YourNeverThere

i saw this article the other day going through the archives of The Onion, i thought that this Forum might laugh as much as i did when i read it, enjoy!
Fucked Harder


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WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to reverse a "decades-long trend toward shamefully inadequate underfucking in our nation's adult-entertainment industry," a coalition of U.S. porn stars gathered in the nation's capital Monday to voice their demand to be fucked harder.

"Uggh! Come on, give me that cock, jungle stud. Fuck me! Fuck me harder!" said Jenna Jameson, co-chair of Porn Stars For Being Fucked Harder and star of Wicked Pictures' Up And Cummers #10, #11, and #17. "Deeper! Deeper! Oh, fuck."

The D.C. summit arrives on the heels of years of complaints from disgruntled female sex-industry workers, many of whom had repeatedly argued that, as cock-crazed nymphomaniacs who can never get enough, they weren't receiving the deep-dicking they needed.

"Give it to me! Oh, God, give it to me harder," said PSFBFH spokeswoman Christy Canyon, bent over the press-conference podium. "I fucking need it so bad."

Canyon's sentiments echoed those of many PSFBFH members, who are such nasty sluts that moderately hard fucking is not enough to satisfy their constant craving for hot fuck action.

As living embodiments of unrealistic male fantasies, porn stars, experts say, possess extraordinarily high libidos that cannot be satisfied by anything less than full-throttle, no-holes-barred banging. For these women, being such fantasy objects comes at a price: the near-impossibility of attaining the level of full-on pussy pounding they desire, even when lustily worked over by one or more trained professionals.

"The sexual frustration of many porn stars," said noted porn expert Bob Guccione Sr., "is further complicated by the fact that their desires often go beyond traditional vaginally penetrative sex to include a heartfelt need to be repeatedly pounded in the ass, as well."

Tiffany Mynx, PSFBFH co-chair and America's Anal Princess, agreed. "Oooh, baby," read Mynx's testimony before Congress during recent hearings on substandard fucking within the U.S. porn industry. "I want you to slide that big, hungry dick of yours all the way up my tight asshole right now."

According to congressional sources, meeting the porn stars' demands will not be easy.

"Quite simply, no man alive could give it to these wet, horny bitches in the manner they require," said Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). "They represent a fictional, media-created standard of sexual appetite that nobody, male or female, can possibly satiate."

Despite such skepticism on Capitol Hill, the porn stars remain fully committed to their cause.

"Fuck me!" said porn star Asia Carrera during a recent demonstration in downtown Washington. "Goddamn it, I said fuck me harder!"

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The Above post is a direct quote from Shakespeare

eyeseepeedude

that's funny. I think I must have missed that one during my browsings...

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If you like what you see, donate to the TFP

Sparhawk

Trent needs to loosen up, man!

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"In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard. It's - and it's hard work. I understand how hard it is. I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it's necessary work. We're making progress. It is hard work."

ols

the onion always does a good job of getting those hard to cover stories

rockogre

Where do I send my check to support this worthy cause.

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Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

rogue49

It's nice to know that our hard-working adult industry entertainers
are fighting for their well-earned rights

ESpark

'Underfucking' is Sparky's Word of the Day. Use it freely in your daily speech.

viveleroi0

That was awesome.

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"It's not that I don't understand, it's that I don't care"
- Homer Simpson

krwlz

Fucking hilarious! I wish them luck in their endevour.

yatzr

Now that i think about it...i've never heard a pornstar say "you're fucking me TOO hard"...or even "you're fucking me just right" it's always harder.......i almost feel sorry for the guys whose self esteems must've been shot down for not being able to fuck them hard enough.

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Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

gibber71

Enter the fucking machines with jet propelled Rolls Royce engines and hang on.That should do the trick.

komodo

I'll go get the jet fuel and motor oil. However, I hink my Pratt and Whitney jet engine powered fucking machine will deliver more of the low end torque that pornstars crave.

riptide4070

I have not dealt with a hardcore nymphomaniac before. If I could say something to the "queens of porn," I'd try to enlighten them with the passion only created by a deep spiritual love for another human being. Love has given me the best sex ever!!! Love is the key.

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"the greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was making the world believe he didn't exist" -Kevin Spacey 'The Usual Suspects'

oldtimer

HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA................
PAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....................

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Slowly but surely getting over the loss of TFP v. 3.0.
Where the hell am I?....
Showering once a month does not make you a better person.

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Tophat665

All I ask is that I be allowed to prove that I cannot fuck Christy Canyon hard enough.

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Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

neilz0r

rofl
omg that is fuckin hilarious
and the "The Above post is a direct quote from Shakespeare" just makes it all the more perfect

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Beware the fury of a patient man...

Ambition

I'm happy to hear that they're making their claims heard.

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Looking for answers to questions that can't be answered.

MacGnG

HAHA

zf0enix

I love the Onion!

This is another funny article from a different ezine.

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One step closer to the edge...