clavus

"Dad, I have poop on my shirt."

"What?"

My seven-year-old did indeed have poop on his shirt. His poop. Something horrible happened in the bathroom. As the only conscious adult in the house, it was my responsibility to deal with it, despite the fact that I had only been up long enough to start the coffeemaker.

I don't want to go into specifics here, but by kid was "not acting responsibly" in the bathroom. It happens from time to time. I can't wrap my head around it, but for some reason he will randomly ass out in the bathroom: spit on the mirror, smear toothpaste on the towel, etc. As punishment, he has to clean up the mess.

So we had a little talk. Then I grabbed the little basket of bathroom cleaning supplies, and handed it to him.

He knew the drill.

I plodded back downstairs, contemplating my obvious failures as a parent, and started a load of laundry.

The coffee was brewed. I poured a cup. But before I could sample the precious brown nectar of life, I became overwhelmed with a smell. It was not the smell of poop. It was not the smell of coffee. It was the smell of bleach.

Dread wrapped it's icy fingers around my heart. I should very definitely not be smelling bleach.

The bathroom-cleaning-punishment-basket is supposed to be relatively safe. But someone (I won't go into any names here, but they are married to me) had removed the safe-for-kids-to-use cleaner from the caddy and replaced it with a bleach-based chemical weapon.

I am in no way blaming my lovely wife for this. I am the one who handed my kid bleach. And OH MY GOD how he used it.

My lovely wife recently purchased two bathroom rug thingamabobs. The first is a bathmat sort of rug that sits in front of the sink. It soaks up stray toothpaste. The second is a "U" shaped device that slips around the base of the toilet. It soaks up other things. But today, both of these new bathroom rug items were soaking up bleach.

Given that the washing machine was already running a load poop-shirt laundry, I did my best to rinse the rugs out in the sink. While I rinsed, I reflected on the sad fact that I STILL had no coffee in my system, and I was undoubtedly the WORST father in the world. And what in the name of all that is holy is that SOUND? A popping and hissing sound: it was loud enough to be heard over the washing machine, the faucet and the voices in my head.

And why did I smell burning plastic?

Because my coffee maker was on fire, that's why.

Yes, my coffeemaker was sitting there with a full pot of freshly-brewed coffee on the hotplate and smoke pouring out from all sides of the machine. The noise I heard was the electrical fire raging inside.

If you are looking for an small appliance that might destroy your home and kill you with fire, let me suggest the Cuisinart Classic 12-Cup Programmable Coffeemaker.

After I removed the counter-top death machine, and aired out he house, I called Cuisinart let them know that their product had gone all Jihad on me. They were most apologetic. They even went so far as to offer me a replacement. I politely declined. A second incendiary device? No thank you.

It's like my mom always said - "Try to kill me with fire once, shame on you. Try to kill me with fire twice, shame on me."

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Hotmnkyluv

That's awesome! It sounds like every other Tuesday at my house!

noodle

I <3 you, clavus.
And I'm really glad you don't live in my house.
You'd make a cool next-door neighbor, though.

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Charlatan

He'd make a good fodder for a sitcom...

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MSD

Remind me again why you don't have your own TV show?

Fremen

At least he didn't draw hieroglyphics on the bathroom wall with the poop, amiright?

Thanks for the early morning smile, clavus.

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Jove

Did your son provide a reason as to why poop was on his shirt?

sweet release

lol okay.

hehehe

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I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you, it's hard to find release and people can be so cold.

The_Jazz

Awesome, clavus. Thanks.

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jadangel

I don't care who you are...that shit is funny....lol....

rmarshall

I would have taken the replacement coffee maker. Cuisinart is a good company. We have a Cuisinart bread maker.
But I love our Breville Keurig machine.

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amonkie

Can you calla them back and request the replacement? If you aren't going to use it... it could be donated to a TFP Fire experiment lab.

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Starkizzer

OMG, this has me laughing so hard I am crying.

What a way to start off the day.

I think you need to devise something more deliciously evil for your kid as punishment, ON TOP of him having to clean up his mess.

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clavus

Most of my friends have given me a hard time about rejecting the offer of a free coffeemaker. But I look at it like this: If you sent back your soup because you found a condom floating in it, would you accept a replacement bowl?

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TheCrimsonGhost

I feel your pain. I have a 3 year old girl, and there is some fascination with the bathroom at this age. I put the little kid proof door knob on there, and it took her 5 minutes to figure it out. There is always something for her to need to be in the bathroom for, it's unnatural! She has been potty trained since 1 and a half, and she will go in there, look right at her little kid toilet, and then proceed to climb up on the full size and fall in. Always good times to be had in the bathroom.

rmarshall

You're not alone. Check out the complaints about fires with Cuisinart coffee makers.

Consumer complaints about Cuisinart

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"Do not resent growing old. Many are denied the privilege" Irish proverb

TheCrimsonGhost

Wow, there are a lot of people with cuisinart fire stories

clavus

Sure, but I'm the only guy to lead into the story with a poop incident.

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Fly

thanks clavus........always enjoy your reads.

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Willravel

Upvote.

bagatelle

OMG, reading the first time gave me a vision of your son putting bleach in your coffee...

That would have been another kind of twist in the story...

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counterpoint

Oh, that sounds like such an interesting story! Reminds me of my times babysitting my little siblings!

To this day, I do not make macaroni 'n cheese, nor do I trust myself after nearly burning the stove down. Add butter and milk AFTER the noodles are cooked. Instructions are amazing when you read them.