sunshine16

We'll Im pretty sure my relationship isnt the worst one ever but this one is pretty shot. Long story Short. He's Very Controlling and Attatched. Oh and did i mention not motivated. I think 3 years of putting up with his jobless ass is pretty well much overwith. Im just in a situation right now where im trying to leave. I have Lots of things I have to take care of by the end of next month! I'm finding it pretty much difficult because Im forking out the bills for everything and trying to expense repairing damages he has done to the apartment is stressing me out! He did recently get a job Graveyard at a fast food joint. And i work 4 10's and get off about 10:00pm everynight and he leaves right around then. So i dont see him often. Ive also been ducking and dodging him For about 2 months now by volunteering for overtime on days off and Leaving with my friends. For the past week Whenever he leaves for work Im storm cleaning the apartment and getting ready. One of the things that Scares me is that when it comes down to Judgement day for him. Im not sure how he'll react. He might Just cry and begg, but one thing im worried about is it might get stubborn and violent. I need some opinion on what i should do when it comes to the actual day to leave and what should i do about everything financially? Any advice out there?

blktour

well WELCOME TO tfp ( I am the one that brought you here though. hehe)

sounds like you are on the right track to leave if you dont feel happy, but this seems like a "summary" of what is happening.

I am willing to bet that others will ask you to elaborate, to get the whole picture.

I know that you dont want to fix this, you just want to move on, so "communication is key" wont help here i assume.

also, you should give some background to show everyone where you are coming from.

just my $.02

thespian86

Well if it makes you feel better, which I know it won't, it could be worse. A couple of solutions that mean some work you seem willing to do to do this. Here we go:

If you are worried about a violent or even worrisome situation, bring a guy/girl friend with you from work to help you leave. He is less likely to try to attack you with that variable there.

Financially you might want to approach him after you leave, if he says no, maybe take him to court for it. The worst thing is if you are on all of the papers. Then you can't go the way of the law. Otherwise you might have to cut your losses and chalk it up as a life lesson. That would suck, but that's life.

If he is controlling and attached, I think you're completely right about the two possible situations: anger or depression. At this point do you care if he cries when you leave?

All in all, do what you must. And yes, blk was right, expanding would be good. But that's what I get from this abridged version.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Lasereth

Take a friend with you when you finally break up, but definitely get out of there. That sounds like a miserable relationship.

sunshine16

We'll Heres some more of a detail for everyone.

So cut me some slack for being a newb at tfp. I met my boyfriend when i was 16 years old, the end of my junior year the beggining of summer, at a Fast food place i was working at the time. We spent the whole summer Hanging out in my hometown. Oddley i didnt care if he had a job or not it was "puppy love" basically. Now that i look at it i was the ONLY one who worked the whole time. I can remember the timeline of excuses he gave me throughout everything. This excuse was "I just want to spend more time with you" When I was working the whole time. Slowly He was cutting me off from my family and molding me and i didnt even realize it. Once The school year was starting I was bad,Sneaking out,stealing money from my parents to eat. I really hated myself. My sisters were at my moms house for the summer in a small deadend town 2 hours away and they had just gotten back to start school in my dads house where we lived.

One day i was having one of those rebellious fights with my dad and i was grounded and never to talk to him again. The next day My dad found me on the phone with him. And had sent me to my moms house to live, in hopes of me leaving my boyfriend. Once i had gotten to her house 2 days later he'd left his family and moved in with my mom. ( There is a long story about my mom and dad's divorce i wont get into but lets just say my mom is corrupted and will do anything to make her daughter's on her side to collect child support and welfare money) Even though i had lived in seward with my mom i never had agreed to anything she'd say or had done. Anyway wandering off topic. So i went to highschool part time and worked part time after school. My boyfriend doesnt have his diploma he had dropped out of school so he would just sit at home waiting for me. His excuse was "Im not used to your family and i dont feel comfortable. I would rather just sit home and wait for you." Yet again like a dumbass he made me think it was ok. Im a very shy girl and looking back i can see how easliy controlled i was and i hate it. So i graduated early in January and the school year ends in may. My mom lived in a dumpy house and could no longer afford rent there so she moved into a low income apartment and made some excuse of not letting my boyfriend move in. She had made a deal with me and him earlier in the year that once i graduate i could move out since i was 17 yrs old and my birthday wasnt untill october so i would have 5 months untill i could move out AFTER the school year was over. She was surprised i had worked extra hard on graduating early and the Bitch said i couldnt move out untill i walked with my class. So i worked 2 jobs so i wouldnt have to be home with her. While my boyfriend sat in anchorage at his parents house. another excuse "I cant work when your not here. I miss you too much" And like a dumbass i put up with it because i wanted out of that hell hole and i had no one else to go to. So Graduation day comes along and i was out of that town within 30 min. Note: This whole time ive never had contact with my dad's side of the family and even spoke to my sisters I saw them once at graduation.


I moved in with his family and baby sat all summer for money because his parents needed babysitters so his ass slept while i took care of 3 newborns. his excuse for not helping " was im to tired and i promise ill help next time" after a while it came to You go. After a Month or 2 of baby sitting i worked at another fast food place because i couldnt get a good job yet because i was still 17 with a diploma and most business' want 18 year olds. So i applied for a temp agency and got hired at my current job for temp work 3 days after my 18th birthday. I love this job!! So once i had that job i moved out with my boyfriends sister since i wasnt fully hired with that company i was getting paid from the agency about 300.00 a week. My boyfriend didnt pay for shit. or work still. My rent was 500.00/mo Plus Groceries and gas. And His sister was a gambler so constantly borrowing money ,because my boyfriend can never say no. So after getting hired i worked my ass off,still do, and he never had a job the whole time still. We had gotten into a huge argument with his sister and they just ended up springing it on us and moving out leaving 900.00 rent for us on my income. Luckily i had gotten hired by the company i wanted and barley started making enough for it.


So after months and months with a jobless boyfriend still wouldnt even look for a job even though he lied and said he applied everywhere online and we had looked he didnt get hired or anything. (i was even to the point where i was getting applications for him and applying online) Still nothing. Months and months of No money/food sucked ass. For Three months in a row i would get home from work and go straight to bed. he would be on Call of Duty 4 Every day 24/7. Oh and for the whole 3 years i havent been driving. He wouldnt let me. wouldnt teach me. Actually yelled at me that i was retarded because i couldnt jump in the drivers seat and work miracles. Till recently i've been driving. maybe a month now. So im really fed up with all of this.


For those 3 months he was playing call of duty I've started to talk to my family. I've completely cut off my moms side because I never got along with them in the first place. but ive started to repair the bond with my sisters and my dad. He would get furious. Force me to do things in order to talk to them. Im really ashamed. My sister is my best friend. she knows everything. I just really want out so im done giving this chances i feel like he doesnt deserve it. Right now hes letting me have friends and talk to my family because hes walking on eggshells and he knows it. So thats why im despratly needing advice and help.

Hope that was enough of a back ground

Leto

I would love to read that... Could you possibly go in and edit your post to make some space... etc.

Thx

Destrox

Get out, get out fast. He is wasting your life, and do not feel sorry for him.

When the time comes, as others have said, bring along a friend. (Caution, bringing a male friend could cause problems.) Just having another person there will limit physical problems.

Have everything you need out before this happens. If its yours, and 100% yours, move it first.

Once you're out and if he stays there good luck getting anything back.

You will probably end up losing out on the deal, and that may end up costing you money. Money that is *not* worth fighting for. Ending the relationship has far more value than years of battle via the legal system.

Just get your self out and never look back.





Also for any future post, use paragraphs please.

__________________
You bore me.... next.

Manic_Skafe

And make sure that any utilities and services that are in your name are shut off entirely and that all of the companies know that you're moving.

Last thing you need is to dig yourself out of this hole only to find yourself in another because he ran up the bills and refused to pay them after you left.

edit: And I read that - it's not so bad. Just imagine it's in paragraph form and you'll do fine.

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

sunshine16

Hope that is better to read

Jinn

What do you deserve?

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Leto

somewhat. Thanks.

You know, if he was motivated to have a meaningful relationship and contribute equally, he would have found some how to support your lifestyle, your home. Even if no company was hiring, he would have put an add for Odd Jobs in the paper. I did it, and worked an entire summer on an add that said: Student 4 hire: $6.00/hr.

He's just plain lazy.

Make your move. Look for an apt, away from him, give him the option to take over your lease, and move. If he doesn't take it, sublet out for the two months notice period. Just organize it all up front, it sounds like you are the one that takes initiative. You need to have it all planned in advance in case he gets retributative or violent.

sunshine16

What do you mean Jinn? What do you deserve?

grumpyolddude

I can't speak for Jinn, but what I got from his question was: How do you value yourself? Why are/have you been putting up with a demeaning circumstance?

I believe that, ultimately, we end up in a relationship that reflects our self-love. We can often undervalue ourselves into a relationship from hell, and let ourselves be trapped. Hopefully, we recognize the bad situation and find a safe, positive way out and into the life we really feeds our emotional and spiritual needs.

Your OP suggests that you've reached your realization, and are looking for support, and ideas, to help you move on. Congratulations

I say: MOVE QUICKLY!!! Lay the groundwork, find a place to stay, give your notice, schedule to cut off the utilities, and never, never, NEVER be alone with him again. Have multiple companions at all times. Get a new cell phone number. Leave no forwarding address. Be prepared to get a court order to keep him away. (I sincerely hope that you won't need one, though.)

God bless you, sunshine. Ray Davies said this years ago:

"Here's wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.

Here's hoping all the days ahead
Won't be as bitter as the ones behind you.
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on the way.

It's really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings.
I hope tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.

Here's wishing you the bluest sky,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness.
I know that better things are on the way.

I know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone it's all been said.
So here's to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things."

__________________
"Regret can be a harder pill to swallow than failure .With failure you at least know you gave it a chance..." David Howard

sunshine16

Thank you for the good advice I really do apriciate it. I Just dont understand what you mean by My OP. One of the things you said also that a relation ship is what we reflect ourselves by. I guess i was putting so much effort into it wanting to recieve the same treatment and hoping for something that was never there.

blktour

OP means ORIGINAL POST.

i remember reading a "welcome to forum talk" post somewhere. I dont know if it was on this site or not.

It would help out sunshine16. =)

blahblah454

And this is why I love the TFP. You guys are always so helpful when it is truly needed. I know there has been tons of time where just reading the posts on here helped with my own situations.

Everyones advice here is pretty spot on, so saying anything else is really just repeating what has already been said. But as Destrox said, make sure its a female who comes around and not a male, that is unless he is good friends with the male and you can confide in him. I know if a girl left me and had a strange male over, that would almost be a surefire way for me to get violent, with the male, not you.

And once again make sure everything in your name has been canceled! I know lots of people who ended up having to pay bills that they had nothing to do with.

I hope it all works out for you! Keep us informed as it goes along.

And welcome to TFP!

cyklone

make sure you have copies or originals of important documents. ensure you cancel all joint accounts and credit cards. leave him his share with a cheque so you have a record. get all the things you want to keep out of the apartment. leave him a letter of goodbye. potentially violent men shouldn't get the option of a face to face ending.

sunshine16

So would it be easier to Leave a note or Should i call? Or no face to face?

thespian86

For you; and only in the very short term.

Well, in my opinion from what I've read, you've been dating for three years? A note isn't a good way to end this; in fact it's pretty selfish. I know, he's been every kind of selfish over the past three years but it sounds like this is going to be a great turning point in your life, and the adult thing to do would be ending it like one. If you are worried about him reacting badly, then bring a friend. He is more likely to not be helpful if you just leave him some lame Dear John letter.

Do it right. The important thing though is that you do it. The right part just saves you the trouble of what follows, and also puts you on the higher ground. Trust me; you don't want to look back at something like this and say "I fucked up".

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

snowy

This is so the kind of situation where I would just say fuck it. Fuck it. Cancel everything you have together. Get the fuck out of there, as soon as you can manage it. Obviously, lay some groundwork first. But ASAP. Face to face. Give him the respect he couldn't give you--don't sink to his level.

What do you deserve? You deserve to be with a guy who loves, respects, and VALUES you. You are obviously not getting these things now. Get out, give yourself some time, heal, and then find someone who can.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

thespian86

Oh yeah, also, don't jump straight back into a relationship. She just taught me that too.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

sunshine16

When do you think is a Good time to jump into a relationship after that train wreck?

MSD

Once you're emotionally ready again. Maybe it's when you've broken up and settled back down on your own. Maybe you'll be on the rebound and get some from a few people. When it feels right on more than a superficial level is when it's right for you.