Bringing up your past.
 

Alright, so I'll use my current example as a way to jumpstart this topic. I just had this posted in my blog earlier today:



Ok, so this random guy from Facebook adds me and is like 'What up dude? Been awhile.'

Me: Er...do I know you?

Him: You are the Charlie Roselius that attended Kinnelon HS, right?

Me: Erm...yes. But I don't know you @_@.

Him: Ouch man. I hoped I wouldn't be THAT forgettable. (Goes on to describe himself). But if you still don't recognize me, that's fine. Remove me and I wish you the best.

So I add him, guessing that I'll be able to recognize him from pics.

Then realize that he said he graduated in 77.

And realize he must be talking about my uncle (my namesake).

Said uncle died of AIDs when I was about 2. Basically, my whole family thinks I would've been thick as thieves with this guy if he'd still been around. I miss the guy without having ever known him.

So this...I dunno. I've talked about my uncle in the past, but meeting someone who might've been his friend...who could tell me a bit about the man he was...I dunno.

I hurt inside a bit right now and I'm not sure why.





However, he's recently responded with a much longer comment giving me some cool info on my uncle, so it's not as raw right now. To you TFP, I ask, do people ever come along and unknowingly dig up something in the past which could hurt a bit? Share some stories as well =).

Hell yes, and it happened on Facebook.

A couple weeks ago I got a friend request from a name I didn't recognize. When I clicked to see the profile, it was her. The girl I broke up with before I graduated from high school. She has a new name, see--every time I've googled her, I've used the wrong name and found nothing. And now here she was.

Here's the thing: I was embarrassed at the time about how I treated her at the end. And I did it anyway. I was needlessly cruel, and left her feeling used and cheap. It was a majorly low thing, probably in the top two or three things in my life I wish I could take back. It was a long time before I could really give myself in my next relationship (which was with lurkette) because what I decided about myself there was that I couldn't be trusted with people, that I hurt people.

And now she's friending me.

It took me about four hours to click "accept" and write her a message. The subject line of the message was "Wow."

She came right back with a message that was so HER, you know? Cheerful and happy and full of life, always. Gave me the high-level overview of what she's been up to since I did what I did. And you know? It's been an amazing life. She's lived overseas. She was a White House intern. She passed the Foreign Service exam and nearly got hired but for a stupidly minor health issue. Happily married, got a great daughter. In my ratbastid-centric view of the world, I left her a broken husk of a human being who could never move on. So much for that.

So I asked her if we could talk in person. And when we do (and, really, you've got to picture me with her number dialed, and my finger hovering over the "send" button for about fifteen minutes...), a few days later, she's JUST like I remember her. Talking a million miles a minute, full of stories and fun and light. She gives me some more details from the (we do the math) 17 years since we were last together. Asks me what I've been up to.

I say, "Listen, I'd love to go through all that, and I will, but first I just have to say--and this is the reason I asked to talk to you... I just really need to apologize for how I was with you at the end of our relationship."

She says, "Oh. Wow. I wondered if that was why you wanted to talk."

I say, "Yeah, well, it's been a weight on me for a long time, and I just really want to say I'm sorry."

She says, "Well, we were young."

I say, "Yeah, no, you know what? I was operating at a pretty low level even for a high school senior."

She says, "Yeah... It wasn't ideal."

I say, "No. Look. It sucked. And you deserved better. What I'm trying to say is, I apologize for being careless with your heart. Can you forgive me?"

And she says, "Of course I do. Of course."

So now, since then, we're sending messages on Facebook like, "Hey, have you been completely unable to listen to THIS song for the last 17 years? OMG! Me too!" Suddenly she's a good friend, and we have a friendship among grown-ups, and all the sweetness and fun that was there in our relationship is a pool of memories we can dip into together. And I feel like I've put down a heavy weight that I'd forgotten I was carrying, and it's completely amazing.

Wow. How cool. It's great to be able to reach back in time and heal a regret, however you accomplish it. Here's to your continued friendship!

Wow! That's like a perfect ending!

Whoa, interesting stories!

I used to play in the jazz band back in high school. I was also a cocky SOB in high school. Recently, I was grabbing a burrito from Burritozilla down town and ran into someone that I basically took under my wing in the jazz band. He'd grown up, just like me, but seeing him reminded me of what an asshat I had often been back then. After the pleasantries and a bit of catching up, I basically just laid it all out.

(paraphrasing) "Look, I acted like a complete ass back in high school. I want you to know that now, since I've had a bit of time to reflect, I'm really sorry if I ever mistreated you. My intention was to help you to enjoy jazz band, just like I did, but my behavior was and is inexcusable. I'm really sorry."

After he picked his jaw off the floor, he forgave me and explained that there were some people he was still in contact with that I might want to apologize to. It was a rough couple of days, but I felt absolutely weightless afterward. I'm friends with most of them now.

Ratbastid, I wish so much that I could have the same kind of reconciliation with my high school ex. I keep feeling like I will bump into her someday and I know that if it happens it will be when I least expect it... which is why I need to stop wondering about it all the time.

About two years ago I saw someone on the metro that looked exactly like her, and it totally freaked me out.

I have done that IRL without the aid of Facebook so far with 2 other former girlfriends. I'm going to meet up with a 3rd which did come up on Facebook, mostly because again, we've figured out who we are much better than before.

It's part of deepening relationships and forgiving oneself for misdeeds. But if it doesn't happen, that's also part of the process.

Last week I got an email from a former high school classmate who looked me up on Facebook. He wasn't sure if I was who he thought I was, so he was just checking. I haven't responded yet. I'm just not sure I want to go back there. Some people are best left in high school.

Well, it doesn't happen unknowingly... it happens every time I am in Iceland and have to deal with my Icelandic family here, all of whom knew my father (who died in a commercial fishing accident before I was born) and could tell me about "the man he was," but because they're all closed-up, emotionally-retarded Scandinavian dickwads, they never will. Yes, it touches a nerve. I know exactly what you are talking about. I hurt inside a bit most of the time that I am here. It's one of the biggest reasons I am just a little bit on edge, all the time, in Iceland... and one reason that I need to leave.

You probably didn't need to know that, but your post hit close to home for me. Be glad that you have that person who could really tell you who your uncle was, without his own grief getting in the way.

Abaya, I'm sorry about that. While he sounded like a great guy, he's just an uncle. A man that could've grown up with me but certainly no replacement for a -father-. I'm sorry that's been wearing on you there <3.

Oh, thanks Jozrael. I probably went off a little too much there, since it builds up over time. Just FYI, I have a stepdad and we are really close, and he's the only dad I know... he replaced my father just fine, as far as I'm concerned, but my Icelandic family doesn't always acknowledge that, either. It's just weird when people get so obsessed with "what could have been," that they can't even see the reality, especially when the reality is so positive. Nostalgia can be a very, very bad thing.