Manorfire

I often shop at my local Morrisons in the early hours of the morning. I don't do a huge shop - just a few things we need. Thus, when it comes to paying, I don't really need any help with the packing.

In spite of this, and probably because I'm in a wheelchair, the night time supervisor usually comes across for a natter while she packs my purchases. It's a personal, friendly service, which I'd barely noticed until last week.

Here's the recap of what happened

I'd shopped as usual and gone to the till. In my basket were two bottles of wine (on offer) and a four pack of bottled beer. I'd also added my favourite brand of mixed nuts. I'll push the boat out tonight, I thought.

"Are you planning a party" the cashier asked. I don't usually expect stand up comedy at the checkout, so it's a bonus when it happens, so I chuckled and replied "Yes".

"Are you going to invite us" asked the supervisor, playfully. "Erm, if you want to come" I blurted out. She raised her eyebrows and turned to the cashier. They both laughed uncontrollably (It must have been a boring shift up to this point). I took the bag and slinked away, a little embarrassed with myself.

I returned to Morrisons the other night, having completely forgotten about the 'till humour' the week before...I approached the checkout and placed my purchases on the conveyor belt. I looked up and there was the supervisor, poised with an open bag. She screeched in excitement and yelled "Ooh, you've bought me some flowers". She then picked up my Haze scented candle and winked at me before putting it into the bag. The two of them laughed again. I kept quiet and paid, but goddam it made me squirm.

Now, these two incidents make me want to take a basket of items to the till that should - in unison - cast a horrible amalgamation of suspicion on me (just not enough to get me arrested). So, I will need your input on this one.

Naturally, there should be a few items on the list that appear innocent and mundane in comparison, obviously there to offset the weirdness of the whole thing...like a pencil case and a pair of mittens...and I'll casually throw in some cooking supplies. Maybe a cucumber and a pot noodle.

So, I know this is an inane and pointless idea, but somehow I'm still chuckling away like it's my 5th birthday. Here's what I've come up with so far...

bin bags
rope
paint thinner
a disposable camera
metal coat hangers
a garden hose
several boxes of laxatives
kebab skewers
vaseline - the biggest tub eva
a car battery
a dog collar and leash
some pegs
an alarm clock
a large, plastic cooler box
quick dry cement
an Olsen Twins DVD
an American Psycho DVD
a plunger
jump cables
duct tape
blonde hair dye
teen magazine ("er, that's not for me")
ski mask
The Bible
rubber gloves
cards, which read 'You're the love of my life'
stockings
mega pack of condoms
chocolate syrup
Beef Jerky
Beer
Beef Jerky
Beer
Beef Jerky
Beer
Beef Jerky
Beer
sexy undies
baby oil

Clearly, I don't want to include anything that's going to register at the tills as potentially dangerous: like petrol, knives, paracetomol or chain saws. Price doesn't matter as I can always have my mum take the stuff back for a refund. I thought I'd wear my shades and go for a long, sweaty wheel beforehand, but anymore suggestions you have would be great.

Halx

*looks at you strangely*

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Redlemon

I remember taking a quick stop-off at CVS one day, and as I placed my items down on the counter (a box of condoms and a roll of duct tape), I thought to myself "This can't look good". No comment from the cashier, though.

Good luck with your project.

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Daniel_

I think in this instance, small is beautiful.

Your list has so many permutations that it becomes innocent.

So consider this:

A copy of Nuts or Zoo.
A huge jar of lube.
A suggestive vegetable (huge carrot, parsnip, or cucumber).
Condoms.
A "Happy 10th Birthday" card (or "Happy 16th" if you don't want to appear creepy) (or "Happy 70th" if you want to appear severely creepy).
Rope/Duct Tape/Clothes Line.
Booze.

ADDED BONUS ITEM: Rubber Gloves.

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maleficent

dont forget the jumbo pack of D batteries

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Mister Coaster

OK, I'm laughing. I'd have to think this is going to be a rather expensive little joke, but if you want to go through with it, I can't wait to hear the outcome.

Just a side note, lots of night crew folks (if you are talking about overnight "early morning") are on speed. I have known several people who worked the midnight - 8:30 shifts, and eventually all of them were hooked on the shit after a while, some more than others. So perhaps they are not all in their best state of mind.

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Elphaba

"Mum" should return the items to the same cashiers, full of "attitude."

maleficent

i think you need whipped cream to go with the chocolate

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kurty[B]

This reminds me of a game I used to play on road-trips with friends. We called it the three items game. Basically, pick out three items to buy, that's all. Three items that would make the cashier look at you like WTF?

Things like...

Condoms
Crisco
a sandwich

Or...

a plushie
toothpaste
guns & ammo magazine.

The goal, not to say anything to the cashier, or at least nothing about what you are buying, and simply trying to get the oddest look out of them. When three people in a row buy just three items, and they all seem to be odd, the last person will usually get a "Oh, I get it" look, or still be looking at everyone like "WTF?" while you all hop into the car.

Pip

Speaking as a cashier, less is, indeed, more in this case. The ones that freak me out are those who buy only a jar of mustard and Windex. That's creepy. So maybe

a fat roll of tape
some childish candy or comic books or whatever "kid lure" you can find
lube

or

rat poison
some pastries/juice

or

craploads of sugar
a packet of yeast
an artichoke (for the randomness)

flat5

A Chicklet, dish towel and 2000 tubes of airplane glue.