ELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how may I help you?

CALLER
Hi, uh, Marci. I need to return a product I ordered.

CSR
All right, sir. Do you have the order number with you? It should be on the invoice that was shipped with the product.

CALLER
Yup, just give me a second. OK, got it. It’s A662-BN2453-02334.

CSR
OK, I’ll just pull that up on the computer for you. This is Chris?

CALLER
Yes! That’s me.

CSR
And I see you ordered a Comfort Wipe package. We actually don’t allow returns for that particular product.

CALLER
Why not?

cwsmallCSR
Well it doesn’t say here, but I’m guessing for hygiene reasons? We really have no facilities for handling used Comfort Wipes.

CALLER
Oh, I get it. Yeah, I don’t know what I’d do with a bunch of those either. You’d need like a hazmat team and a priest, huh? OK. Well this one is still in the original packaging if that helps.

CSR
Oh. OK. Yes, I think that does. OK, can I ask why you’re returning it?

CALLER
It was a gift for someone who has requested to no longer receive gifts from me.

CSR
I see, all r…

CALLER
It was an anniversary present. Or, was going to be an anniversary present. Not any more. So on the plus side, no more anniversary presents!

CSR
Yes, I think I can see why.

CALLER
Also on the plus side, no more anniversaries!

CSR
Uhhh

CALLER
I’m just having fun with you. Seriously, I’ve made a horrible mistake here. This is a real bad scene I’ve got myself into.

CSR
I’ll bet.

CALLER
Look, OK? She thought Snuggies were hilarious, and I was all like “It’s a Snuggie for your butt,” but that didn’t really sway her. I grant you permission to use that for your ads, incidentally.

CSR
I don’t really have anything to do with that sir.

CALLER
That’s OK. I’m not concerned. It felt kind of stupid when I was saying it, but maybe if you got someone with a really dignified voice? Wilford Brimley, I’m thinking.

wilfredbrimley

CSR
… Do you want me to process this return for you, sir?

CALLER
Yes, please do.

CSR
Well, so long as the product is unused, I think we can work something out.

CALLER
Oh I used it. I thought I’d show her how to use it before she gave up on the whole idea, and well, that just made things worse.

CSR
I’m sorry sir? You said you used it? I thought it was in its original packaging.

CALLER
It is. I put it back in the original packaging afterward.

CSR
OK, but once it’s out of the original packaging, we can no longer accept it.

CALLER
Ok, but I didn’t “use it,” use it. If you know what I mean. It was a dry run I guess. Is that a term? Do you use that term in the industry? That’s what I’d like to call it. I can explain what I mean if you want.

CSR
Please don’t. And it really makes no difference sir once it’s out of the original packaging.

CALLER
And I washed it afterwards. Obviously.

CSR
Again, no amount of washing will be acceptable.

CALLER
Well this puts us in a bit of a pickle, doesn’t it?

CSR
I’m sorry, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?

CALLER
Yes there is. You work in a little call center there, right? How many people would you say work there with you on the Comfort Wipe product?

CSR
There’s four of us sir, but we handle all sorts of different products…

CALLER
-click-

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big-guyCALL CENTER LOG: 06/14/09 11:39 CST

TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how can I help you?

-click-
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CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 11:46 CST

TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Steven speaking, how can I help you?

CALLER
Hi, Steve-o! I need to return a product I ordered. It broke.

CSR
All right sir, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have the order number with you? It can usu…

CALLER
Yup, got it right here: A662-BN2453-02334.

CSR
Just a moment, sir. I see, OK we do not accept returns on this particular product.

CALLER
Yes, well, it broke. It was faulty.

CSR
Sir, the Comfort Wipe explicitly does not come with a warranty.

CALLER
I noticed. You don’t stand behind your product?

CSR
Sir, I try to stand as far away from that product as possible.

CALLER
Well none of that matters because there is a whole asswad - pun fully intended - of consumer protection laws which say you can’t sell faulty merchandise. This Comfort Wipe broke during its first use. You owe me a refund. I know this, you know this, so let’s do this thing. Otherwise I start talking to your manager and start shipping turds to you. What’s it going to be?

CSR
-pause- Let me process a refund for you sir.

CALLER
Good lad.

CSR
OK. Let me pull up the Returns screen. I’ll need to ask some questions first…. Oh lord. OK, how did the product fail?

CALLER
Don’t worry, it wasn’t on my ass.

CSR
Please do not tell me how you were using it sir. I just want to know how it broke.

CALLER
I was using it on the bus.

CSR
Damnit, what did I just tell you?

buspassengers

CALLER
I’m trying to explain. I have to take the bus everywhere now because my girlfriend owns the car, and while “we’re rethinking things” I’m stuck without a ride. Anyways, the bus is just full of people, right, but not good people like you or me. Nasty people. And I was waving around my Comfort Wand on the bus so people would give me a little more personal space. So no ass-play at all! Honest! Steven would I lie to you?

CSR
Sir…

CALLER
After all we’ve been through Steven, would I lie to you about ass-play?

CSR
…How did it get broken sir?

CALLER
The bus driver told me to get off the bus. So I bent over and was rubbing it on my ass, over my pants though, so we’re still good, and I’m all like “ooh, what you gonna do?” And then he kicked me right in the ass, and it got in the way and broke.

CSR
Sir, that’s not a valid reason for a refund. It’s not a manufacturing fault, that’s deliberate misuse.

CALLER
But none of it got on my ass! None at all Steven! After I fell down, one guy put one of the pieces in my mouth, but that’s it!

CSR
Jesus Christ sir. -long pause- The relationship between the Comfort Wipe and your ass has no relevance here. In fact, if you were using the product on your ass, that might actually strengthen your case. But because you broke your Comfort Wipe while harassing people on a bus, I cannot give you a refund.

CALLER
THIS IS JUST WHAT NAZI GERMANY MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE! -click-

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CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 4:17 CST

TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
TeleBrands, this is Sharon speaking, how can I help you?

CALLER
Sharon, this is Chris Bucholz. You’ve probably heard of me. I need help.

CSR
All right. How can I help you?

CALLER
My Comfort Wipe broke off inside my ass.

CSR
I can’t help you sir. You need to see a doctor.

CALLER
What I need Sharon, is a refund.

CSR
I can’t do that for you sir. We’ve been told not to give you a refund.

CALLER
Sharon I am going to lay this down for you: If you do not give me a refund, I will stick something else up my ass. And I will call to tell you about it. I will continue sticking things up my ass and calling to tell you about it until my demands are met. Do you want that on your conscience?

antomically-designed

CSR
You’re going to stick a never-ending stream of things up your ass because you want your 20 bucks refunded? Are you insane?

CALLER
I WRITE COMEDY ON THE INTERNET. YOUR MIND WOULD SHATTER IF YOU SAW ONE THOUSANDTH OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN.

CSR
-Five second pause- Let me get my manager.

TELEBRANDS MANAGER
Hello sir? This is Michael, the manager here. I understand you have something up your ass?

CALLER
Michael, I am an honest man who has gotten caught up in the high stakes world of telecommerce, and now I’m in too deep. The only way I know how to get out is by sticking things in my ass, but it would seem that is no longer enough. I need your help.

TELEBRANDS MANAGER
Sir, I’m going to authorize my staff to give you a full refund.

CALLER
Michael, you’re a gentleman and a scholar.

TELEBRANDS MANAGER
I’m doing this on one condition however, Mr. Bucholz: that you stop harassing my staff. If you ever call this number, or make any conduct with TeleBrands again, I will alert the authorities.

CALLER
I promise that you will hear nary a peep from any of my orifices again sir.

TELEBRANDS MANAGER
-unintelligible- That’s great. Have a nice day, Mr. Bucholz.