essendoubleop

So I've reached that point in every man's life when his best friend asks him for some critical advice. He's been my best friend for over 12 years and tells me everything. He's also a notorious womanizer so I wasn't shocked when he told me that he got a girl pregnant. Now, he makes hardly any money and has enough time supporting himself, let alone another lady and a baby, but there's no way a relationship would work out between the two.

They hooked up with each other through Craigslist's random encounters section and both of them knew full well that no relationship would ensue. As luck would have it, she notified him that she pregnant 300 miles away. She said that has had an abortion before and it was such a traumatic experience for her that she would never consider it again. Apparently, she doesn't want to give the kid up for adoption.

This situation is particularly murky for me because I believe in doing the right thing, which normally would be for the guy to stick it out with the girl and help raise the kid. But neither of them want to be involved with each other and have their (understandably so) selfish reasons for choosing that role. They know nothing about each other and live on different sides of the Washington state.

At first, they had decided that she would have the kid and raise it without my friend's involvement in any way. His family is the strictly traditional, conservative type and I believe they would do everything short of disowning him. But it seems as though her friends were doing some talking and realized they could get money out of him to keep everything quiet and not take him to court or anything like that. She seems to have him by the balls (in more ways than one) and as his best friend it really bothers me. There's no good advice I can give him and I could see the misery he feels of knowing his future has become darker.

We came up with a few ideas like him moving to California where he can get a better job and possibly avoid the situation. But that's exactly the problem with that option, is he's AVOIDING the situation until he eventually has to confront it. He also suggested I punch her in the stomach, which incited laughter in both of us because of the absurdity, but I saw a glimmer in his eyes that was gauging my reaction. Other ridiculous ideas were him living with her for 9 months, causing her to go so insane that she has a miscarriage and telling his parents that some crazy lady was spreading false rumors about him to nick it before it was too late. The only feasible option was to wait it out and hopefully she gets a good boyfriend with money.

He's been there for me in my darkest hours, and it seems like I can do nothing for him in his darkest hour which sucks. I really feel little sympathy for the girl. Why bring another unloved child into the world when there are thousands up for adoption who need it? It's really uncomfortable that she's pushing for money so early the pregnancy too. Fact is he was an idiot for hooking up with her, but it's like he's being executed for stealing. Anybody have any advice for me or him, or should I pass along condolences?

highthief

Paternity test?

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Halx

I want to get in before everyone rushes up with their bleeding hearts to say that your friend needs to do everything in his power to support the kid. Obviously, that would be the RIGHT thing to do. Then there are all the other things that he could do, but this situation was fucked from the beginning. The first and foremost thing that this guy must do is request proof that there is a pregnancy and that it is his doing. Secondly, get himself checked for STD's.

From there, assuming that health is good on both sides and there is in fact a baby on the way, things get rocky. You could suggest to the dude that now is a good a time as ever to start being a world-worthy son of a bitch. He could use this as motivation to get a better job, make more money, and live a better life. I'm not saying he's gotta be the kid's dad, but child support should be the least of his obligations.

It might be his offspring, but life isn't like the movies. This isn't Knocked Up 2.

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jewels

Totally agree about the paternity test or anything that will even confirm that she is, in fact, pregnant before you think about anything else.

It might not have been a random hookup on her part. Some people do this sort of thing for a living.

This may not be the case, but do be careful.

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snowy

I may be a bleeding heart in some circumstances, but this isn't one of them. Hal's advice is good. He absolutely needs to confirm that she is in fact pregnant and the child is in fact his before he even thinks about sending this woman a dime.

Man, this is like a Maury Povich episode all over again...

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telekinetic

paternity test, followed by child support payments. Hot random casual sex ALWAYS carries a risk of hot random casual kids, getting 'the call' should not be the first time you thought to yourself "hmm, what if she gets pregnant?" espcially if you're going to be going at it au naturale and trusting a fallible human to remember to take her fallible hormone pills.

lotsofmagnets

this thread was answered comprehensively in #3. halx is right on the money.


otoh, flee the country is an option...

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ratbastid

I love that.

clavus

*ahem* ANAL! *ahem* Oral.

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Cynthetiq

Bukkake!

do the due diligence, after that, think of the options. There's no need to jump the gun if it's not his responsibility but someone else's.

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essendoubleop

Okay, a couple of things.

First of all, it's definitely his. The timing is perfect, she said she tested positive on multiple different pregnancy tests and even has it displayed on her Myspace. She doesn't look like she gets a lot of action anyways (if at all) and I'd be more worried about her catching any STDs from my friend than vice-versa. I will suggest to him to get a paternity test before anything else, although it's likely a waste of time. Plus, I don't think he wants to make any contact with her.

Yes, it's already been established that he was an idiot. At the least, this should serve as yet another warning against random encounters without condoms. But people don't think logically when sex is involved. What's done is done and I'm trying to help him out with the next step, I just don't know where to point him.

Martian

Let's just take all the advice about paternity tests and such as a given, and assume that the baby exists and is his. If that proves not to be the case, disregard this.

Here's where we get to hear those words that everyone loves to hate: personal responsibility. Your friend has not only a moral but a legal obligation to his child. This woman has every right to money to help support the child, and will most likely not hesitate to take him to court over it.

The best course of action is probably the one that you least want to hear: if he owns up to this and goes to court, he can make sure there is a structured settlement in place. He'll have a fixed amount per month that he's responsible for and apart from that can effectively cut the girl and the kid out of his life. No worries about blackmail or extortion. On the other hand, if he leaves things as they are or tries to keep quiet, she'll likely squeeze him for as much as she can get and then take him to court anyway when he doesn't have anything left for her to get out of him.

Bottom line is your friend fucked up. Now he has to deal with it. That's how life works.

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jorgelito

Hey woman's right to choose, then guy should be off the hook.

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Martian

He did have the right to choose. He had the option to keep his dick in his pants, and chose not to. This is the consequence.

It's not that I disagree, exactly. The political climate of the world today is not such that arguing men's rights is particularly feasible. Meanwhile, the legal reality is quite specific here.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Cynthetiq

he's got to rock up and take care of this kid if she's bringing it to the world.

that's it. that's all he's got to do now.

tell him to rock up... and use a cool aussie accent when you say it. and when he starts to babble back a bunch of crap, tell him not to spit the dummy because he's already done that once and look where it got him.

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World's King

Two easy steps...

1. Find a long flight of stairs
2. Push her

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dlish

did she get pregnant while fingering??

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Ayashe

It sounds as if your friend has no means of scraping up very much money to give her anyway. I wouldn't give the girl a dime until I was ordered to by the courts if I was him. I find it ridiculous to think that a couple grand and she is going to be satisfied with raising a kid with no additional assistance beyond that. You can't run from child support once it is ordered though. It will build and build, interest will be tacked on to it. The situation becomes even worse if she requires any public assistance. When ordered, if he finds ways to get around paying it I can assure you that it will never go away.

Everyone else here has pretty much stated the obvious, before anything is done be absolutely certain she is pregnant and the child is his. I believe in responsibility, but it sounds like she is trying to take advantage of the situation.

highthief

This has Springer written all over it.

Let me know when it airs ...

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genuinegirly

"The timing is just perfect" is a bunch of bull. One can photoshop a little pink plus or smiley onto a blank pregnancy test, then go and rant about perfect timing.

Don't assume anything.

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lotsofmagnets

meh, given that last statement i´d assume pretty much everything. i think he´s literally reaping what he has literally sowed...

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mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?