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Spartak · 02-20-2004, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Saddam Captured in Minnesota Wild Neutral Zone Trap

CNN sources are confirming that exiled Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was caught late Saturday night in Tikrit in the Minnesota Wild’s neutral-zone trap.

Wild Head Coach Jacques Lemaire installed the checking system, designed to prevent attacks from more powerful offenses, when he joined the team for its inaugural season in 1999.

The Wild's perfectly executed neutral-zone trap pinned Hussein in on the left-wing boards

The U.S. Government, seeing how successful the trap worked for the Wild in containing opposing teams in last year’s NHL playoffs, approached Lemaire and asked him if his team would help the U.S. hunt down the banished leader. Just hours later, Lemaire’s assistant coach Mike Ramsey

met with President Bush at the White House and went over the team’s defensive playbook with him.

According to early reports, Hussein was caught by an aggressive mid-ice forecheck led by center Wes Walz. Linemates Marian Gaborik and Jim Dowd brought up the flank, while defensemen Filip Kuba and Nick Schultz provided rear support.

Lemaire praised the trap, saying, ”The neutral zone, no matter who you're up against, is the most important zone. We’ve also used it to successfully catch Presidential Secretary Abid Hamid Mahmud Al-Tikriti, Deputy Prime Minister Hikmat Mizban Ibrahim Al-Azzawi, and Air Force Commander Hamid Raja Shalah Al-Tikriti.

In a trap, the defense limits forechecking to block passing lanes in the neutral zone. That causes confusion and keeps rogue leaders like Hussein from setting up their offensive attack. Teams like the Wild often wait in their trap for a mistake, which can mean a lot of play in the neutral zone.

Leaders of other nations, particularly Germany and France, have been critical of the neutral zone trap, saying that it often results in an extremely boring war.

“I tried watching the ‘Attack on Iraq’ on CNN, but I almost fell asleep,” said “German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder. I watched for half and hour but got so bored that I turned it off and made some curry sausage.”

French President Jacques Chirac echoed that sentiment, saying, “I love watching war on TV, but the neutral-zone trap has made it almost impossible to watch. Yesterday I nodded off while watching MSNBC—too much clutching and grabbing in this war if you ask me.”

“If they’re [the Wild] anything like the North Stars, they're a tough team to get through the neutral zone, probably one of the toughest," said former Russian Head of State Mikhail Gorbachev. "They trapped the piss out of us during the Cold War. Here we were, smack dab in the middle of the world’s greatest arms race, and I couldn’t take so much as a step without bumping helmets with [former North Stars forward] Brian Bellows.”

Upon hearing of Hussein’s capture, Minnesota Wild General Manager Doug Risebrough issued a statement, saying: “It’s a great day for Iraq, the U.S. and the NHL. Anyone who has suffered under this tyrant can now sleep peacefully knowing that the neutral zone trap has ended all his senseless oppression.”

Asked what should become of Hussein, Risebrough said, “Well, if I had it my way, I’d like to see him skate a shift against Tie Domi. I think that mass genocide deserves at least a five minute major and a game misconduct, but I’ll leave that up the international war crimes tribunal to decide. What a dick though, huh?”