Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - A "member" needs advice... let's give a hand

Cherry · 12-08-2003, 11:05 AM

Oh boy... this is probably tipping my hand a bit here, but here goes:

I know exactly how she feels. It isn't a selfish issue, as some might think, but it's the result of a good deal of emotional baggage that probably stems from previous relationships.

I myself had the exact same conversation with my husband toward the beginning of our relationship. I had found his stash o'porn and flipped out. It wasn't because he had porn. It wasn't because he was masturbating - though those were the excuses that I had made at the time for my anger. My anger stemmed from a previous serious relationship that I had had.

Long story short, my previous partner had began to collect porn and was masturbating on a very regular basis. I wouldn't have had a problem with this had he continued to have a sexual relationship with me instead of hiding his actions. I could walk in on him in the bathroom, stroking away, and he would be furious with me. We stopped having sex. I felt horrible. I felt that it was all my fault, that I wasn't woman enough, that I wasn't meeting his needs, that I was no longer desireable and that he had to resort to masturbation rather than having sex with me.

I hated myself. (It wasn't until after this that I found out that he was having an affair - which may or may not be a worry of your spouse as well.)

I took that baggage with me into my marriage. It was horrible of me to do so, but I wasn't able to cope with it at the time. I worked a lot of the frustration out over time, with my husband's caring, patience, and reassurance that he still loves me and finds me desireable.

It's hard, but talking it out is the best solution.

I wish you the best of luck.

12-08-2003, 11:05 AM	#5 (permalink)
Cherry Tilted Location: Yonder	Oh boy... this is probably tipping my hand a bit here, but here goes: I know exactly how she feels. It isn't a selfish issue, as some might think, but it's the result of a good deal of emotional baggage that probably stems from previous relationships. I myself had the exact same conversation with my husband toward the beginning of our relationship. I had found his stash o'porn and flipped out. It wasn't because he had porn. It wasn't because he was masturbating - though those were the excuses that I had made at the time for my anger. My anger stemmed from a previous serious relationship that I had had. Long story short, my previous partner had began to collect porn and was masturbating on a very regular basis. I wouldn't have had a problem with this had he continued to have a sexual relationship with me instead of hiding his actions. I could walk in on him in the bathroom, stroking away, and he would be furious with me. We stopped having sex. I felt horrible. I felt that it was all my fault, that I wasn't woman enough, that I wasn't meeting his needs, that I was no longer desireable and that he had to resort to masturbation rather than having sex with me. I hated myself. (It wasn't until after this that I found out that he was having an affair - which may or may not be a worry of your spouse as well.) I took that baggage with me into my marriage. It was horrible of me to do so, but I wasn't able to cope with it at the time. I worked a lot of the frustration out over time, with my husband's caring, patience, and reassurance that he still loves me and finds me desireable. It's hard, but talking it out is the best solution. I wish you the best of luck. __________________ In walked a man in the shape of a man, holding a hat shaped hat...