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Nefir · 02-22-2004, 07:33 AM

Cohen the Barbarian from Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels.

Quote:

The greatest hero the Disc has ever produced, with an uncanny ability to get close to money. His father drove him out of the tribe when he was eleven and he has been living by his wits and other people's nerves ever since. When first encountered, he was a skinny, little 87-years-old; totally bald, with a beard almost down to his knees and a pair of matchsticks legs on which varicose veins had traced the map of a quite large city.
Cohen has only one working eye -the other is covered by a black patch. His thin body is a network of scars that you could play noughs and crosses on him, although your hand would be chopped off if you dared. His teeth quit long ago but, inspired by Twoflower, he now has a set of dentures made of troll's teeth, which are diamond. He also suffers from lumbago, arthritis, backache, piles and bad digestion, and smell strongly of peppermints.
Although he can read, after a fashion, he has never really mastered the pen and he still signs his name with an 'x', which he usually spells wrong. He is, nevertheless, claimed as the author of Inne Juste 7 Days I wille make You a Barbearian Hero!. There is some evidence that C.M.O.T. Dibbler was involved in this publication.
He rolls his own cigarettes, and often rides around on a horse which looks like a shrink-wrapped toast rack and has an hemorroid ring tied to the saddle.
Cohen, in fact, just goes on doing what he has always done. Many a younger oponent has challenged him in the belief that he can't be any good because he's so old, whereas a moment's thought would suggest that since he has become so old he must be very good indeed. He is also something of a philosopher. His answer, when asked what the greatest things in life, is 'hot water, good dentihstry and shoft lavatoty paper'.
When last heard of, Cohen had put together his Silver Horde of equally elderly men and in search of things like the above had conquered the Agatean Empire and was effectively the new Emperor. However, it is likely that he will not stay long in a job where the only treasure he can steal belongs to him anyway. Through his life he has lost. gambled or enjoyably wasted everything he has ever accumulated and it can't be long before the Celestial Throne has a new incumbent. One who doesn't mind washing occasionally.