Should you recycle an ex? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Cynthetiq · 08-03-2008, 07:33 PM

Quote:

View: Should you recycle an ex? After all, he's already on the curb
Source: Chicago Tribune
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Should you recycle an ex? After all, he's already on the curb

chicagotribune.com
USED-DATE PARTIES
Should you recycle an ex? After all, he's already on the curb
By Tracy Swartz

You recycle clothes and plastic bottles, but would you ever recycle a date?

I've never attended a used-date party, where women bring an ex-boyfriend to swap. At these parties, reassurance is the name of the game: The men are all eligible, and each is vouched for by at least one woman in attendance. Essentially, one woman's trash is another woman's treasure.

It's not a new phenomenon, though it appears to be gaining traction in popular culture. Used-date parties were featured in a "Sex and the City" episode in 2000 and a 2002 episode of "Girlfriends," but it's unclear when these shindigs became vogue.

Part of the idea is that your ex knows your quirks and your likes and dislikes, so he or she can effectively help you meet a new mate. But exes are exes for a reason. It didn't work out in one relationship, so why would you let him or her influence another potential love interest?

Maybe I'm in the minority in opposing used-date parties. About 200 people attended one of the parties, also known as a BYOB (bring your old boyfriend), in mid-July at Lumen, a club on the near West Side.

The party, where dates with six singles were auctioned off with the help of their exes, was held to help promote Bravo's new reality show "Date My Ex: Jo & Slade."

On the show, Jo De La Rosa, former star of "The Real Housewives of Orange County," relies on ex-fiance Slade Smiley to help fix her up with a new man. De La Rosa goes on a series of dates, which Smiley secretly monitors on a laptop. And, oh yeah--the potential suitors live in Smiley's Los Angeles home.

As with many dating trends, another TV show, "Sex and the City," helped pioneer the increasingly popular idea.

Charlotte (the one who pined for marriage) hosted a used-date party in Season 3. She even found a potential match, only to lose him to the jealous ex who brought him to the party.

Jealousy is only one concern of these used-date parties. My biggest worry would be: Which ex do you bring?

Do you bring the casual date whom you just didn't click with because he droned on about investment banking or--even worse--waxed optimistic on Notre Dame's football team? Or do you bring your former long-term flame, the one with whom you shared a bed, a Halloween costume and a dream of the future?

On one hand, taking the ex who broke your heart to a BYOB gives you the opportunity to show him you're over him, writes Joanne Kimes in "Dating Sucks: What To Do When Your Love Life Makes You Miserable."

On the other, you could see your ex talk to another girl, get jealous, pull him away from her, throw a fit and ruin your chance to meet a new guy.

Get the scoop

Whichever ex you settle on, Kimes advises that if you attend a used-date party, make sure to quiz the woman who brought the man you're interested in.

What do you ask? How about: Why did you break up? Does he have commitment issues? Is he selfish in bed?

But would the ex be honest in answering your questions? Maybe she would try to sabotage your potential new relationship.

I fear I'd likely be a saboteur if I ever found myself at a used-date party. I'm selfish when it comes to my ex-beaus. I would like (most of) them to be happy, but preferably not in front of me.

Also, there's the possibility that a friend of mine could be interested in my ex. That can be a major no-no. It may be OK for a friend to start a love connection with a casual ex, but there is no way I would accept a friend dating a formerly serious flame. There would be jealousy, the obvious comparisons between the old and the new beau, and too much awkwardness.

Luckily, there are plenty of strangers at these parties. But that may not quell all the awkward feelings. In promos for the show, Smiley admits it's difficult watching De La Rosa flirt with other men. He acknowledges to her that he has unresolved feelings.

Issue hits home

Meaghan Guilfoyle, a Chicago makeup artist, knows all about unresolved feelings. She attended the Lumen used-date party and was (sort-of) auctioned off by her ex, whom she had dated for three years.

Actually, Guilfoyle's ex didn't attend the event, opting instead to rate her on the auction's Web site. He gave her high marks for attractiveness and sense of humor.

"He backed out at the last minute," Guilfoyle, 21, said. "He still loves me. We're just at different places in our lives."

The winning bid was $500, from a guy who's taking her on a date sponsored by Bravo. In all, six exes were auctioned off at the Lumen party, with the money benefiting the Natural Resources Defense Council.

Relationship coach Kira Sabin recently hosted a similar party in Madison, Wis., after watching the "Sex and the City" episode in reruns.

Sabin throws singles events through her company, Get Out There Madison. Thirty-five people attended the used-date party, Sabin said, adding that her roommate found a connection with one of her male friends (not an ex).

"It creates this kind of stamp of approval," Sabin said. "It was a lot easier to get the conversations going because everyone had a story of how they know each other."

I'll pass, thanks. It's hard enough navigating the dating pool, let alone with the influence of a former partner who may or may not have my best interests at heart. I'll leave the former flame fix-up to "Date My Ex" producers. For me, recycling an ex is just a waste of energy.

I don't necessarily want to interact with exes. I only have one ex that I'm still friends with in a very roundabout way. Sometimes it is uncomfortable to be around her. I don't really know or understand why, but I'd rather move on. So, I'd find it awkward to have setup my friend with her. Maybe it's different for girls than it is for guys. I'm not much of a matchmaker, but do like to introduce my circles of friends to circles of friends.

Would you set up your ex with one of your friends?

Bear Cub · 08-03-2008, 08:26 PM

I wouldn't set any of them up for a friend, but I wouldn't mind being on the receiving end. What can I say? I'm selfish.

spindles · 08-03-2008, 08:44 PM

I'd have to have some idea where they were. The only ex of mine that I see regularly is married with kids and lives about 3 blocks away, and we don't keep in contact other than random meetings in the street.

I've moved on from these people, why would I want to go to a party with them?

genuinegirly · 08-03-2008, 10:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spindles

I've moved on from these people, why would I want to go to a party with them?

Exactly.

I sense better luck if everyone brings a close friend to a party. Heck, I have a childhood friend or two that I wouldn't mind setting up.

Manic_Skafe · 08-03-2008, 10:30 PM

I know people date for sport these days but I can't imagine being emotionally detached enough from someone I've been with to be comfortable with something like this. We all say we'd love to see our exes happy but I can't be the only one who's never truly meant it.

Daniel_ · 08-03-2008, 10:41 PM

I'd set my ex up with a date. Anyone in Alaska want a GF?

ItWasMe · 08-03-2008, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manic_Skafe

... We all say we'd love to see our exes happy but I can't be the only one who's never truly meant it.

I've never even said it, much less meant it. Okay, maybe there are a couple that I hope become mentally stable someday. But vouch for them? To one of my friends? Noooo can do. Besides, my girlfriends would laugh their asses off if I even tried.

Reese · 08-04-2008, 04:41 AM

Why would I want to introduce my friend to a complete psychopath? I wouldn't be a very good friend. I think it would really depend, First I'd have to be on good terms and most likely even be able to maintain a friendship with the person before I'd even consider introducing them to anyone.

As far as ex-recycling parties, I'd assume you'd need a quite large social group to pull something like this off which just isn't likely to find in my small town in Kentucky

StanT · 08-04-2008, 04:43 AM

There's a reason they are ex's.

I'm civil to most, but that is pushing it.

MSD · 08-04-2008, 05:31 AM

I'm trying to think of any friend's ex who I'd want to date and coming up blank. Drunken hookups might be nice, but not relationships.

Tully Mars · 08-04-2008, 05:55 AM

I can honestly say I want my ex to be happy... as long as it's away from me.

Would I recommend her to friend? No. Make that hell no.

LoganSnake · 08-04-2008, 08:13 AM

That's...fucking weird. I don't think I could do it.

CinnamonGirl · 08-04-2008, 08:55 AM

That's...odd. As someone else said, I can't think of any of my friends' exes that I would want to date. And fixing them up with MY exes? Oy.

I've never understood the "I MUST be in a relationship" mentality,especially when it comes to the whole "setup" thing. Isn't it better to just... let it happen naturally?

little_tippler · 08-04-2008, 09:20 AM

LOL.

funny responses. I agree. I am not comfortable with exes. They are exes for a reason.

This kind of goes back to that discussion on being friends with exes...I know a few people who seem to be able to do it.

To me, it's always a case of, why stay friends with exes? It's only potential trouble.

I am able to be civil. I have tried to be friends...but I have come to the conclusion it's not something I am able to detach from so it's better to just move on.

Halx · 08-04-2008, 10:38 AM

Has nobody here ever ended a relationship on a friendly basis? Geez. It sounds like you're all so emotionally delicate that you can't simply vouch for an ex. I could do this... you're not hanging out with your ex, you're bring them them to an event and setting them loose. Everyone's playing their cards close to their chest on this one - how boring.

biznatch · 08-04-2008, 11:00 AM

I can see a situation where two mature adults agree that they don't work as a couple, remain friends. Just because someone is your ex doesn't mean he/she's psycho. I don't see myself doing this, though(the party thing).

speshul-k · 08-04-2008, 11:28 AM

Wouldn't it be weird having to see them again all the time especially if that ex and your friend really hit it off?

Awkward much?!

Redlemon · 08-04-2008, 12:27 PM

I was thinking the same thing as Halx. But, all my exes are over 20 years into my past, so I have no way to recommend them.

At some point an ex was a person you loved; then something came up that determined that they weren't the person with whom you would spend the rest of your life. Don't they still have plenty of good qualities? I hope that most of my exes are in happy relationships, apart from one psycho.

CinnamonGirl · 08-04-2008, 12:40 PM

No, not all of my relationships ended on bad terms. But at the same time, the only people I'd be willing to "fix up" would be my closest friends...and they would (most likely) have the same issues with my exes that I did.

*shrug* The exes I got along with best are married now, though, so I guess it isn't relevant. And I'm glad they're happy-- they're pretty awesome guys.

I think what I find most odd about the article is the fact that people are desperate, or maybe just bored, enough to say "hey... what about your ex? Could I date them?" or something to that effect. Much more so than "vouching" for someone.

ItWasMe · 08-04-2008, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Halx

Has nobody here ever ended a relationship on a friendly basis? Geez. It sounds like you're all so emotionally delicate that you can't simply vouch for an ex. I could do this... you're not hanging out with your ex, you're bring them them to an event and setting them loose. Everyone's playing their cards close to their chest on this one - how boring.

There are a couple of them, from over twenty years ago, that I do wish happiness upon. But I've been married for ages. The exes that first come to mind for me are the long term ones, or the ones with fireworks endings.

abaya · 08-05-2008, 01:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Halx

Has nobody here ever ended a relationship on a friendly basis?

Nope. By my nature, all of my relationships were pretty intense and I was emotionally invested in each one of them (and a long time ago, as well). I would not be participating in an event like this.

ShaniFaye · 08-05-2008, 02:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Halx

Has nobody here ever ended a relationship on a friendly basis? Geez. It sounds like you're all so emotionally delicate that you can't simply vouch for an ex. I could do this... you're not hanging out with your ex, you're bring them them to an event and setting them loose. Everyone's playing their cards close to their chest on this one - how boring.

I cant think of one single relationship I ever had that ended horribly, even with my ex hubby (if you dont count the year he went insane and did drugs...but that was one year and he's been clean for 3 now). We are still friends for the most part, though he does exasperate me sometimes....that doesnt mean he wouldnt be good for someone else.

I'd have no problem at all doing this

Tully Mars · 08-05-2008, 03:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShaniFaye

I cant think of one single relationship I ever had that ended horribly, even with my ex hubby (if you dont count the year he went insane and did drugs...but that was one year and he's been clean for 3 now). We are still friends for the most part, though he does exasperate me sometimes....that doesnt mean he wouldnt be good for someone else.

I'd have no problem at all doing this

I'm more in the boat with you, sans the drug abuse. If my ex started getting her head straight I could see her being a good match for someone, not me, but someone. We talk, we're friendly (most of the time) she's the mother of my daughter... yada yada yada.

And if she did find someone I'd be happy for her.

Zeraph · 08-05-2008, 12:56 PM

I always try to end it on friendly terms, but hell no. I don't want them around. If I broke up with them it was for a reason. And if they broke up with me, then I'd just feel crappy when I saw them.

08-03-2008, 08:26 PM	#2 (permalink)
Bear Cub The Reverend Side Boob Location: Nofe Curolina	I wouldn't set any of them up for a friend, but I wouldn't mind being on the receiving end. What can I say? I'm selfish. __________________ Living in the United Socialist States of America.

08-03-2008, 08:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
spindles Mine is an evil laugh Location: Sydney, Australia	I'd have to have some idea where they were. The only ex of mine that I see regularly is married with kids and lives about 3 blocks away, and we don't keep in contact other than random meetings in the street. I've moved on from these people, why would I want to go to a party with them? __________________ who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

08-03-2008, 10:30 PM	#5 (permalink)
Manic_Skafe More Than You Expect Location: Queens	I know people date for sport these days but I can't imagine being emotionally detached enough from someone I've been with to be comfortable with something like this. We all say we'd love to see our exes happy but I can't be the only one who's never truly meant it. __________________ "Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

08-03-2008, 10:41 PM	#6 (permalink)
Daniel_ Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It! Location: Southern England	I'd set my ex up with a date. Anyone in Alaska want a GF? __________________ ╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗ Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air, And deep beneath the rolling waves, In labyrinths of Coral Caves, The Echo of a distant time Comes willowing across the sand; And everthing is Green and Submarine ╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

08-04-2008, 04:41 AM	#8 (permalink)
Reese Delicious	Why would I want to introduce my friend to a complete psychopath? I wouldn't be a very good friend. I think it would really depend, First I'd have to be on good terms and most likely even be able to maintain a friendship with the person before I'd even consider introducing them to anyone. As far as ex-recycling parties, I'd assume you'd need a quite large social group to pull something like this off which just isn't likely to find in my small town in Kentucky __________________ “It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry

08-04-2008, 04:43 AM	#9 (permalink)
StanT © Location: Colorado	There's a reason they are ex's. I'm civil to most, but that is pushing it.

08-04-2008, 05:31 AM	#10 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	I'm trying to think of any friend's ex who I'd want to date and coming up blank. Drunken hookups might be nice, but not relationships.

08-04-2008, 05:55 AM	#11 (permalink)
Tully Mars Living in a Warmer Insanity Super Moderator Location: Yucatan, Mexico	I can honestly say I want my ex to be happy... as long as it's away from me. Would I recommend her to friend? No. Make that hell no. __________________ I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo Vice President Starkizzer Fan Club

08-04-2008, 08:13 AM	#12 (permalink)
LoganSnake We work alone Location: Cake Town	That's...fucking weird. I don't think I could do it. __________________ Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

08-04-2008, 08:55 AM	#13 (permalink)
CinnamonGirl She's Actual Size Location: Central Republic of Where-in-the-Hell	That's...odd. As someone else said, I can't think of any of my friends' exes that I would want to date. And fixing them up with MY exes? Oy. I've never understood the "I MUST be in a relationship" mentality,especially when it comes to the whole "setup" thing. Isn't it better to just... let it happen naturally? __________________ "...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world." "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

08-04-2008, 09:20 AM	#14 (permalink)
little_tippler Leaning against the -Sun- Super Moderator Location: on the other side	LOL. funny responses. I agree. I am not comfortable with exes. They are exes for a reason. This kind of goes back to that discussion on being friends with exes...I know a few people who seem to be able to do it. To me, it's always a case of, why stay friends with exes? It's only potential trouble. I am able to be civil. I have tried to be friends...but I have come to the conclusion it's not something I am able to detach from so it's better to just move on. __________________ Whether we write or speak or do but look We are ever unapparent. What we are Cannot be transfused into word or book. Our soul from us is infinitely far. However much we give our thoughts the will To be our soul and gesture it abroad, Our hearts are incommunicable still. In what we show ourselves we are ignored. The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged By any skill of thought or trick of seeming. Unto our very selves we are abridged When we would utter to our thought our being. We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams, And each to each other dreams of others' dreams. Fernando Pessoa, 1918

08-04-2008, 10:38 AM	#15 (permalink)
Halx Please touch this. Owner/Admin Location: Manhattan	Has nobody here ever ended a relationship on a friendly basis? Geez. It sounds like you're all so emotionally delicate that you can't simply vouch for an ex. I could do this... you're not hanging out with your ex, you're bring them them to an event and setting them loose. Everyone's playing their cards close to their chest on this one - how boring. __________________ You have found this post informative. -The Administrator [Don't Feed The Animals]

08-04-2008, 11:00 AM	#16 (permalink)
biznatch Junkie Location: France	I can see a situation where two mature adults agree that they don't work as a couple, remain friends. Just because someone is your ex doesn't mean he/she's psycho. I don't see myself doing this, though(the party thing). __________________ Check it out: The Open Source/Freeware/Gratis Software Thread

08-04-2008, 11:28 AM	#17 (permalink)
speshul-k Insane	Wouldn't it be weird having to see them again all the time especially if that ex and your friend really hit it off? Awkward much?!

08-04-2008, 12:27 PM	#18 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	I was thinking the same thing as Halx. But, all my exes are over 20 years into my past, so I have no way to recommend them. At some point an ex was a person you loved; then something came up that determined that they weren't the person with whom you would spend the rest of your life. Don't they still have plenty of good qualities? I hope that most of my exes are in happy relationships, apart from one psycho. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

08-04-2008, 12:40 PM	#19 (permalink)
CinnamonGirl She's Actual Size Location: Central Republic of Where-in-the-Hell	No, not all of my relationships ended on bad terms. But at the same time, the only people I'd be willing to "fix up" would be my closest friends...and they would (most likely) have the same issues with my exes that I did. shrug The exes I got along with best are married now, though, so I guess it isn't relevant. And I'm glad they're happy-- they're pretty awesome guys. I think what I find most odd about the article is the fact that people are desperate, or maybe just bored, enough to say "hey... what about your ex? Could I date them?" or something to that effect. Much more so than "vouching" for someone. __________________ "...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world." "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

08-05-2008, 12:56 PM	#24 (permalink)
Zeraph Banned Location: The Cosmos	I always try to end it on friendly terms, but hell no. I don't want them around. If I broke up with them it was for a reason. And if they broke up with me, then I'd just feel crappy when I saw them.