No Opinions? No Problem: The Wired Guide To Posting On Forums - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

CSflim · 02-01-2006, 02:34 PM

Lucky for us we all have the tfp where we can come to relax and (for the most part!) avoid all of this nonsense. But for those of you who are familiar with the inhospitable wilderness that is 'the rest of the internet', you will be very familiar with the tactics discussed here. Enjoy:

http://www.wired.com/news/columns/0,...l?tw=rss.index

Quote:

Events are taking place. Disturbing events. World-shaking events. Fortunes are at stake. Countries are at stake. The survival of the most adorable life forms on the planet are at stake. Blogs and news sites across the web host message boards yearning for your commentary.

You owe it to everyone to let them know what you think, and by extension what they should think. All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good people fail to register.

You may be impaired by -- among other things -- the lack of an actual opinion on the subject at hand. That's OK, opinions are filthy, malodorous things that tend to fall apart under close examination. What you need is something that appears to be an opinion without actually requiring defense, justification or rational thought.

While you're wasting time considering context and relevant factors, lesser minds are beating you to the Submit button. This simple guide to posting on message boards requires no more contemplation than is necessary to microwave popcorn.

The One-Issue Poster
You may not have an opinion about the current issue, but everyone has an opinion about something, whether it's international trade, domestic education or the way cakes in the grocery store look really good but taste like frosted teddy bear fur. Luckily, everything is connected on some tenuous level, so there's no reason to talk about things you don't care about.

The easiest approach is to blame a current or former politician for everything that goes wrong. But even if there's no conceivable connection, you can always take the digression express: "The war between Belgium and Finland only adds chaos to a world already torn by the lack of good delivery pizza in the East Bay."

The Enigma
Don't want to take a stand on a controversial issue, but are dying to contribute to the conversation anyway? Just share a single, vaguely pertinent fact. Context-free data is to an online discussion as raw meat is to a cage full of starving Rottweilers and indignant vegetarians. Say you're looking at an article about gun control. Just pop in and say, "Over 10,000 unarmed people are shot to death by criminals each year."

Are you in favor of gun control or against it? You're not saying, but people on both sides will leap to the attack. You'll be the belle of the brawl. By the way, I just made that statistic up. You can go ahead and make up your statistics, too. It just gives people more to argue about.

The In-Joker
At any given moment, approximately 400 catch phrases are circulating on the web. You don't need any actual wit to adopt one. Even if you're not up on the latest gags, you can always fall back on these standbys: "I, for one, welcome our new (subject of article) overlords." "Needs more cowbell." Or simply "Owned!"

This serves two purposes. First, it establishes you as a hipster and wry lover of textual hi-jinks. Secondly, these jokes sometimes appear to the casual observer to be making a keen satirical point.

Note: "All your base are belong to us" is a tempting catch phrase, but resist. This phrase will mark you as dated and out of touch, at least until November 2008, when the phrase will become meta-ironically hip.

The Cynic
This is one of the easiest techniques, and one of the most powerful. Just remember this handy phrase: "What did you expect?" Did the president get caught trading endangered tiger skins for high-grade heroin? "What did you expect? Politicians are all corrupt." Did tornadoes grind Topeka into a fine, wheat-scented powder? "What did you expect? It's in the middle of tornado country." Did alien amphibians descend upon Canada and devour everyone amid bilingual pleas for mercy? "Come on, there are 100 billion stars in the galaxy. Did you really expect that not one of them would be home to carnivorous toad-people?"

Because everything you're "predicting" has already happened, nobody can prove you wrong!

You can pick just one of these techniques, or cycle through all of them. Either way, you'll have something to add to any subject, no matter how esoteric, complex or boring. Enjoy

EDIT: Weird, I just noticed that I ended my little intro-spiel in the same way as the article ('Enjoy' as one word sentence). Wasn't on purpose....

ShaniFaye · 02-01-2006, 02:38 PM

you know I feel like doing the Egnima thing a lot in the politics forum...but that place scares me to bad to do it, I just sit and "think" about the evil things I could say there to get somebody good and riled up hehehehe

Sweetpea · 02-01-2006, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShaniFaye

you know I feel like doing the Egnima thing a lot in the politics forum...but that place scares me to bad to do it, I just sit and "think" about the evil things I could say there to get somebody good and riled up hehehehe

you too?

that's why i only lurk in politics

sweetpea

Elphaba · 02-01-2006, 02:48 PM

Well, what did you expect?

Daniel_ · 02-01-2006, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

you too?

that's why i only lurk in politics

sweetpea

Studies show that 32% of female netizens lurk in political discussions.

albania · 02-01-2006, 04:13 PM

Studies also show that 64% of statistics are made up or was it 72%...

Elphaba · 02-01-2006, 05:09 PM

Which all goes to show that it was and always has been Clinton's fault.

Charlatan · 02-01-2006, 05:19 PM

owned!!!!!!

JumpinJesus · 02-01-2006, 05:48 PM

We could jump the gun and be on the leading edge of retro-hip by using "All your base are belong to us" right about now. It'll confuse the hell out of people. Are we slow and out of touch, or are we in the engine of the retro-hip locomotive, hurtling full speed toward Ironicville?

Reminds me of that web site from way back when where all chatters were stereotyped with acute hilarity.

alpha phi · 02-01-2006, 05:52 PM

Over 10,000 armless people are shot to death by panda's each year,
and it's all Mao Tse-Tung's fault.

Elphaba · 02-01-2006, 06:04 PM

Big yawn, Alpha.... that obviously needs more cowbell to be worth the post reading time I have committed to this subtle but obvious attack on the panda rights movement. You armless people can be spotted from a mile away.

(My head hurts from writing that)

alpha phi · 02-01-2006, 06:07 PM

Save the PANDA'S!!!!!!

Elphaba · 02-01-2006, 06:12 PM

Someday I'm going to ask you how you do that. Chris Walken as Unc Sam, no less.

Ustwo · 02-01-2006, 07:53 PM

Sigh, its sad when Wired gets it wrong.

pwned!!!11

02-01-2006, 02:38 PM	#2 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	you know I feel like doing the Egnima thing a lot in the politics forum...but that place scares me to bad to do it, I just sit and "think" about the evil things I could say there to get somebody good and riled up hehehehe __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

02-01-2006, 05:19 PM	#8 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	owned!!!!!! __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

02-01-2006, 05:48 PM	#9 (permalink)
JumpinJesus Junkie Location: Chicago	We could jump the gun and be on the leading edge of retro-hip by using "All your base are belong to us" right about now. It'll confuse the hell out of people. Are we slow and out of touch, or are we in the engine of the retro-hip locomotive, hurtling full speed toward Ironicville? Reminds me of that web site from way back when where all chatters were stereotyped with acute hilarity. __________________ "I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

02-01-2006, 05:52 PM	#10 (permalink)
alpha phi seeker Location: home	Over 10,000 armless people are shot to death by panda's each year, and it's all Mao Tse-Tung's fault. __________________ All ideas in this communication are sole property of the voices in my head. (C) 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 "The Voices" (TM). All rights reserved.

02-01-2006, 06:07 PM	#12 (permalink)
alpha phi seeker Location: home	Save the PANDA'S!!!!!! __________________ All ideas in this communication are sole property of the voices in my head. (C) 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 "The Voices" (TM). All rights reserved.

02-01-2006, 02:48 PM	#4 (permalink)
Elphaba Deja Moo Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA	Well, what did you expect?

02-01-2006, 04:13 PM	#6 (permalink)
albania Psycho	Studies also show that 64% of statistics are made up or was it 72%...

02-01-2006, 05:09 PM	#7 (permalink)
Elphaba Deja Moo Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA	Which all goes to show that it was and always has been Clinton's fault.

02-01-2006, 06:04 PM	#11 (permalink)
Elphaba Deja Moo Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA	Big yawn, Alpha.... that obviously needs more cowbell to be worth the post reading time I have committed to this subtle but obvious attack on the panda rights movement. You armless people can be spotted from a mile away. (My head hurts from writing that)

02-01-2006, 06:12 PM	#13 (permalink)
Elphaba Deja Moo Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA	Someday I'm going to ask you how you do that. Chris Walken as Unc Sam, no less.

02-01-2006, 07:53 PM	#14 (permalink)
Ustwo Pissing in the cornflakes	Sigh, its sad when Wired gets it wrong. pwned!!!11 __________________ Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.