shut the fuck up
 

A lot of people ask me, "clavus,should I shut the fuck up?" To clear up
any confusion, and avoid hurt feelings, I created this handy list of people
who should, without delay, shut the fuck up. Feel free to print this list and
save it for future reference.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are an executive who makes over $1,000,000 per year, and you want the tax-payers to bail out your poorly-run company, shut the fuck up. You are clearly missing at least one obvious place to cut expenses.

If you are “allegedly the voice of” any deposed third-world terrorist shithead,
shut the fuck up.

If you profess to be against irradiated food, and you own a microwave oven,
shut the fuck up.

If you think there is a good reason for Daylight Savings Time, shut the fuck up.

If you drive a car that gets less than 20 miles per gallon, and you complain about gasoline prices, shut the fuck up.

If you feel that yelling at me is the best way to get me to change my mind and sign your stupid petition, shut the fuck up.

If you are Mike Tyson, shut the fuck up.

If you promote “family values” and have a divorce, illegitimate kids, or a fondness for underage prostitutes, shut the fuck up.

If you think Creed rocks, shut the fuck up.

If you feel the urge to discuss the British Royal Family, shut the fuck up.

If you think that I’m a Democrat just because I don’t like George W. Bush,
shut the fuck up.

If you are “glad that Iraq started a guerrilla war,” shut the fuck up and
apologize to the friends and family of every single person who died in that
festering ass-zit of a country since the war “ended.”

If I can hear you talk at the movies, shut the fuck up.

If you think I care about baseball, shut the fuck up.

If you feel the urge to legislate what people do with their genitals, shut the
fuck up.

If you complain about the government, but don’t vote, shut the fuck up.

If you are an American who wears Doc Martens while protesting “globalization”, shut the fuck up.

If you are against genetically modified crops, and haven’t passed at least
one year of college-level bio-science, shut the fuck up.

If you begin a sentence with, “Long time listener, first time caller,” shut
the fuck up

Bravo....

Hey clavus- "long time reader, first time poster" :lol:
Seriously, great post! I'm going to print it and post at the shop!
Thanks.

I think there should even be a longer list :)

Nice work

file > print

Re: shut the fuck up
 

Including the friends and family of the hundreds of Iraqi casualties?

This is my favorite.

"If you profess to be against irradiated food, and you own a microwave oven, shut the fuck up."

If you can not pass 6th grade science, you are not qualified to have opinions about scientific issues. You CAN have opinions. You just aren't qualified to have them; so keep them to yourself.

Re: Re: shut the fuck up
 

seems he covered all bases there, I would assume 'every single person' means just that.

same

kind of bazarre but a good list

I'm sure we can all think of a few more that could be added to that list :D

this thread makes more sense than any i've seen lately...

Re: shut the fuck up
 

Excellent list! I cant say that I disagree with any item.


Personally, I would have written "If you ARE the government, shut the fuck up." But that would have cut your list in half.

Re: Re: Re: shut the fuck up
 

There hasn't even been hundreds of allied casualties since the war ended let alone Iraqi casualties.

love them all - awesome work Clavus.
thanks

Re: shut the fuck up
 

so its night now or day :?


the clue is in the title Daylight Savings Time

/me shuts the fuck up

That was great.

A few more of my own:

If every one of your discussions about politics ends with name calling, shut the fuck up.

If you feel the need to stop me on my way into class to tell me about your latest governmental conspiracy theory and I've never seen you before, shut the fuck up.

If you are riding in my car and have nearly had your license suspended multiple times but still feel the need to comment on my driving, shut the fuck up.

Re: Re: shut the fuck up
 

everyone

Re: shut the fuck up
 

Hmmm...after further consideration - If your job requires that you drive a truck or SUV, you get a pass on this one. I was thinking about my Dodge Durango- driving Mother-in-Law when I wrote this. It could be argued that she needs an SUV to haul her enormous ass, but that's another rant all together.

I hear you buddy!

If you come into my house/store/abode and feel the need to criticize the way I do things/arrange things, Shut the fuck up!

that is the best thing ever

I'll add one...

If the thought has never entered crossed your mind, that there isn't anything you don't know or have a valid yet uneducated opinion on... shut the fuck up.

(sigh)

moral relativists, they make me want to breathe smoke and spit fire.

That is poetry to my eyes.

Add this one:

If you complain about the weather year round.....SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Another possibility:

If you're a tv anchorman and you don't have any more facts to add, shut the fuck up!

If you have never experienced drugs or alcohol but still feel like you understand what they are all about and tell people they shouldn't do them, SHUT THE FUCK UP

:D :D :D Wow, that list had me rolling, you remind me of lewis black..and me..:)

Most enjoyable.

very nice

Re: Re: shut the fuck up
 

I would add, "If you even have the nerve to drive an SUV and you don't live in Montana, then shut the fuck up and get a car that people can see around in traffic, damn it!"

Quite right! How could I forget that one?

Here's another to add to the list -

If you think Jesus wrote the Bible in Olde English, STFU.

Great stuff Clavus.
As usual you have done a fine, smart and funny contribution to TFP.
I always look forward to your posts.

My only contribution to the rant is:
If you have never had to survive on Adult Public Assistance or food stamps and seem to feel the urge to tell people how comfy life is for people who have to...shut the fuck up.

"I am Clavus...hear me ROAR!"

Holy fucking shit. someone SEES the light!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

my contribution shall just simply be: You may relate, you may have the right to emphasize and give advice about an issue but if you've not experienced it first hand i say get a nice hot cup of STFU.

If you are Oprah and you continue to feel obligated to tell people that money can't buy happiness, shut the fuck up.

good stuff man, while I dont' agree with everything I have to commend you on what I do agree with, and for those that I dont' agree with well I suppose I commend you on that as well, not everyone sees eye to eye right?

"If every one of your discussions about politics ends with name calling, shut the fuck up."


change "every one" to "any" and this idea is perfect.



my addition: If you feel the need to denigrate all college educated people as being "book smart - street stupid" fools, then to you I suggest an intensive study of the Manual of How to Shut the Fuck up. If you can even read, that is.


greytone - thanks for the new addition to my sig quotes.

If you did not pay for your car or put no real effort into attaining it, and you say that someone else who payed for their car's is shitty... shut the fuck up.

If you are canadian... shut the fuck up.

If you say that it is someone else's fault that you are fat, and they did not surgically inject you with lard... shut the fuck up.

Aren't you a pleasant fellow...

I'd tell you to shut the fuck up!...but that might get me into trouble:D

If you are an ignorant fuck, shut the fuck up.

If you have poor grammar, please, for the love of god, don't post. In fact, don't write in any publically-available medium. Oh and, shut the fuck up!

If you have a heavy accent, stop speaking your fucking native language for a few years until it clears up if you ever expect to get any respect... or shut the fuck up!

can I make one up that goes for someone I know?

If you don't like it when someone "curses", yet you ask them to repeat themselves when they do... Shut the FUCK up.

I really liked all the additions to my list... until I came to this one.

I know everyone agrees with me, but I figured I'd just offer some extra praise. That was frickin hilarious.

Stiltzkin, go to France for a couple of years. See how happy you are if you never speak a word of English. Even if you do that, see how good your French is after a few years. I'll wager dollars to dimes that you still won't be able to pronounce 'rouge' or even 'France' correctly. Losing an accent isn't a matter of practice; sometimes it just won't happen. Whoever has the accent still probably speaks English better than you speak any other tongue at all.
The only exception is college lecturers. I'm having enough trouble understanding propositional logic in English; having it presented in something that's damned near Polish doesn't help. But then, I wish no harm to my lecturer; I just wish he'd find something to do besides try to teach me!

That rant aside, great thread! Clavus, I really wish I could get away with a signiature that long!

here comes the hammer.

IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO BLINDLY FLAME AND/OR MAKE FUN OF OTHERS AND THEIR HERITAGE/CULTURE/NATIONALITY/DISABILITY,

SHUT THE FUCK UP

consider this a warning. smart jokes are appreciated in this thread. dumb ones will earn the recognition of all of the mods on the tfp. you don't want our attention.

I agree with phredgreen on this one. I haven't witnessed alot of that type of stuff on this site so far.. I hope that is the last of it.

I would just add..


If you dont know, STFU.


great thread..

carry on.

Hey, I like that, STFU. And I agree with phred also. If you ain't got something good to say then STFU.

I agree with the voting on--STFU about the government if you don't vote!

Please read all of my posts twice from now on if this is how you want things to go down. I said, "if you have a HEAVY accent". I don't mind accents, I actually like most accents. Having a heavy accent after living in the USA for 10 years qualifies as ignorance and apathy to properly speak English. I'm Mexican and I had a heavy accent for many years when I was young, and I now have no accent at all. I know several other people who have done the same thing, so please don't try to tell me this nonsense. With enough effort anyone can utterly rid themselves of their accent, but this isn't what I was saying-- I was simply saying to get rid of your HEAVY accent, and turn it into something easier to understand. By the way, my French teacher actually complimented me frequently on my pronunciation while I was taking her classes.

If you weigh 400 lbs. and feel the need to tell me how fattening my hamburger is while you sip your Diet Coke, shut the fuck up!

I think I'll just STFU

nicely said

Re: shut the fuck up
 

:D

:cool:

http://www.members.shaw.ca/watsondb/pics/creedsucks.jpg

Sweet dude SWEET!

I overreacted, Stiltzkin. I'm sorry.

stiltzkin, if you did not mean anything harmfully racial by your comment.. i also appologize.. please consider that peeps do not know you, and can only go by what is typed.

much love, no hate.


carry on.

If your fuck has a hinged cover, a latch, and all the contents are falling out, shut the fuck up.

Hehehe. I'm guessing that Halx created that site himself, because it is hosted on th TFP server :thumbsup: I actually laughed when I read it-- I didn't laugh when I read that "weapons of mass destruction" nonsense at google; only found it mildly humorous. Anywho, it's so nice that the people at TFP have the gall to apologize:

Don't see that much in real life. No harm done, all is forgiven and forgotten, ya ken? :D :thumbsup:

I particularly enjoy Scottish accents, and right below that is Irish, then Australian, then Japanese, then Chinese, then British, and the list goes down. I guess I find Spanish/Mexican accents the most boring because I hear them all the time where I live. I wish I had a Scottish accent and could speak Japanese ::sighs::

Oh and... if you're a goth and you think you know everything about religion, please, for the love of Satan or whatever it is you blindly adore, shut the fuck up.

This is probably going to make me unpopular, but: RE: the Public Assistance STFU:

I work in an office that provides insurance to union workers... and these are a couple of peeves of mine.

If you are on public assistance/welfare/food stamps/disability, and walk into my office in a $300 suit driving a recent-model Mustang and tell me how much trouble you're having making rent, and you need me to push thru your claim even though you haven't bothered to properly complete the paperwork we need you to: STFU.

If you come into my office to sign up your family for insurance, can't be bothered to speak a -lick- of english, and bring in your 9 year old little girl to translate insurance-speak for your lazy a$$, STFU. (Poor kid didn't understand half of what I was trying to get across to her)

Great. Most of them are so true.

If you don't have a job and bitch about not making ends meet. STFU

If you work for the New York Times and claim to be a "news reporter," please, shut the fuck up.

If you have no knowledge of developmental psychology, developmental linguistics, or of pre-adolescent sensory-motor development, please, don't talk about people's accents. in the spirit of the thread, please, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

[addendum]Something you have to understand when it comes to linguistics involves the development of not only the speech mechanics, but also the speech recognition patterns in hearing. As any baby/child is raised around a certain language, certain patterns develop not only in how the words are spoken, but also in the way the words are processed, analyzed and recognized as such. Take for example the spanish language. The letter 's' is a sterling example. In the spanish language, very few, if any, words begin solely with the letter 's.' In fact, almost all words that would normally begin with the letter 's' in another language begin with 'es' in spanish. Now, when speaking another language, especially english, you will find that those whose first language is spanish will start words with 'es' when speaking english that begin with 's' when written. Yes, I am fluent in both English and Spanish, so I have an idea concerning the subject. The recognition of the letter 's' to the person whose first language is spanish considers it when spoken to always be a following letter, not a beginning letter in a word, which leads to what is commonly referred to as a mispronunciation or an accent. The only way to eliminate spoken accents in multilingual people, as proven by clinical case studies, is to raise from birth or young child, a human that hears both/all languages simultaneously and exclusively while growing up. IE, one parent speaks solely french to the child, and the other parent speaks only german. This is supported by large bodies of research.[/addendum]

I don't really need to go through this again, do I? Reading every post in a thread is often helpful. Please don't let your ignorance show, thanks.

sorry, just got done editing my post. and yes, I did read every post.

If you wanna be rude on the TFP.. STFU