NoSoup

So.... I don't even know where to begin.

Obviously, it's entirely plausible that my wife is pregnant - much to the chagrin of many of you, this isn't a thread about whether or not it's possible via my finger.

I'm not even sure what kind of responses I'm looking for. It's not much of a story. She was late (although on birth control - the patch) and she took a test. Positive. She took another test. Also Positive. Now we've made an appointment for her lady doctor, so I'm sure we'll know for certain soon enough.

However, I'm a bit numb right now. Anyone else have any insight into when you found out?

Granted, we always knew it was possible, but we figured the chances were pretty remote, being on birth control and all. I wonder why I can't hit odds like that at a casio or playing the lottery. As far as financial readiness and all that jazz, I think we'll be ok, I just can't get over the fact of how it feels like I had a relative plan for my life and how waaaaay of course it just went.

Additionally, I'd like to get some of your folks opinions - obviously, you're probably not experts, but that's probably still a hell of a lot closer than I am. Since the probable conception of this potential child, she has definately engaged in behaviors we definately would have avoided if it was planned. The night in question she was drinking, and she had probably 3 glasses of wine (one night) since then. Additionally, she has smoked (tobacco) and taken Tylonol (twice) and Alovert (for allergies-twice)

Should we be overly concerned? Obviously, until we know for certain she isn't even drinking caffiene, but this very well may be the longest night of my life...

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Manic_Skafe

Well, congrats.

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spindles

Personally, I wouldn't sweat it - heaps of kids in past generations survived parents drinking and smoking all through pregnancy. Obviously worth avoiding while you find out and afterwards if it is confirmed, though hardly worth getting too worked up about something you've (she has) already done.

Also - congrats (or commiserations)

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telekinetic

Don't worry about the drinking the night of, your lil' swimmers aren't laser beams, and they probably didn't reach the target until she sobered up.

We didn't know we were pregnant for a couple weeks of partying, and my little darling turned out fine. Wine and smoking aren't even as big of a deal as they used to be, a glass of wine is ok, and if she's a smoker, some doctor's suggest she just cut back as much as she can without stressing herself out, as the shock from going cold turkey is worse than the damage a cig or two a day can do.



Finally, a piece of difficult business I don't want you to think too hard about:

1) There are such things as false positives, be they test failure from evaporation lines, or chemical pregnancies, which are technically miscarriages, but in reality function like a late period. This just happened to me (us?) this week (We seriously are OK with it, btw)
2) Even if you get a solid blood test reading that all systems are go, the first trimester can be touch and go...we didn't tell anyone we were pregnant until we were into the 2nd trimester for that reason, as by then the drop-out rate is much lower, and you don't subject anyone else to an emotional rollercoaster. Since we'd already had one successful carry, we thought another one was a shoe-in so we went ahead and told people, and now are having to have JK,LOL conversations with everyone.

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squeeeb

hey nosoup, relax, take a deep breath, everything will work out. it always does.
i have never won the lottery, but i managed to knock up a chick who was on the pill (she said she was anyway). thing is, it happens.
as for your concerns about the drinking and such, do not worry at all. if, while she is pregnant, she is smoking and drinking and taking drugs, then yes, worry. but my wife (the chick i knocked up, now ex) got drunk once during her pregnancy, kid turned out fine. my grandmother (old italian lady) said during pregnancy, a glass of wine here and there isn't going to hurt anyone. on the night of conception, whatever legal substances you were abusing, it doesn't matter, so don't worry.

my life was completely derailed by it, now i have a daughter that i'm damn proud of, who makes me smile and laugh and makes me happy. i never wanted a kid, but i got one, and that is that. you cant think "damn, what if it didn't happen?" if you are gonna be a daddy, think of the the good parts about it, enjoy it, and that is that. not much you can do to change it, might as well enjoy the ride as much as possible.

if she is indeed pregnant...hang in there. the next 19 years are gonna be difficult, but manageable, usually happy, sometimes not, and again, dude, it will all work out. it always does. (i would say "congratulations" but it sounds like that is not the right word for it right now, so i won't).

it could be worse. it could always be worse. good luck with whatever happens.

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onward to mayhem!

Xerxys

^^ What he said,

... and congratulations, I guess.

snowy

For the first two weeks, the zygote does a very good job of protecting itself from teratogens and is usually not susceptible to them. I wouldn't sweat it.

Make sure she gets a prenatal vitamin and gets enough folic acid from here on out to prevent neural tube defects.

And congrats! Babies are awesome!

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

ItWasMe

And the odds of getting pregnant on the pill or patch go up with any use of certain prescriptions, such as antibiotics.

Since you asked, I found out about my first when I was about 3-4 months along. Nothing out of the ordinary that I could tell. I was late, but usually skip 1/2 to 1/3 of mine anyway. I actually took a pregnancy test just to prove I wasn't pregnant and shut my SO up. Ha ha, ya.

You might find that OTC prenatal vitamins make her sick within a few minutes while prescription ones do not. Not uncommon I was told.

I hope your doctor appointment goes well and puts your mind at ease. I hope the results of the pg test at the doctor's office is what you are hoping for.

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. . . . . . . . . . . . . .


"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

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ShaniFaye

I wouldnt sweat it....Im not sure what doctors say now...but 16 years ago when I was preggie I was allowed the occasional drink and my doctor allowed me 5 cigs a day. My child is almost 16 now and besides the occasional cold hasnt been sick a day in her life...no ear infections, no asthma...though she has taken an interest in bondage as of late lol Tylenol was all I was allowed to take when I was preggie...have they changed that now? I know I hear some women say their doctors dont allow them things that just make me say "huh? geez how did the world manage to get over populated if all this stuff is that "bad" for you?"

Somehow babies are geared the first 3 months to withstand all the stuff that we women do before we know we're expecting.

I hope you stop feeling like puking soon

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

jewels

I won't even bother to tell you the stuff I'd done the night before I found out I was pregnant with my first. Baby will be fine.

Allow yourself some time to adjust. Don't be afraid to let your lady know what you're going through. It's important that you keep the intimacy and communication going, especially at a time like this. Even if she seems happy or excited, most likely she's having the same thoughts that you're having.

Congrats!

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

The_Jazz

Deep breath, big guy. It's not the end of the world, as others have said. Assuming that you two are ready for this, this sudden change in your lifes' plan will probably be for the best.

And as others have said better than I (with actual Science!), don't sweat the alcohol and OTC drugs. If it were later in pregnancy or more of it, you might have a slight cause for alarm, but most folks here have stories (if they've asked) about the stuff their mothers did while pregnant. It wasn't until about 20 years ago that drinking during pregnancy became a big deal, but the Pyramids still got built, as did Rome and the Great Wall of China.

You should bookmark this thread and come back in 5 years to tell us about whether or not you'd have rather had one big night in a casino or the kid.

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"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

Glory's Sun

My wife got pregnant while on the pill. I guess my swimmers had their capes on that night. The store bought tests can be false, so until your doctor confirms the pregnancy, don't sweat it.

Now as for the alcohol and smoking, I wouldn't sweat it. A little bit here and there won't hurt anything. My wife didn't drink during either pregnancy, but she did smoke a few cigarettes.. no it wasn't a pack a day smoking, but a few every day or every other day and both my kids are normal. That doesn't mean that something can't happen.

As far as OTC drugs, ask the pharmacist, not the doctor. Thinks like Sudafed can be harmful to the fetus so you'll need to ask about any drug that is being taken. It's better to be safe than sorry.

and the most important thing if she is pregnant, is to get your cystic test done.

the other important thing is to just relax and chill out.. you have 9 months or so to prepare and get things in order. It doesn't all have to be ready today. Have fun with it... it may not be what you planned for (my daughter wasn't planned) but in the end, if you're like me, you won't trade it for anything.

snowy

It's really only the first two weeks that the zygote does a good job of protecting itself--from 3 weeks onward, exposure to teratogens (including alcohol and tobacco smoke) can cause damage. The embryonic stage is critical, and exposure to teratogens can cause major structural defects. But it's important to keep in mind the dose and duration of exposure to teratogens.

Nicotine use during pregnancy is primarily associated with low birth weight, but it also increases the likelihood of other serious problems: miscarriage, prematurity, impaired heart rate and breathing during sleep, infant death, and cancer later in childhood. A baby born to a mother who smoked throughout pregnancy is more likely to die of SIDS. How does smoking harm the fetus? Well, nicotine is a vasoconstrictor, and it decreases the blood flow to the placenta, thereby decreasing the blood flow to the embryo/fetus.

Alcohol use is also very problematic. We had to watch a video in my infant and child development class this term of what a fetus looks like when a mother takes a drink of alcohol. It looks like it's having a tiny seizure. Obviously, here too the dose and duration is important--one drink probably isn't going to make a huge difference, but habitual use of alcohol increases the likelihood that the child will have a fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.

And yes, Shani, I agree that some doctors seem to be overly paranoid, but the fact of the matter is that this kind of public awareness about teratogens and their effects has probably contributed to the low infant mortality rates in this country, among other factors. Additionally, no one wants to make another mistake like the one that was made with thalidomide.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

dlish

read my blog nosoup..."earth shattering news"

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Plan9

If you're not ready for it, I wouldn't "go for it."

Children: The Destroyers of Worlds.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

hunnychile

You haven't mentioned how your wife feels about the situation. Is she ready to be a mom and change her lifestyle?

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Shell

...very well penned, squeeeb.

...my late husband (died young 2 yrs after the birth of his son) did not really want children but the second his baby son came out, i looked at him and saw a completely different person. He was totally enamored, totally captivated, eyes were filled with love and a complete softening of his whole being was evident. I mean, he was always a good, kind loving husband but this event just got him hook, line, and sinker. It may surprise you too.

...bringing life into the world is so awesome, it will take your breath away...and then nothing else matters...the labor-pains the mother underwent is forgotten, the financial worries are overcome by a surge of lovefed-adrenalin that puts you in survival mode to nurture and protect the most precious thing that has ever been placed in your care. Your selfish desires for time and space vanish as you desire to share what's the most important thing in life...love and family. I remember my husband wanted to put a "Precious Cargo" sign on the car to bring the baby home from the hospital. He couldn't stop kissing his tiny soft head. He couldn't take his eyes off him. It was the most endearing thing i've ever watched.

...it was such a loss when my husband died so appreciate and savor this amazing gift you've been blessed with. If your wife is pregnant, you're the luckiest man in the world.

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..."Say what you think. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~ Dr. Seuss

dlish

i wasnt ready..and funnily enough i still am not ready..baby-lish is a few weeks away now, and i still feel iffy about me being a father.

i think i had the same reaction as you, and i think i still do. but as it comes closer, im feeling more consumed with the thought of being a father, and how its not all that bad after all. i cant vouch for it yet, but when i read some of these posts, i'm thinking maybe its not the end of the world after all...

then i read jazz's signature, and think, how cool would that be..im going to have a kid just so i put that signature on the bottom of all my posts !

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

squeeeb

AMEN

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onward to mayhem!

NoSoup

Well, it's been nearly 24 hours since I've known - here's the update.


First of all, thanks for your responses - it's nice to see some other folks reactions to this as well, and it gives me hope.

I'm still not 100% on the idea of being a father, though I guess at this point it isn't much of a choice, anymore. It isn't as though we've never considered pregnancy, but as I've learned time and time again, there is a vast difference between theory and actuality.

She isn't home from work yet, so I don't know when we're going to visit the lady doctor, but I'm really hoping it's soon.

Regardless of how I end up feeling about being a parent, I'll be the best parent I can be. It's just so.... unexpected. I think we're ok financially, but I certainly would have loved an extra 5 years socking money away and paying off our house.

As far as my wife is concerned, she's had an especially rough time recently. In fact, 10 days prior to yesterday, we had to put our dog down - just as she was finally getting over the overwhelming grief and seeing a few of the (small) silver linings without having the responsibility of a pet (can actually go somewhere for a weekend without pre-arranging dog coverage, stay away from our house for more than 8 hours at a time, etc) we get this news. Her current feelings on the pregnancy: Terrified. I understand communication is a very important part of any relationship, and I think we have an exceptionally strong marriage, but so far I've been keeping my qualms to myself - I'd rather just be supportive of her, and I don't want her to think that I have any doubts.

Logically, I understand that it'll probably be ok one way or another, but... I just don't feel ready yet. Then again, I don't know if I ever would have. I've always been very conservative and had a "plan" for the future - for something like this to happen is just... shocking. It's incredible how much the affects the good ol' life plan.

I really do appreciate all of your insights and stories - my wife and I discussed it last night, and we also decided not to tell anyone but the parents about it until the 2nd trimester. I suppose that means you don't exist, but I think a relatively anonymous internet posting is harmless

After we chat tonight, I'll proabably swing back on and update.

Thanks again!

NoSoup

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I have an aura of reliability and good judgement.

Just in case you were wondering...

ShaniFaye

might I add, just from the way I know I am....do you think its possible it might help your wife to know you're scared and unsure as well? I dont mean dont be supportive...but to me knowing my spouse was having the same uncertain feelings and doubts as me would go a long long way in the supportive category and help me to know I wasnt alone in the way I was thinking, there is nothing at all shameful in having doubts...even people that have been TRYING to get preggie start to have doubts once the conception has taken place.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

spindles

No-one is truly ready. Listening to stories of parents really doesn't give you an insight into how great and terrible (You thought the dog was restrictive ) being a parent can be.

You can always have more money, but everybody gets by - it just means setting priorities on where the money goes.

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who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

Glory's Sun

You know when I felt ready? When I saw them for the first time. I knew at that moment that it was going to be ok. It wouldn't always be fun, but in the end it would all be ok. I was going to make damn sure that it was going to be ok.

You think pregnancy is scary in itself? Just hope you don't find out its a girl if your wife is pregnant. I don't know why but when I found out I was having a little girl every possible bad thought streamed through my head. Anything bad that could happen from first trimester to age 50 went through my brain..it was terrible. Once again though as soon as her beauty was shown to me I knew it would all be ok. One way or another, it was going to be ok.

So yeah it's a scary ride and a long ride, but men and women both have this uncanny ability to just "know" once that baby pops out. So keep us updated and good luck to you and your wife

ratbastid

NO, no no no no.

YES, yes yes yes yes.

You want to be her partner in working through your fears together. Not some guy with no fear who's trying to cheer her up.

genuinegirly

I'm siding with Shani and Ratbastid on the "share your fears" thought.

Whew - you have a lot of emotion here to sort through. Best to get through it together.

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SabrinaFair

Another vote for the "share what you're feeling" referendum. :-)

But in all seriousness....I'm a fan of parenting blogs and other parenting media. I can't explain my particular fascination with these materials, as I am not a parent, but I think at least part of my interest stems from wanting to be able to sort through the bullshit when my time comes. There's a lot of bad/unsupported/completely biased advice out there. One such notion that is finally starting to get some negative press is what I call the "happy parent myth". That is, a prescribed set of emotions one should feel from the moment the sperm hits the egg. There is no right way to feel. There should be no shame in having doubts or negative emotions about parenthood. I have no doubt that you'll make a great father if that's where this leads. You know that. But feeling doubt, fear, even trepidation, about the prospect is OK....just be honest about it with your partner. As pointed out, she probably has a whole host of emotions herself. You all will figure it out.

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"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."
-Desiderata

DJ Happy

My daughter was an accident and I remember sweating bullets when I found out my girlfriend (now my wife) was pregnant - there was no way I was ready to be father, what the hell was I going to do, etc. 6 years later, it was the biggest blessing in my life. Not a single day goes by that I don't give thanks for my daughter, even after she washed my car with rocks.

Glory's Sun

holy shit.

I don't think I'd be giving thanks that day

Plan9

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

telekinetic

This.

Women become mothers upon pregnancy, men become fathers upon birth.

Although, I am not ashamed to admit that I cried when I heard my daughter's heartbeat for the first time.

There is no better thing in the world than when my daughter decides it is time for bed, crawls over wanting me to pick her up, snuggles into me an exhausted heap and falls asleep in my arms. It is the highlight of my week.

My daughter did not destroy my life. She is my life.

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twisted no more

Shaindra

My kids are 5 and 8 and I'm still not ready. Nobody really is.

Having kids is the hardest and most amazing job in the world. It's also the one that all of the training for it is "on the job."

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"Never regret something that once made you smile."

NoSoup

Alrighty, here's where we are at.

The plus side - I'm no longer feeling like vomiting, though it seems may days are fill with constantly, constantly, constantly thinking about it.

After reading many of the posts here, I decided to have a relatively frank discussion with my wife. I explained how I'm feeling about the situation, and she did as well. She appears to be a bit excited now - after the initial terror, it seems like she's getting a bit used to the idea and perhaps is even looking forward a little bit to it. I'm just about the same. It still doesn't feel real, and I think largely because I'm still in a bit of denial. No doctor has confirmed she was pregnant, and although we both wanted to make an appointment ASAP with the lady doctor, we were basically told "If you took the test and it was positive, she's pregnant. We want to see her at 8-10 weeks, not before. So the appointment is scheduled for July 10th. The wait is going to kill me, though I understand rationally that there is probably a 99% chance she is pregnant (every day becoming more and more likely without her monthly visitor) I still haven't fully embraced the idea. I can't be certain, but I think a doctor's confirmation will get me a long way towards.... wherever I'm supposed to be.

Though I'm sure this might open a can of worms, I honestly wouldn't be opposed, but is fairly pointless to even enterain the idea because my wife is adamently against it. I do appreciate the stones it took to be the first actually post this though

Obviously, I'm not in the "Abortion is Murder" camp, but it isn't like I didn't know there were risks involved, I just assumed (therin lies the problem) that it wouldn't happen, what with the 98% effectivness and all.

We'll have to kinda see where this goes - at the very, very least, this has been a huge learning experience for me - already I unconciously differenciate "before pregnancy" and "after pregnancy"

Anyway, thanks for all of your support and sharing your experiences - it's nice to see that what I'm currently feeling can somehow down the lane translate to still being a good parent and not hating the life of fatherhood.

__________________
I have an aura of reliability and good judgement.

Just in case you were wondering...

Plan9

...for the rest of your life. Which essentially destroyed it, if you catch my drift.

You're not you, you're dad.

...

Such is the dilemma of the me-me supersize-it generation.

...

TFP is a great contraceptive. I think I might get my junk decommissioned next year.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

alicat

What is this "junk" you speak of? Am I mistaken in thinking you only possess a smooth spot?

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'Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun, The frumious Bandersnatch!'--Jabberwocky, Lewis Carroll

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Shell

...crompsin...after reading your comments, may i encourage you to up that appointment from next year to today.

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..."Say what you think. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~ Dr. Seuss

alicat

I have a hard time with post's like these because it is so personal and emotional for me. I'm sure I've written about my history in the years since I've been here. I'll try to recap. It is extremely rare but I and Hubby have a translocation in our 16th set of chromesomes and both of us combined leads to a 50% chance of any given pregnancy resulting in very serious birth defect's. We knew nothing of this when our first and only child (son) was born in 1993 and lived and died in the NICU at 2 1/2 mths. old, never coming home with and to us (if that sounded cold, it is only because i'd write way too much if I let emotion's in...)

We cannot have children together because the risks are so high, yet we have always wanted to have children, not grow into our old age with no children or grandbabies. We're both 38 and time is getting short but we have nowhere near the finances to adopt a sweet baby.

All of that is to say that whatever is right for you two is what you should do, but think about those of us who deperately want children and genetically and financially can't have them. I'm Pro-choice and have strong feelings that go with that. Personally I feel the need to say please, if she is pregnant, enjoy it as the blessing it is, despite the pain-in-the-ass I'm sure it will at some times be!!! That is some little bit, my jealousy speaking, wishing I was anybody else who could have a healthy baby when I and DH can't.

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'Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun, The frumious Bandersnatch!'--Jabberwocky, Lewis Carroll

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Crack

I wouldn't worry about the smoking and the drinking and the Tylonol ... My mom did all that and worse while she was pregnant with me, and I turned out fine!

Granted, sometimes I cannot tell the difference between the color blue and the smell of roses, but that's normal right?

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

Plan9

Witty retorts aside, why's that? Because I understand the gravity of the choice to bring another wallet-eating screaming poo-factory into the world?

Somebody show me the sacred part.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

The_Jazz

NoSoup, thanks for the update and the good news. As for the accuracy of the OTC prenancy tests, the doctors are right. They're accurate to a scary percentage. It's a waste of time and money to go in just for that test. That said, there's a running joke in my house because my wife never got a prenancy test at her 10 week appointment with Max, our first, so at times (like last night when he jumped out of the bathbub and ran anound dripping wet and naked) when I'll refuse to believe that the OTC test she took was accurate.

As for the rest of you, don't turn this into your personal little flame war. That won't end well for anyone. If you don't have something to add to NoSoup's situation, use your back button.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

telekinetic

By this logic, if you were offered a job transfer to a private island in hawaii, where your days consisted of testing sports cars, motorcycles, wingsuits, fully automatic weapons, and maybe helping ftvgirls with some of their casting, taking said job would destroy your life as well. I think the word you are looking for is 'change', not destroy.

Change can be good.

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twisted no more