rmarshall

1) I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
turned around, walked back out, and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word... he knew better.

2) I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3) My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister
has never let me forget.

4) While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she
would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will
tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The
silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard
when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

5) A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally
got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price
tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed out for the entire store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the
store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a
business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT
THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A
HAMMER?"

6) Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had many problems with potty training and I was on
him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny,
are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW
that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This
time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks,
and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked
to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat
down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best
laugh they'd ever had!

7) This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor that will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not
only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!