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oi. um, firstly, whether or not porn is 'respectful' is a personal decision.
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The issue of disrespect here involves him looking at it behind my back when he knows it bothers me and not discussing it with me or telling me what gets him off about it.
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If images on a tv, monitor or magazine page turns you on that's fine,why not then finish the session with those images and your hand rather than make you partner feel like an inadequate substitute?
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This is where I have a real problem - AND most importantly, I firmly believe that all these women who say they don't mind their SO's looking at porn secretly feel this way. Now if you are looking at it with them, that's a different issue all together. That's your choice and really a topic for a whole other thread.
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I think that the only time porn becomes really, truly disrespectful is when it is used as a substitute. I don't like it, I don't appreciate it, I have no use for it. But that doesn't mean that I would tell my SO to stay the hell away from it. It's more about open communication. If they know that you're really truly uneasy with it and they SAY they'll stop and DON'T, or they hide it from you and you find out, that's when it is disrespectful. (hypothetically ---> ) I'd rather know that my SO looked at porn in a 'healthy' manner, and just not want to participate in it myself, than find out during our relationship that he was hiding it from me all along. If you're hiding something from someone just because you don't want them to find out (or for a similar reason), then it gives off the vibe that you think it's bad and just don't want to deal with it. But if it's communicated openly, and I know about it and just don't care to join in the 'fun', fine. Whatever. At least it doesn't make me feel insecure (so much). To me, if it's being hidden, it's made to seem like it's a bad thing. And that's how it is with most things in life, not just porn.
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Thanks, sillygirl because this is really my issue exactly. He is sneaky about it and then when I ask him what the thrill is, he can't even look at me, much less give me an answer. I've told him we'd watch it together, but he's too ashamed or freaked or whatever, so we don't and he continues to look and try (rather inadequately) to hide it from me.
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If other women turn you on,pursue them if you'd like,if porn or 2D images float your boat, go ahead and enjoy them to full climax..just don't come trotting into our bedroom,turn off the lights and act like you're doing me some sort of favor by screwing me while in your head you're with somebody else.
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Uptown drove this point home well - this is the unfortunate by-product of "Secretive Porn Habits of the Male Species". What they don't realize is that they undermine our security as women and our security in our relationship. Frankly, this is what makes it very difficult for me to relax into sex with my SO - it's as I said in a previous post, I "know" he's thinking about some other woman/women than me. Now, this may not be true, but how can I be so sure?
I know plenty of happily monogamous people and plenty of people who cheat on their spouse. Frankly, looking at porn and not openly with your SO, is no different than sleeping with another person as far as I'm concerned. I am not freaked out by porn, anti-porn, a prude or otherwise, I just think that I should be the one turning on my SO, not some slut on a computer screen when I'm not around. And then when I AM around, he's not interested at all?
That doesn't seem like anything too absurd, does it?