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poetic prose (notebook01)
a few tidbits. . .
OSU is a busy campus and full of squirrels. Its crazy, the hoards of them you can see scurrying across the Oval, all with some purpose, some chattering away with their squirrel friends. Constant motion, constant intake. When does anyone stop and visit with the ducks? I guess that's all we are -- a squirrel, trying to get a nut.
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My life is haunted, my dreams plagued. No sleep makes class a little hard to manage some days, but today I have the expectation of things to come. I have the excitement of a new day and the possibilities that lie within this blank page of existence. Life and love are mine to claim, and fear has no grasp on me.
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Its amazing to me how intelligent we sound when talking to ourselves; the advice that we dispense over and over again. The true intelligence is shown when the time to take action comes. Do I listen to that wise man, or do I just shut him out?
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A day of productivity. A day of strength and self-preservation. A day of chemistry models and biology. A day of coffee and friends, of conversations and quick little quips of language. As I sit here, fighting the need to go and grab a smoke, I think to myself -- and this pen moves across the stage, reciting my lines. Encapsulated by windows and wood, I am free. I am free of the contractions that have surrounded my heart and soul for weeks. The sky is blue today - and I see the vibrancy. The breathy wind is crisp and it calms my spirit. The world is full of life and it makes my body quake with tremors of joy. "It is well with my soul." Life simply tastes good. I do not foresee what tomorrow will bring. I do not even pretend to know what may happen in the hours swiftly coming. I choose to live in this moment, and be glad here.
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I am lost and frightened. I lay on the muddied earth and shiver as the clouds wash rain over my body. I try to be cleansed, but somehow find myself only sinking into the murky, puddled floor.
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Feeling my way through the heat - and I am blinded by the sheer magnitude of the sun's brightness. And that is God. He is the bright and shining sun; a figure impossible to live without - we are unable to draw attention away from the great luminous presence in the sky - and yet a figure that we are unable to understand, as we are not physically equipped to peer directly into the sun. We are unable to define it and talk about its finite characteristics.
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In and out, out and in, and I speak not of the good old colloquial fucking. No, not that at all, but a complete palate of colors and emotions crying out in blissful copulation; only leading to the regurgitation of the truth, a falsity. And where does it end? In creation? Oh God, please! Anything but that. For who in this world is insane enough to believe themselves constructed in the way of divinity? The most simplistic act of charity are forged by sacrifice; in a materialistic society such as this there exists not a single being entitled to the shear joy of that gift. No, not even a gift, but a pleasantry; purely spawned out of the sin of knowledge. and yet our journey gets longer and further - and further from set destination. We are so far lost, I am afraid the path may refuse to be found. What then? Well - nothing. If that is gone there is no use, no great struggle to be won.
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Without compassion, what do we have? A world - so bleak, so hollow that it is unprepared to face life. Without love what is this, but a tired existence full of ubiquitous melancholy. Be abashed at the hiding of truth and beauty, for the only place these lie are within yourself, within your own heart. Pretenses can be laid aside in favor of honesty, purity, and clarity of language. Above all -- love yourself and find the truth of existence being revealed to you.
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Meandering suppositions only strengthen and mask one's confusion. Fear not the publicity of your own misgivings; it is our brothers and our lovers who, through pain and suffering, will reveal the truth of life. Without this bloody instruction, no great existence can be fulfilled.
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I'm excited to see her again.
I am excited to feel her breath against my skin.
I can't wait to touch her face to let her know I'm still here.
I can't wait to tell her I'm in love.
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-LIFE IS ABSURD-
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