tecoyah

Heres 20 of his top 100 lines.....the rest are in the link:

# I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
# Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
# Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
# A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
# Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
# I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
# I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
# You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
# If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
# Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
# If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
# No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
# There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
# The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
# The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
# Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
# Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
# Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
# If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
# If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

http://blogzarro.com/?p=226?fk

Charlatan

The first album I ever purchased was George Carlin's A Place for my Stuff.

I had it memorized.

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Ourcrazymodern?

I've been appreciating him for over half his life.
&>2/3of mine.

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BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

blue_eyes

Couldn't agree with you more Tecoyah. Originally, I was just now going to say... when I first encountered his impressive knowledge on the history of a certain word in particular at the tender age of 8...that diseased old softie broke me in.

Now after a quick Google I am sadly confused.

Did he not voice his opinions and flaunt his genius when he expressed himself so cleverly with that four letter word? Am I to believe that it was someone else? Oh the Humanity!!! *sniffles

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Be creative, invent a perversion

Elphaba

Are you referring to the flexibility of the word "fuck?" That was George.

My personal favorite was the special place he invented for people like me..."The St. Louis Home for the Terminally Fucked."

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"You can't ignore politics, no matter how much you'd like to." Molly Ivins - 1944-2007

World's King

Two of my favs...


"Here's something people don't talk about much anymore... pussyfarts... "

"Why is it that everyone that's against abortion you wouldn't wanna fuck in the first place."

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

blue_eyes

Well the world is right again, thank you xo and when I am Prime Minister of the Universe such documents will be on every Gradeschool exam. Along with his nifty Rules... such as:

"New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge asshole."



http://osdir.com/ml/recreation.humor.../msg00000.html

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Be creative, invent a perversion

warrrreagl

God I used to watch him on Ed Sullivan when he had short hair. The in 1970 my brother brought home his first album with long hair and a beard and we had the longest argument over whether or not it was the same guy.

As soon as I heard the voice, though, I knew my brother was right. Same guy. Same genius.

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Living is easy with eyes closed.

ngdawg

I'm aware some stare at my hair
In fact to be fair, some really despair of my hair
But I don't care
Cause they're not aware
Nor debonair
In fact, they're just square
They see hair down to there, say 'beware!' and go off on a tear
I say 'no fair!'
A head that's bare is really nowhere
So be like a bear, be fair with your hair
Wear it to there, or to there
Or even to there if you dare
My wife bought some hair at a fair
To use as a spare
Did I care?
Au contraire
Spare hair is fair
In fact, hair can be rare
Fred Astaire got no hair
Nor does a chair
Or a chocolate eclair
And where is the hair on a pear?
Nowhere, mon fraire!
So now that I've shared the affair of hair
I'll repair to my lair
And use Nair
Do you care?

I have 5 George Carlin lp's, well worn.

My oft-quoted Carlinism: If you take two things that have never been nailed together before and nail'em together, some schmuck will buy it off ya!

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

troit

Go to the website and checkout the timeline - talk about someone working his way up the ladder...

http://www.georgecarlin.com/home/home.html

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I've yet to dephile myself...

Elphaba

I think it was the Smother's Brothers program that he was a regular as the "Hippy Dippy Weather Man."

"And now for this partial score, Georgia, 10."

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"You can't ignore politics, no matter how much you'd like to." Molly Ivins - 1944-2007

Mister Coaster

His "Stuff" routine has to be the single best piece of stand-up ever performed. Pure genious.

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If you have any poo... fling it NOW!

Leto

I had two of his albums (cassettes) Occupation Foole, and Toledo Window Box.

I too had them memorized.

'See my beard,
ain't it wierd?
Don't be sceard,
It's just a beard'

and:

Another Raisin for Peace (Post Raisin Bran)

ngdawg

Has anyone else been able to claim they've been at it for over 40 years?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNaxrlSSFEc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvgN5gCuLac

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

uncle phil

didn't he do an HBO special a number of years ago where he never even spoke? and it was funny as shit?

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"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
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"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
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never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Ourcrazymodern?

Did he entertain us beyond our being, or only beyond our wanting? Happy birthday, sir!

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BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

jalora

I've based my life on his teachings. There's never been a finer comedian when it comes to use of language. His delivery is also impeccable; his timing is flawless. No record collection is complete withouth "The Little David Years" box set.

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Like my diamonds? The Devil himself gave them to me...

Average_Joe

"Happy Birthday, George!"

My favorite comedian of all time. He always uses commonsense illustrations to show how stupid the human race can be, and make us laugh at ourselves.

"Ratshit, batshit, dirty old twat.
69 assholes tied in a knot."

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I think I'll procrastinate......in a little while.

Punk.of.Ages

My favorite is definately his bit on shit talking rice crispys.

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"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

Vitamin E

George somehow manages to still be under rated.

QuasiMojo

Snap, Crackle... Fuck You!

Heh heh....Geo is, was, and always will be...De Man!

"Left-overs. Such a lonely sounding word. l e f t o v e r s.
nobody wants to be a l e f t o v e r. It would be alright if they were taking people out to be shot. Hell, I might even volunteer!!!"

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AzAbOv ZoBeLoE