saut

I wrote this last year for an English class assignment... let me know what you think! (Having read some Beowulf would probably make this easier to read).


Lesser Known Feats of Beowulf

Through the ages, many tales
Of the heroic adventures of Beowulf
Have been told. But one neglected and
Forgotten now resurfaces. A tale of great
Struggle and conquest. It was in this triumph
That Beowulf did first discover his lust
For fame and immortal glory, and life beyond death.

A great and powerful adversary, long
Cloaked by the darkness of a defective light
Source, dwelling in the arctic and desolate casket
Of refrigeration and preservation did
Make its ferocious presence known
To the righteous men of Hrothgar. A jar,
Once containing the finest mayonnaise,
Had become corrupted by cruel, unforgiving
Time. For weeks, the savage creature stained
The nostrils of all who dared
Defy its presence in attempts to obtain
The provisions contained within the walls
Of the stainless steel icebox. But all hope
Of regaining its delicious contents was not lost.
A great hero arose in this time
Of matchless peril. The spoiled mayonnaise
Would soon meet its fate, combated by
The bravery and ingenuity of the young warrior
Called Beowulf. Upon hearing the terrible
Accounts of hundreds of men being
Overwhelmed by the dreadful odor alone
He bellowed:

“The jar of mayonnaise is no more foul smelling, nor
More resilient than the passages of my nasal
Cavity! I shall vanquish this foul demon with no
More effort than I would use in spreading
His unspoiled brethren upon the bread
Of my sandwich. My kinsmen, fear no future
Contamination, for I shall repress the beast
Once and for all!”

Hrothgar’s men did rejoice at these heroic
Words. The time drew near, and Beowulf acclimated
Himself to the inhuman stench
He would encounter, by whiffing the feet
And underarms of the Danes. Beowulf was
Now prepared, and departed to meet the
Great enemy. He advanced
To the kitchen, the fate of the spoiled
Mayonnaise, drawing ever closer.
With a powerful tug, Beowulf jerked open
The great doors of the chilled chamber.
He was met with the odor’s full force, an
Aroma rivaled only by the most foul and
Putrid dragon excrement. But Beowulf did
Not falter. He snatched the accursed jar
From the refrigerator and hastily secured
The lid. The great terror was overcome
By the bravery of young Beowulf.
But this day’s deeds were not yet concluded,
As Beowulf placed an open box of baking
Soda deep within the belly of the great icebox,
Assuring no future assailments on the noses
Of the good people of Hrothgar. And from this
Great accomplishment, Beowulf emerged as
A hero to his people, and a protector
Of perishable food items throughout the world.