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Were I King of the world, first I would kick James Cameron's ass and evict Leo DiCaprio from his house. Then, I would decree the following:
Best Picture
''The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King'' - This is a no brainer in my book. It could have been any one of them (should have been all three, but I am biased), the academy left it to the last, so the rest are out of luck.
Best Actor
Johnny Depp, ''Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl'' - I heard he based Jack Sparrow on Keithe Richards. That's good enough for me.
Best Actress
Diane Keaton, ''Something's Gotta Give'' and Charlize Theron, ''Monster'' - Holy Shit! It's a tie! It'd be one of those genrational torch passing things that people who mistake film for an academic subject or serious news would go orgasmic over.
Best Supporting Actor
Ken Watanabe, ''The Last Samurai'' - It is the only honorable choice.
Best Supporting Actress
Renée Zellweger, ''Cold Mountain'' - Because she is a mega babe. That is all.
Best Director
Peter Jackson, ''The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King'' - Again, maybe someone deserves it more this year, but this is a referendum on three movies, not just one.
Best Adapted Screenplay
''The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King'' - Satisfies the Elves, Nerds, and muggles. Pissed off Chris Tolkien, and further advanced Roland Tolkiens actual agenda of depicting a sense of the medieval to the lay audience. A smashing success by any account, and, again, it's three movies, not one.
Best Original Screenplay
''Finding Nemo'' - But only becaue I haven't seen any of the rest.
Best Animated Feature Film
''Finding Nemo'' - Ellen Degeneris should have gotten a best actress nod. She will never do that well again.
Best Art Direction
''The Last Samurai'' - I believe the LOTR franchise has already won this one. Give it to something else that interests me.
Best Cinematography
''Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World'' - Ocean is tough to do well. Let's throw 'em a bone, shall we. They're not getting anything else.
Best Costume Design
''The Last Samurai'' - Again LOTR has won this once, no?
Best Documentary Feature
Best Documentary Short Subject
These will be drawn by lottery. Documentary film makers are people too, but I don't want to spend too much brain power on watching them.
Best Film Editing
''The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King''
Best Foreign Language Film
Let a foreign language academy deal with foreign language film. I can stay home and read.
Best Makeup
''The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King'' - Orcs rock.
Best Score
''The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King'' - Hobbits 1, Dark Lord 0.
Best Song
''A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow'' (''A Mighty Wind'') - And you thought I was going with LOTR again. Nope. They were gypped for Spinal Tap, (Big Bottom should have won), so they get this one.
Best Short Film (Animated)
''Harvie Krumpet'' - Gets a miniature Ocsar, only because I like the name.
Best Short Film (Live Action)
What did I tell you about foreign language films!!
Best Sound
''Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl'' - With Eisner riding it into the ground for the short term buck, Disney needs all the help it can get.
Best Sound Editing
I don't really understand this category well enough to comment, so I hereby declare it abolished.
Best Visual Effects
''The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King'' - I see dead people...
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Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns.
Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
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