Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - A "member" needs advice... let's give a hand

sexymama · 12-08-2003, 10:09 PM

With my ex, I would get upset when he masturbated because he was doing it rather than intiating sex with me; and he called me oversexed early in the marriage when I intiated a lot. So, here I was wanting it and he seemed to want it to -- with his hand and his fantasy, not with me. Ouch!!!! It hurt and it hurt a lot. In looking back, I realize that a lot of what hurt was the fact that he was "hiding" part of himself from me.

With Lebell our sexuality is out in the open. We masturbate apart and together. Neither feels threatened by the other's choices as it is just a small part of who we are sexually and because we are open about it. That doesn't mean I "report" to him, or he to me, whenever we masturbate. What it does mean is that we don't hide it.

My suggestion, when your wife is doing little things that get you excited, let her know. Reach down and touch yourself -- maybe first through your pants, later pull it out. Talk to her! Let her know that she is the one that you want, she is the one that turns you on, she is the one you love! Help her slowly get comfortable with the idea that your masturbating is not a threat to the security of the relationship. She is scared -- reassure her.

I also echo that you may want to seek therapy, watch "instructional" videos (less threatening than porn), and read about sexuality to open up communication. Best of luck!

12-08-2003, 10:09 PM	#9 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	With my ex, I would get upset when he masturbated because he was doing it rather than intiating sex with me; and he called me oversexed early in the marriage when I intiated a lot. So, here I was wanting it and he seemed to want it to -- with his hand and his fantasy, not with me. Ouch!!!! It hurt and it hurt a lot. In looking back, I realize that a lot of what hurt was the fact that he was "hiding" part of himself from me. With Lebell our sexuality is out in the open. We masturbate apart and together. Neither feels threatened by the other's choices as it is just a small part of who we are sexually and because we are open about it. That doesn't mean I "report" to him, or he to me, whenever we masturbate. What it does mean is that we don't hide it. My suggestion, when your wife is doing little things that get you excited, let her know. Reach down and touch yourself -- maybe first through your pants, later pull it out. Talk to her! Let her know that she is the one that you want, she is the one that turns you on, she is the one you love! Help her slowly get comfortable with the idea that your masturbating is not a threat to the security of the relationship. She is scared -- reassure her. I also echo that you may want to seek therapy, watch "instructional" videos (less threatening than porn), and read about sexuality to open up communication. Best of luck! __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.