hiredgun

I need help. I've never before been this torn or confused in my young life. The situation will probably take a lot of explaining, so bear with me, please.

I am 18. I was born in Karachi, Pakistan but my family moved almost immediately and I grew up here in the US. My parents are pretty strict Muslims and they raised me as one too. The pertinent issue is that any relation between men and women that goes beyond casual acquaintance is forbidden. While I grew up immersed in Western culture (via school, friends), I was always taught at home that dating was wrong. For a time (I don't really know or remember how long), I believed this.

Originally, what this meant for me was that my parents would arrange my marriage to someone with my consent, as theirs had been arranged. Later, they loosened up a little bit and seemed to decide that I could find some nice girl on my own. Still, this didn't mean dating, but seemed to imply finding a nice girl somewhere that I got along with and the two of us simply deciding to marry each other. The assumption here is that she would be Muslim and from a similar background, but my parents would (reluctantly) accept a marriage to someone of another faith; it's just that the circumstances seem stacked against this happening.

I have a girlfriend. Her name is Emily and she is white and protestant christian. We met in high school and now go to colleges that are hundreds of miles apart, but both of us have handled the distance fine. She is definitely the most loving, caring, and generally amazing person I have ever met, and I am completely in love with her.

As was inevitable, a few days ago our relationship was finally discovered by my family. I hid it from my family because I didn't want to hurt them, but my sister, a high school freshman, found out (how she did is irrelevant) and although she was born and raised here, she totally flipped out at me. She said all sorts of shit, made a huge scene in our house, and eventually my mother came to investigate. I got a look from my sister then that basically said, "Tell her, or I will." So I told her.

I expected her to be angry and flip out like my sister. A small hopeful part of me expected her to be understanding. Instead she has been extremely depressed ever since. She broke down into tears, and has been begging me repeatedly to break off my relationship with Emily. My mother hasn't been eating enough, and has felt sick. From the bags under her eyes, it looks like she hasn't been sleeping. She doesn't hate me, hasn't stopped talking to me or anything; but her plea is continuous and inflexible; I am sinning and she demands that I stop.

She hasn't told my father, and told me not to tell him either. She says that he might flip out, and do something terrible. Kick me out of the house, or stop paying my tuition, or something. I'm not so sure about that. I sort of think he might be understanding, but that's what I thought about my sister, and she flipped out.

I have no idea what to do. I love my family. They have made enormous sacrifices for me. My parents are great people; while they have been strict sometimes, they always think of myself and my sister before themselves. They've taught me always to do what is right, and I have always strived to do so.

But I can't help but think that my mother doesn't appreciate me. I think I'm pretty close to a model son. I don't smoke or drink, or do any drugs. I'm always responsible about coming home on time, letting them know where I am, etc. I have always done well academically, and I'm making A's at Georgetown. I fail to see how my parents can even see this relationship as a bad thing; we're not having sex (and don't plan to do so anytime soon), and being long-distance, it's obviously not just physical. Emily is an amazing person, and above all a good person. None of this seems to matter, the bottom line just seems to be that I am violating Quranic law (at least according to my parents, and most Islamic jurists.) I am not permitted to kiss her, even to hold her hand or speak words of affection. I can not, do not believe that what I'm doing is wrong, but my parents do.


I don't know if I can (or even should) give in to make my family happy. I might regret it forever. I might regret not giving in. I don't know. How can I make my parents understand where I'm coming from? How can I make my mother come to grips with the fact that I might have different beliefs from her, despite what she taught me? She has wept uncontrollably on my shoulder and begged me to stop sinning. She has invoked her many sacrifices on my behalf and pleaded that I give up this one "sin" for my family's sake. I can't bear to see her suffer. I feel as if she's inflicting it on herself through her beliefs, but that doesn't change the fact that I have the ability to put an end to it. What should I do?

If you've read this far down, thank you. Venting this whole story out has given me some small measure of comfort in itself. I apologize if it's a little disjointed or rambling, I'm pretty upset and I'm not going back up to proofread it. I only hope that maybe some of you can advise me.