with my darling wife and newborn child and it's VERY difficult to get any social time at all, and the spare time we DO have is often devoted to vegetating. So, yeah, I hear ya.

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ZombieSquirrel

I'm a social person, but I'm also a very private person. I can make friends that I would call drinking buddies, but not close friends. It takes ne awhile to fully open myself up to someone. I'm going through one of the worst experiences of my life right now, but I only talk to my closest friends about that. No fault of anyone in Oregon. I just don't trust someone with my raw emotions right away. It's just who I am.

My closest friends are not in Oregon, but that could change. I have to allow it though. I have plenty of reasons to cry, but I save that for people who have already seen me cry and know the right things to sat to calm me down.

I have known cinn since middle school and she knows me better than anyone else because she has been there for me through some really awful times in my life. I will never meet someone who knew me when my parents were alive or before MS. She held me and comforted me the night my mother died. She stayed with me at the hospital and watched bad tv with me when I was diagnosed with MS. She calls me on my bullshit and loves me in spite of that bullshit. She may live with some weirdo in one of the Carolinas, but I still love her.

The joys of the interweb and unlimited minutes allow me to stay connected with my Ohio friends. I don't need to open myself up to anyone right a way. I call/email/text my dear old friends when I feel shitty. They know me and that really comforts me.

So long story short, I get what the OP is taking 'bout. Everyone is different though.

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