"ping" an e-mail address? I don't think there's much that'll do that, it seems IMO, to be putting too much of a load on your & the other's server.
Sounds like you want something like a person to person listserv, where only subscribed members can send to the list. You might want to check into those as an option.
What kind of mail server are you using? If it's sendmail, you might be able to write a macro to call a perl (or similar) script to check your database.
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I'm gonna be rich and famous, as soon I invent a device that lets you stab people in the face over the internet.
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