Rambo is back!
 

Rambo is back and he's not messing around anymore!

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/32721

His first name is 'John'???

That is depressing. :sad:

WARNING: SPOILERS

Okay, before I start I need to explain something. Rambo had a threesome one night that resulted in two pregnancies: Jack Bauer's and Chuck Norris's.

So here's how it starts out: adult contemporary guitar music. "WTF?" you're wondering. Don't worry, Rambo is just distracting you while he kills all the asians in the lobby with a steak knife that's longer than my arm, extended. But don't worry, apparently they're really bad asians, like Commies or something. That rape people.

So what's Rambo up to now that he's in his 60s? Oh, he's just catching the most dangerous snakes on the planet with his gigantic bare hands. I think it's what he does for therapy. And knife money.

What now? Christian missionaries want to help in the most dangerous civil war in history? And they want John "I Killed a Helicopter with a Rock Once" Rambo to take them on his surprisingly mundane boat? No way. Not unless a hot chick asks, at least.

Ah, a relaxing boat ride, with not a care in the world. Cept for those pirates with guns. Yes, pirates come with guns now. "I don't want any trouble," says our hero before blowing away three of them before they can say "Ackabaka" or whatever language they're speaking. John Rambo has found a new way to shock missionaries.

I won't give away the rest, but let's just say that Rambo destroys a large percentage of Burma with only one claymore mine and manages to set several world records for violence in a movie before getting to use a giant gun. At 60 years old. He also seems to have a big brother program running for future Rambos, which is nice.

It exceeded my expectations, so I'm giving it an 11/10 so far as expectations and an 8.7/10.

HAHAHA!

Good intro, Will. Funny as always. Say, don't you have some videotapes to return, though? Peewee's Big Adventure and Battlefield Earth? :D

...

RAMBO: Hell, I just want to see him mow down the crowd of little people with a Ma Deuce.

...

Any fans of the "Rambo" series of movies need to read the book by David Morrell, First Blood. If you liked the first movie but thought he was a little soft... just read the book. He's an absolute killing machine in the book.

Go to the library and check it out. It's free.

/shudders/ I honestly think Battlefield Earth was awful, it shouldn't even be related to the book. There should have been a religion based around that LRH book, instead. I blame Scientologists for making the movie bad.

Shouldn't this be called First Blood IV: Rambo III?

The numbering always seemed a bit off... I also wish that this film had followed more naturally on Rambo III (First Blood III: Rambo II) and its setting in Afghanistan.

Given what is happening in Afghanistan today, it would have been a lot more contemporary.

Rambo fighting with the Mujahadin, alongside Osama and soon-to-be-Taliban, may not be apropos for 2008.

No... but Rambo feeling, once again, betrayed by those he was fighting for as they betrayed what he fought to defend would be very apropos.

Pfft, you act like 90% of America is aware of that ironic aspect of history.

...

What? Rambo isn't stopping a 9/11-style attack in the states? EPIC FAIL.

He was actually on the planes on 9/11 raping the terrorists with their own box cutters, along with his own 4 foot long hunting knife. He was there to save POWs that were coincidentally on the planes, but his corrupt general is covering that up. Don't worry, Rambo'll get him.

He walked away from the crash with only a skinned knee and a pissed off look on his face because he carved out the inside of a boulder with his teeth (while simultaneously killing and entire corrupt Burmese military brigade), took it on the plane, and shielded himself and the POWs in it upon impact.

He then walked away with a solemn look on his face and a quiet, french horn soundtrack that communicates just what he's feeling: I'll kill more bad guys tomorrow, but I have to brood today.

http://smileys.sur-la-toile.com/repo.../rambo-uzi.gif

Will, your obsession might have just crossed over from funny to "awe, look at that poor man mommy, someone should help him"

The smily put it over the edge, didn't it...:expressionless:

...GIMMIE MORE RAMBO RANTS!

I demand it.

You read First Blood yet?