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A week at the gym
i don't know who wrote this, as i found it written one of the computers in one of the labs in school. mabye it's been here before, mabye not --but i thought it was kinda funny...a lil long though...
A WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY -
Dear Diary...
For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team
25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged my to keep a diary to chart my progress........
MONDAY
I started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after
five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the Tread-mill, but
I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to
work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine - which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid! Skinny! Anemic little
cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned
in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering wny I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife
(the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a
vasectomy!
__________________
~my karma ran over my dogma.~
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