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It sounds like she probably has some deep-seated issues about sex, aside from the masturbation issue. You might want to try some couples therapy to help you bridge the gap between your expectations. A good therapist could probably also suggest some good resources in terms of books and such. I think a key question is whether your wife has any interest in altering her attitudes. If she does, you've got a good chance of being able to work this out. If not....
I'd say the first thing you need to do is make it clear to her how much she means to you, and how sad it makes you that she doesn't enjoy this part of life. It's not necessarily about your needs - although it sounds like what you want is a partner in sex, someone to enjoy it with you, someone who WANTS to have sex with you - it's about her missing out on something really special. And it's really unfortunate that she's essentially been lying to you all these years about enjoying it.
I wish you luck!
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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
- Anatole France
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