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I'm still here. but every time I'm in a high place i think about how easy it'd be to just hop off. I think about hitting the guardrail when I drive by myself in my car. And everytime I go visit my family, my self-respect degrades a little more. I think if I were still living there, I might have given up wondering. I know what it feels like to drag a blade across your skin. I know what it feels like to think about what meds you could OD on. I know what it feels like to feel bad for the guy on the news, not because he killed himself, but because he survived, and now he was depressed, a failure, and acripple since the train that should have killed him just took his legs. I know what it feels like to scream and not be heard, to refuse help, to be told to quit being silly, that it's just a phase. I have sat in a shrinks office resenting it every moment because I hadn't ASKED for the help, it had been forced upon me. i have pushed my panic button with all my might, and been disappointed with the lack of results. I know what it feels like to be mocked because the slits on your wrist march the wrong way. I know what it's like to watch your blood flow while you sister sleeps unknowing in the next room. I know what it's like to KNOW that you will lose respect from your friends, that they think less of you because you think less of yourself. The final image from A Brave New World was ideal to me. i wanted to be that guy. I wanted to say "fuck you life, this is ridiculous" and make it stop.
And that will color EVERYTHING in my life. Forever.
I also know what it's like to be held, to be safe, to be loved. I know what it's like to wake up and say, "damn, today's gonna be good." To suceed.
Such a short list. and yet, it's enough to keep me going.
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