I'm bumping this thread up because it's Christmastime and regrets and insecurities are in full-swing. First let me just say that I have no real problems with the fact that porn exists. I know it's not going to go away and I'm very realistic about that. I have determined that it bothers me very much that my SO would rather look at it and hide it from me than, a) have sex with me, or b) physically/emotionally share what it is that he finds fascinating about the porn he so enjoys. Instead what it is doing is making me regret that I have been devoted and loving to someone who would rather devote himself to chics with their legs spread and dicks in their mouth on a computer screen. Someone who will pay for porn sites while he tells me he has no money. Honestly, I'm insecure about my body but most women are when they are compared to porn stars. If I thought for a minute that he would rather spend and hour with me fulfilling his every whim instead of spending an hour staring at women/girls/teens (worse of the three) on the computer I wouldn't give a shit about the porn, but that is not the case.
I don't know why I continue to waste my time on this person. Other men do flirt with me and tell me I'm beautiful. I'm not beautiful, but I'm no dog either. I have had many other offers since dating this guy, but have, for what is right now seeming like some stupid reason, stayed with him. I tell myself it's love but I really think he loves computer porn much more than me. I have tried to discuss it with him, but he never gives me anything more than the two standard "men caught looking at porn" answers: "I'll stop," or "It has nothing to do with you." What kind of bullshit is that? Oh yeah, it's the same bullshit that is spewed about who initiates sex first - well, if I didn't think that some naked teen or some big-fake-boobed freak of nature was dancing the waltz of the fucking sugar plum fairy in his head while I'm blowing him, then maybe I would blow him more often!
I hate the fucking Christmas season. It always makes you re-evaluate your life and ask yourself questions that you've been asking all year, but for some reason you are all of a sudden trying to wrap up loose ends before the fucking ball drops on the 31st.
Merry Fucking Christmas and Happy Fucking Hanukah.
Rant over. Just really needed to get that off my, uh, chest.