yelizaveta

is it shallow to want to date someone physically attractive? I just had a rant directed at me(in real life, not here) about being 'shallow' for this reason.
This person also cited the fact that i like the way i look as evidence of being "shallow"
Now i really want some input on this, what is "shallow"?
incidentally, this person also acused me of being "racist" because i find black men more attractive than white men...

DaveOrion

Almost all relationships start with physical attraction, this is not shallow, its the natural course our species takes. A potential mate should have certain qualities, and beauty is often seen as health. Its just our way.....with a few exceptions.

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Ourcrazymodern?

Your accuser was very shallow. Onwards and upwards.
Brains before beauty, but beyond that.

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spectre

If there is no physical attraction, all of the mental connections in the world won't make sex a possibility. At that point, you're just friends. It's PC to say that anyone can connect, physical attraction be damned, but the reality of it is, there needs to be some level of physical attraction because without it, it would be very difficult to keep the sexual part of a relationship alive.

Calling someone a racist because they have a preference is bullshit unless you are totally repulsed by someone of another race. Everyone has preferences on everything, including race, body type, hair and eye color as well as many other things.

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lurkette

IMHO, shallow is being concerned exclusively or primarily with superficial characteristics.

Who the hell doesn't want to date someone attractive? "No thanks, I want to date someone I find repulsive."

It's a different story if you'll only date lawyers, or people who drive a nice car, or have a certain profession or salary. THAT'S shallow. You're attracted to who you're attracted to. Now, if your standards are unrealistic or immature ("her hands are too big," "he has funny-looking nostrils," or whatever), or if looks are the ONLY thing you care about in a potential partner, that's a bit shallow.

And liking the way you look isn't shallow. However, excessive preening and carrying on about your appearance is vain. It's one thing to be confident; quite another to be self-absorbed.

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braisler

Lurkette put it best. I don't think that taking pride in your appearance or wanting to date attractive people makes you shallow. Is the person accusing you of such excessively unattractive? Hmm.

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MexicanOnABike

without the physical attraction, it's just friendship. I've met a bunch of great girls who were great to talk to etc. but were ugly. So am I shallow for wanting a girl i can look at and be turned on? I think that's just normal.

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Ourcrazymodern?

Would y'all want a bunch of stupid, beautiful children, or brainiacs who'd have to work for it?

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spectre

meh, stereotyping is weak. I've known quite a few beautiful women who are very intelligent. In fact, most of the women I know are obscenely attractive and equally intelligent. Are there dumb beautiful people, yes, of course, but there are smart beautiful people as well.

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yelizaveta

maybe the smartest union is one of the brainiac and the beauty


btw, brainy and beautiful are not mutually exclusive. I happen to be in the intersection. i feel sorry for those who are in the complement of the union though...

Willravel

One is initially attracted to a book because of it's cover, then one discovers the deeper story when they crack it open. You don't just close your eyes and grab a book at random, or else I might have married a beast.

yelizaveta

a beast hmm? wouldn't its furry texture and sharp teeth give away what you'd grabbed even if you DID have your eyes closed?

Willravel

My wife has sharp teeth Trust me, they're not so bad.

spectre

I dunno, I can think of at least one activity where sharp teeth could be a problem.

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The_Jazz

One of my best friends is married to a woman my wife describes as "the blond goddess". She's tall, rail thin, highly intelligent, a partner in a major law firm at 32 (the youngest one in firm history), funny and a fantastic cook.

As much as I love her as a friend, I could never be married to her. Our personalities don't click. When I was in high school and college, she would have been the epitome of everything I wanted at the time. I was an idiot.

As for the OP, anyone who thinks that you're racist because you prefer certain features and body types is ignorant. Back in the day, I'd fall in love with anything with blond hair, a pulse and a vagina. I'm married to a brunette/redhead. I still like the blonds, but my tastes have expanded over the years.

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analog

Having a preference because some people seem more attractive to you than others is not racism. Now- if you said, "I hate whitey and won't be caught dead dating one of their pasty asses," then that might be different. Simply saying, "I find ____ more attractive than ______" is not being racist, it's knowing what you like.

yelizaveta

yes i realize that
that's why when that person attacked me for that sort of thing, accusing me of dating my boyfriend of almost two years because of race and looks only, i just completely stopped caring about what they were saying. If anyone has the nerve to tell me that about my own relationship, which they have no part in, I don't want to talk to them.
I'm very glad to hear no one on these forums has the same view as that person did

flstf

Your post reminded me of some lyrics from the play "Hair" from 1968.

Black Boys

Black boys are delicious
Chocolate flavored love
Licorice lips like candy
Keep my cocoa handy
I have such a sweet tooth
When it comes to love

Once I tried a diet
Of quiet, rest, no sweets
But I went nearly crazy
And I went clearly crazy
Because I really craved for
My chocolate flavored treats

Black boys are nutritious
Black boys fill me up
Black boys are so damn yummy
They satisfy my tummy
I have such a sweet tooth
When it comes to love
Black black black black black black black black
Black boys


White Boys

White boys are so pretty
Skin as smooth as milk
White boys are so pretty
Hair like Chinese silk

White boys give me goose bumps
White boys give me chills
When they touch my shoulder
That's the touch that kills

Well, my momma calls 'em lilies
I call 'em Piccadillies
My daddy warns me stay away
I say come on out and play

White boys are so groovy
White boys are so tough
Every time that they're near me
I just can't get enough

White boys are so pretty
White boys are so sweet
White boys drive me crazy
Drive me indiscreet

White boys are so sexy
Legs so long and lean
Love those sprayed-on trousers
Love the love machine

My brother calls 'em rubble
That's my kind of trouble
My daddy warns me "no no no"
But I say "White boys go go go"

White boys are so lovely
Beautiful as girls
I love to run my fingers
And toes through all their curls

Give me a tall
A lean
A sexy
A sweet
A pretty
A juicy
White boy

Black boys!
White boys!
Black boys!
White boys!

Mixed media!

stevie667

Are brains are hard wired to look for beauty, you think that looking for mates on the plains of africa or the forests of the alps we stopped to ask about what they thought of the new lighter spear, and if the angle of attack it was thrown from should vary according to what direction the wind was blowing, or the new sharp pointy things at the end could be fashioned with this type of rock? Or did we just look at their ass, hips, chest and face instead?

The mind is just another peice in the puzzle. People who call someone shallow because they start with looks are either a-single b-ugly c-idiots d-all three.

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Ourcrazymodern?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes what looks out at you from (that other place) is more wonderful than you can stand. An ugly soul in an attractive shell is not very attractive, is it, except at first glance?

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Jinn

I'm not sure that a label of shallow would be particularly bothersome.

It'd be a lie to say that we're not interested in ourselves first, and others later. With that position in mind, I think it would be hard to posit that attending to your own attractiveness (even for hours each day) is shallow, unless self-interest is shallow in it's essence. In that case, I wouldn't be upset at being called 'shallow,' as self-interest is a requisite to having a will-to-live.

If shallow defines our interest in others, I again draw issue with the usefulness of such a description. Being interested in individuals who make money, pay attention to their own attractiveness (as in the self-interest described above), behave appropriately, or even have certain possessions in which you're interested, is again acting out of self-interest. In determining a life-long (or even temporary) mate, finding someone who is interesting to us should be far more important than finding someone who "will do."

I find that this label unfortunately causes individuals to 'settle' for things which they are unhappy with, simply because an interest in the opposition would be considered 'shallow.'

There's nothing wrong with knowing exactly what you want (whether it be your husband's money, fame, personality, looks, or other arbitrary characteristic) and looking for it specifically. If anything, I value shallow people for their ability to identify what they want.

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yelizaveta

to me, what you have described sounds much more like being called 'concieted", or "self-centered" than "shallow".. shallow not only implies that you look for and identitfy someone you want by a certain trait, whether it be looks or money or fame, but it also implies a lack of depth in any interpersonal relationships, and possibly a low level of intelligence. While i disagree with the statement that a person is shallow if they care about the way their SO looks, i don't think that shallow is just a useless term.

paulskinback

If you look up shallow in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of me


Dave

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yelizaveta

and why exactly do you consider yourself shallow?

Plaid13

Its only shallow to date someone because they are attractive if... you dont like anything else about them. Otherwise its just a nice bonus.

LazyBoy

I don't consider it shallo to date someone who is physically attractive....I DO consider it shallow to immediately mark someone off who isn't so physically appealing

-Will

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Ourcrazymodern?

I doubt that.
Pheromones are a good, good, good, good thing.

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