Thread: Suicide
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Old 11-21-2003, 06:51 AM   #17 (permalink)
skinbag
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Location: Madison WI
I smoke about 1 pack per week also, although in my self-destructive prime peaked out at a pack a day. I began to smoke cigarettes as a scent cover for marijuana use. I still stop smoking when I run out of pot. For me nicotine is a secondary addiction. Even though it gives a relatively unpleasant sensation I continue smoking.
Two main reasons for smoking stand out: control over my subjective experience and mental stimulation. I am willing to incur physical damage, stink, and lurk about looking ridiculous as long as I get a jump out of it. A big part of the "jump" is getting away from work, family, "doing the right thing", etc. for a few minutes of "me" time. The time I take out to smoke is deliberately unproductive to the point that it has "negative" effects on my so-called-life. So be it.
My off-line acquaintances would tell you, I may be useful and productive in general terms, but I really don't give a fuck about my "life". I really can mess things up just to watch the wreckage and start all over again. I'm not sure but I think to some extent I use smoking cigarettes, pot, tea, you name it to manage my self destructive tendencies away from war and consumerism towards simple handicapping of self. I guess I'm clumsily saying that I feel out of place and ill-fitted in my life and that smoking is part of the system I use to control my experience until I grow into my life or learn to live daily with that old dysfunctional feeling.
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